why do i even bother?

a friend of mine who i have had one encounter of a sexual nature with said he'd come over this morning and help me with my webcam because i was having problems with the drivers and such.
when he got here, he was all tense and weird...i tried dropping hints, to see if something else may be on his mind...did a lot of touching and such but it got me nowhere so i pulled back.

he got back home and messaged me on yahoo...
this is the conversation that unfolded

him: click on webcam n invite me to view. lets see if it will work ok
me: k
me: slow but works
him: yay!!!!!!! I see u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: yep. here i am
me: thanks for fixing my webcam
him: np
him: U ok
me: yep i'm fine why?
him: i lost ur cam there
me: yeah it's really slow
him: did u shut it off?
me: yeah
him: ahhh ok. slowin ur computer down too?
me: yeah i just turned it off
him: u didnt seem like u were too happy to see me
me: yeah i was.......
him: u sure?
me: yes
him: ok
me: u told me not to seduce u and stuff..... so i was just there.
him: i looked for ur vibe in ur bathroom. but didnt find it. hehe u must not keep it in there
me: i keep it in the drawer by my bed
me: easy access
me: u were just very stand offish
me: oh well. it doesn't matter now
him: i didnt mean to be. I sorry if im workingon a computer type thing i concentrate on that. I gave u a hug when i walked in. i dont think that was standoffish
sorry. n i wanted to squeeze u before i left.
me: well u got ur hugs.....
him: so
him: show me ur tits
me: i don't really feel like it anymore
him: i kinda felt u didnt feel like it when i was there, kinda why i didnt hint any farther.
me: well u should have
him: sorry can't help myself im sitting here stroking myself off imagining that u would of seduced me n sucked me off as i sat in ur computer chair.
me: suit yourself
him: dont be mad at me
me: i'm not mad. i don't care. it's not a big deal.
him: damn it
him: i did want u too when i was there was hopin u wouldnt sit so far away on the couch
me: u need to give me hints! hello i was practically leaning on u when we were at the computer
me: i kept touching ur knee and shit
me: since u didn't respond, i took that as u not wanting me to go further so i sat on the other end of the couch
him: i was hoping u would reach for my crotch when ia sked u to lean over me to type in ur stuff to sign on to yahoo
me: yeah...well that was ur perfect opportunity to make a move but u didn't
him: I can always come back over here in a couple mins before i go to class at noon. i will
me: ok
him: damn itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
me: what
him: im such a damn idiot
me: y?
him: i can't go no where now. son of a @#$$%^#$
him: damn it................... im sure u hat eme now
him: i hate myself right now for doing what i just did. i wanted to go back over n see u n go to class. no i have to sit here and not go no where cause im such a fuckin dumbass
him: im embarrassed right now. fuck
me: what did u do
him: i was in a hurry to get in my apt so i could use the bathroom and i locked my damn car keys in my car. now u r eeven madder at me and im gonna seriously be late for class now. fuck i hate mondays sometimes im retarded
me: well i hope u get the key thing straightened out
him: this is why i hate working nights too. i become so damn scatter brained cause im tired as hell n forget stuff.
me: ok well i hope u get to class on time
him: screw it
him: im just going to bed
him: im too irritated right now to jack with stuff.
him: im sorry
me: bye

....
seriously what was that all about?
and what was with all the mellowdrama?
this guy is a bit too immature for my taste....

safety

...received some concerns from a reader earlier today about my "spontaneous" encounter the other night.
being a single gal, i know the importance of safety and not putting myself in dangerous situations. now, i know that it sounds quite opposite from that post, but it wasn't as "blind" as one may think.
i wanted to protect his identity, so i didn't go into detail, but he is someone that is known of in my city and has a reputation so i knew he wouldn't want to risk that in any manner. i just never knew what he looked like or had talked to him before that night. so it was blind in that manner. true, it probably still wasn't the safest thing i have ever done and was pretty far outside of my comfort zone, but it was exciting and fed the urge i had that night.
sometimes i get to a point where my skin is crawling and that was one of those moments. an opportunity presented itself and i jumped on it.

i got shit from one of my friends about it the next day and was probably well deserved.

as i am going along on this blog journey, it is starting to make me feel like i am some sort of sleezy girl that sleeps with anything that looks her way. well, ok, so maybe i'd give him a bj, but i'm very picky actually on who i have penetrateable sex with. i haven't had intercourse since my last encounter with "ll" who was my last lover.

that is what i am looking for, yes...a lover. that is my quest, but i'm not going to randomly sleep with men to find him either.

but ia m a sexual being...most horny in the morning or late at night...so until i find that frequent bed partner, i will remain on the prowl for new opportunities that arise

afterthoughts

i love the before and during of sex but i also love
"after"

the tingles that continue to go throughout my body
my pussy smells wet and musty from coming
my hair is matted
cheeks flushed
the flashbacks that go through my head as i get a glass of water....
i can still smell him on my skin
i look and smell like i have just been fucked hard and good
and the truth is,
i have

first meeting (fantasy)

this is the last fantasy i used to get myself off.....


i went into my room, turned off the lights and light a candle and watched the candle cast shadows onto my wall as i started taking my clothes off....i took off my bra and pants and panties and left on my tanktop and crawled under the bed.
i pulled on my nipples as i imagined meeting you at the door. i opened it and was about to say hello and before i got the chance, you kissed me...you kissed me with such passion and urgency. i felt your tongue glide around mine and your hands dropped down my back to my ass and you pushed me into you. i looked up at you and you put your finger over my mouth and said "silence my pet...silence."
i started rubbing my clit in circles as i imagined you undressing me...slowly. your warm hand gliding down my back to undo my bra, your hands running to the front of my pants to unbotton them, