deprivation

it's amazing to me what sexual memories my brain takes me back to when i'm sexually starved. have been thinking of "ll" (last lover) lately and the first time we had sex. i texted him yesterday and pretty much he has no interest in that aspect with me again.
it just stopped...there was no fight, no drama...it just ended. we had incredible sex one night and then now it's 3 months later. i hate to primp it up too much but for me it was a perfect situation...we had sex regularly and he was great company too...and then one day he just stopped.
last night i was replaying the first time we had sex with every little detail. i can still hear myself begging for him.

i'm still talking to "A" and we are talking about meeting up again soon...i told him he needs to read alex's blog for tips since he's never cheated before...but fortunately i am wiser than he so i know the whole "no perfume" routine, but in this weird way i worry about him and that he may slip up. he's nervous and fidgity and i don't want him making a dumb mistake. i am good to not text him or call...i wait for him. much less confusing that way. my cellphone is private and is only used by me so that helps.

i'm pretty private about the details of the men i'm pursuing because i don't need someone leaving a comment saying "how dare you be a mistress" blah blah blah...but incase there is any doubt, Will is not married...he is a single boy. however, it doesn't seem to matter much. i emailed him 5 days ago with a very explicit invitation...very direct, and have not received even a "no thanks" in my inbox. he has been mysterious before, but this time i may have gone too far.

other than that, my pursuits are dim and a one-night stand, though not ideal, may be something i am up for soon.

any takers?

new adventures and old flames

last night i counted all the responses that i got from my new ad on craigslist...20 different responses so far. it's been a bit overwhelming keeping everyone straight but i'm doing my best. a few of them will be email correspondences it seems and in some strange way, the "reject" ones are thickening my skin a bit. i did a photo exchange the other day and today i got an email of "no thanks, not interested"....so as much as that can be a big blow to the ego, the more i do this, the more i learn to not take things so seriously.

however, i still haven't had sex now in a few months and my already high sex-drive is increasing....i guess i could just go out there and get laid, but at this point i feel even that wouldn't satisfy my urge. my craving will not be satisfied in a one-night-stand at this point...

out of curiosity, a few days ago i emailed will and asked him if he ever thought of our emails and phone calls......and last night he responded with

"to satisfy your feline curiosity, yes i do quite often. by the way, what was it that killed that crazy cat? ;-) "

i responded with my famous

"curiosity may have killed the cat, but the satisfaction brought her back...... purrrrrrrrr"

from there, a few more playful emails were passed back and forth, and then........

"my cock feels so good in your mouth rae....i reach to touch your pussy and feel your wetness through your panties "

....next thing i know, i was on the phone with him and my fingers were deep in my pussy....

afterwards there was a bit of awkward conversation and it ended with "keep in touch"

i wish he would just give in, let go of whatever is holding him back and fuck me how i want him to......

and scene revised

chatted with a new guy today who responded to my ad....lets call him "freak"
now, freak started off really well....34, lives in chicago, willing to make a trip down to springfield on the weekends....super cute, intelligent, conversation was flowing well, and my "possible connection" bell was ringing off the hook. and then out of nowhere, an abrubt turn........

freak: hmmmmmm
me: what?
freak: wondering if it would turn you on to always let me just cum inside you
me: if i had no worries of being pregnant and i knew you were "clean" then yes ofcourse it would. i love that feeling
freak:: do you ever want to have children and get pregnant?
me: well i dunno i mean i can't really....
freak: i think about having children a lot
me: oh well i.......

this part of the conversation got weird........i mean who asks a gal if she wants children 15 minutes after first chatting with her? there was a sort of awkward segment i had origionally posted here but now have deleted.........and then it started back up (this part i origionally left out because i thought it was too weird)

freak: want to feel me inside you
me: ummmmmm wellll
freak: would you find one of your friends for me that wanted to have a baby? and you could watch us as impregnated her?
me: uhhhhhhhhh i
freak: would you like that? would you think that's hot?

and scene

clipping along

i feel like my back-up plans have expanded and i'm doing my best to keep everyone straight now.
i placed another ad on craigslist and got about 10 more responses from it. still a bit disheartened about the whole thing...i can't seem to find anyone local and consistency is what i'm looking for. not a "hey i'll come bang you when i pass through town once a month."
no thanks, i'll pass.....
but i have chatted with some interesting men in the last few days...one of them in his 50s....from chicago....there may be a possible meet-up there, but again the consistency thing will be a problem.

will and i have chatted since the whole apology email thing but it was rather awkward and didn't flow like it had before...and there was NO sexual talk, even in a "freudian slip" sort of way.

bubba was supposed to call me yesterdy and show up sober, but never called....two disappointments from him.

and i might be meeting up with "a" again sometime to, as he put it, "try again."

i thought as a woman, it would be a LOT easier to find a no-strings sexual relationship, but apparently i was wrong.

an email

got this today, from will...

hi- a very embarrased, slinking, rotten feeling, not as bad of a person as he must certainly seem right now person would like to ask you to please at least consider his apology for his actions and lack thereof. in case you're confused, the apology is from me. i have no excuse for myself except myself. i would really like to have some communication with you if you'll have me. my deepest apologies, will.

back-up plans gone bad

besides will, i had a couple other responses to my ad on craig's list.....there were two that i held onto incase things with will din't work out. one of them "d" was starting a new job that would take him to peoria a few times a month. we started chatting and decided if things went well that maybe we could meet up a few times a month on his way back through town. we were playing it by ear and then a couple days ago he said he was going to be in peoria monday and coming back to springfield tuesday. we decided we'd talk about the details before the weekend and set something up. i must be in a pissy "no games" sort of mood......because tonight when we were chatting, trying to set something up, he got all wishy-washy on me and kept saying he was debating whether or not we should meet up. i finally asked him what he was debating about and he mentioned how skinny he was and how i "wasn't".....right there i snapped and said "let's just forget it. i don't need another reason to be insecure" and then it just sort of ended there.............ofcourse i had already given him my address and phone number.........so let's hope he's not a psychotic stalker.

the other guy i met on craig's list....i haven't talked to in a week because he is getting ready for finals, but i haven't quite let go of him yet.

then there is "bubba"....ok not his real name, but he just looks like one. i met bubba on yahoo a couple months back. he lives in town but is 4 years younger than me and still in the party scene. we cybered a few times and joked around about meeting. he called me up monday night and he was at some friends nearby and decided to stop by for a bit. he's taller than me and bigger and shaves his head (both actually)..........i don't know why, but that is such a turn-on for me (both actually). i was all excited thinking i would get layed and then bubba decided to show up at my door completely drunk and staggering. i knew then the night was a bust. he sat on my couch for a while and asked to see my "toys"....i brought them out to him and he turned the one vibrator on and was putting in on my nipples. i thought for a split second my luck might change until he put his hand over his mouth and said "i don't feel so good." so i got him a glass of water and sent him on his way.

last but not least..............."a"
now i also met "a" on yahoo......and we have been chatting for a couple months as well. we talked on the phone a couple times last week and decided we would try and meet up soon. he called me this morning and asked if i was free. usually when i first meet someone i am nervous...fidgiting. i was totally like that with will but with buba and "a"...i really wasn't. probably because they all have been pretty close in time. he showed up at my door and i could tell he was nervous. he was practically shaking. he is not quite as tall as me but also bigger than me and has a shaved head again (not both). we sat on my couch for a while and it took him a good 20 minutes to finally take hi coat off. i decided to sit back and let him get comfortable instead of "making a move"...eventually he started getting playful....tickling me, throwing pillows at me and i ended up laying on the couch with my head on his lap. he leaned down and kissed me. his tongue is skinny, and pointy....my tongue glided around it easily. his hands went to my nipples and began squeezing them. i was instantly wet and i started craving it. my body was craving sex.............i made my move and asked him if he wanted to go into my bedroom and he did. we layed on my bed and kissed some more......he started fingering me, playing with my clit....it felt amazing...i wanted to cum but wanted to wait.....i craved more. he pulled down his pants and pulled out his cock from his boxers, i laid on the bed with my legs bent and knees spread wide...he took his cock and started sliding it over my pussy slit.......he mumbled something but i didn't hear him...it felt so good. he said it again and this time i heard him "i'm going to cum".......i told him to get on his back and before i even had the chance to put my mouth on him, he came.....he layed there for a moment, got up and cleaned off and left maybe 10 minutes later and there i was, unsatisfied once again.

will and "a"..............two guys........so close

why do i keep trying

revenge

i haven't heard anything from will since i saw him thursday....no emails, nothing....
as difficult as it is for me to do sometimes, i have decided to let it go and
"chalk one up to experience"
it's difficult to not feel defeated, or at least deflated......
putting myself out there in this vulnerable state and then to be let down
and at times it feels draining too....investing into emails and putting all this energy into someone, or some idea and then....it's all gone.

it takes me a while sometimes to get back "into the game"

when will and i first started chatting, he asked me if i was shaved or natural....i told him i shaved pretty regularly and he made some comment that he really didn't like that. so i decided at that moment to "let it go" and grow it in for him. the first few days were driving me CRAZY, but i eventually got over it.....

it was pretty full by the time we actually met and he loved it.......i was going to keep it that way and then when all this happened there was some tingle of revenge that came over me.....

now in reality i know he could care less if i shaved it all off or not, but last night when i was in the shower i shaved it bare.......it felt so good and it felt so freeing....

i can't help but keep touching it today, feels so smooth......

i know i put all my eggs in the basket and this is just part of the game i play i suppose........

so it's back to the drawing board, but this time.....with a shaved pussy

bj princess

"god, i love how you do that. i've never enjoyed this til now, but whatever you are doing is incredible."

i never really thought there was any talent or skill in giving a good bj. i just figured all women knew how to do it, like it was some instinct we were born with.

but apparently, i have been uninformed of this phenomenon...that there are women out there that don't do it "right."

i am actually one of those women (i'm beginning to feel somewhat rare) that really enjoys doing it. with will, it lasted 40 minutes long, but i've gone longer. me enjoying it as much as i do, must have something to do with it.....i've been told before that mine felt so sensual, i've been told it was way more intense and i've also been told i was the "best" they've ever had.

i do really get into it...i can almost feel myself pulling away in a sense...i'm very in tune with the guy i am with and i try to push into his expressions and movements. i do my best to follow every moan, every twitch and let it drag out.....i can be very slow but then i can increase speed until i feel he's just on the edge, then i do long slow licks again, like a big sucker.....

and i thought for sure all women knew about the underside......and about playing with the head.....but apparently not.

i like doing it and i like "practicing" new twists and turns and licks as often as possible......

so far, i've gotten no complaints

and then there was one

i feel like some wounded pet, so i will keep this short.....
at this point i feel like pulling my blog and pulling any present and ads
and never posting again

will came over tonight
it was spontaneous
he told me to convince him to come over
i should have known then it wasn't a good idea
i don't want to convince someone to want to be with me
told him some fantasy i had about him being inside me
that did the trick

he showed up about an hour and a half later
there was definite nervous tension in the air
we sat on my couch and talked
some flirtatious touching started
he looked at me and said

"let me look at you"

so i stood up and did a little twirl
and asked him if i could hug him

"that's what i was hoping for"

we started kissing....
his lips, though a bit thin, were soft and his tongue felt so good in my mouth
i pushed him into me, he pushed deeper
then i walked him into my room
he took down my pants
i undid his shirt
and i laid down on the bed

he got on the bed next to me
on his knees
i touched his shaft with my fingers, there was precum

he played with my nipples and then proceeded to finger me
"does that feel good?"
"oh yes......"
"then why haven't you cum?"
"i'm resisting"
he went a bit deeper and i came hard
"now that wasn't so difficult, was it?"

he then got on his back
me between his legs
i gave him a bj that lasted about 40 minutes
fast, slow......
lots of licking and such

he kept telling me to stop because he didn't want to come just yet
"slow down"

i looked up at him
"what do you want"
"i want to be in your pussy"

i rolled over on my back and he got up to get the condom
a bit more stroking with my lips and he was hard again
he slipped the condom on
and right as he was about to enter me
he got soft and the condom broke

"jesus christ"
"it's ok"
"i guess i have performance jitters"

at that point i thought he would get another condom and we would try again
but instead, he stopped

he layed on my bed and we talked for another good hour.....
"i have to have my head and heart and body into it in order for this to work.... i guess i'm just not ready"

we didn't talk much of our pasts or even our presents
but i did know i was his first in many
first with the ad
first with chatting
first with phone sex
first with meeting someone from the internet

i kept thinking it was me
he wasn't attracted to me, he changed his mind.............

it was awkward and i talked about everything under the sun to keep me from crying
i felt so rejected
so unwanted

so much like my everyday life........

he left with a hug and a few more kisses
he walked down the stairs and stopped
"goodnight muse"

i called him for the last leg of his trip home
it ended this way

"it was my utter and complete pleasure meeting you rachael. i really mean it"
"it was my pleasure meeting you too and i really mean it"
"i'm smiling now, that's rare for me....be sure to take that into consideration"
"i will. i'll talk to you soon"
"goodnight"

he kept telling me it wasn't me
that i was pretty
that he was attracted to me
that he thought he was ready but he's not

i just sat here and looked at my list again
10 guys in 2 years

some of them i don't count......the pre-ejaculation guys because quite honestly i'm not even sure how far they were in me....to put it bluntly
but even besides that..........
i guess it's obvious i'm looking for something
but inspite of how it looks
i don't want many

i want one

why can't i just find one

the curse of insecurity

will asked me to take some more photos for him.... his directions?
"be creative and use my, i mean your immagination"

so last night i set out to do just that
i've taken photos of myself before but never with such specific intent and detail
it was a very vulnerable yet exciting feeling

i took basic pictures of me smiling, me in my bra and one topless
then i took a picture of me licking one of my nipples
i took a straight on pussy shot
and then for kicks i took one of a marker sticking out of my pussy
and the final shot was me sucking on the marker after i took it out

i really wasnt' sure what he would think...seeing my body up that close
but i sent the attachments and went on with my evening

later last night i saw him online so i sent a few messages asking if he got the photos
i got no response
then i sent him an email and still...no response

i tried to not let it bother me, but i was so upset last night......
thought i had turned him off, maybe pushed it too far with the marker shot
or maybe he didn't like my pussy

all these thoughts of insecurity came pouring over me and i ended up not going to sleep til about 3am

i woke up this morning and there was a message in my inbox

"pics came through but i couldn't get at them til today. what a way to kick off a day..mmmmmmm. was seriously thinking of taking a sledge hammer to this stupid computer last night, it froze up like a naked eskimo."

sigh

my insecuirty strikes again
i gotta get that fixed

statistics

i am 28 years old
will is 35

i have been with older men, in fact, that's what i prefer....
there is just something about the physical features of an older man
the way he carries himself
his voice
i'm so drawn to that
like some old romantic movie

i am 6'1
will is 5'11 "and a half"....as he likes to put it
i have been with men a lot shorter than me. the shortest being 5'7

physically speaking i am a bbw and he is much smaller than me....

that was my concern

i HATE photo swaps. i am a pretty secure woman, but when it comes to that, every time i get nervous....i have lost a lot of "potential partners" due to that swap but i also know the importance of being attracted to someone.

in his ad he said he was looking for a bbw
in my ad i said i was a bbw and wanted that right up front....

our phone conversations are quite explicit and the desire is evident....
i'm curious to see if a meeting will indeed occur and how that will pan out.

he's about 2 hours from me so we talked how it would not be a very regular thing but we are both willing to at least give it a shot.

the beginning

will placed an ad at craig's list
i placed an ad at craig's list

i responded to his
he responded to mine

it all started on wednesady, november 3rd

a new adventure to him and though not completely new for me, still not familiar. conversation started off simple in an email....there was something about him that intrigued me, something about him that made me want to know more.

he made a comment in the email about be fragile and i commented with something about promising to use a gentle touch. his next email came back with

"the anticipation is killing me. don't let me fall off the edge of my seat for nothing. more eager by the minute probably get fired for checking so often so please make it worthwhile!"

and my response?

"hmmmm how could i make it worthwhile.....you and me sitting and having coffee in a public place. would my hand grace your leg? would yours touch my knee? would i be listening to you talk? or would i be off dreaming wondering what it would belike to kiss you, wondering how your tongue would feel in my mouth....wondering how your hand would feel touching my breast....feeling the warmth of my nipple....fantasizing about us standing, you pressed up against me, feeling you get hard........."

the emails continued throughout the day. about 50 emails in total......
and it ended this way

"i feel a drop of your cum splatter on my lip and slip my tongue out to lick it up.......i look at you in your eyes and smile"

we talked on the phone for over an hour that night...talking about the visions we had in our minds of what we would do to the other....

unfortunately, my phone died right as my hand slipped down to my wet pussy....
the next morning he left this message in my in box

"good morning muse. your intimate, throaty tone still resonates in my head. wish we could have finished our conversation last night for real instead of just in my dreams. i woke imagining your warm body pressed against me....my arm draped over you unconciously rolling an aroused nipple in my fingers....your breathing signals waking as you must feel me hardening behind you....i seem to have a one-track mind these past days of which i lay the blame solely on you
:-) "

the next evening we had phone sex and it was amazing...we have had phone sex once, if not twice every day since....

a meeting of the bodies is now in the works

my first post

it's odd to admit this, but my fingers are actually shaking as i type my first thoughts....i have thought about doing this for a while, but haven't had the guts to actually put it in written form. i have another blog...one my family and friends read, but this one....this one will be filled with all my "secrects untold" as i call them...my sexual adventures as an upper 20-something woman.

i have been inspired to create this, to actually take this step from some of the blogs i read daily, one of them being married man looking.

i am not sure how creative my posts will be, how detailed or inspiring, but i will do my best to throw myself into them and look at them for what they are worth....

and here starts my adventure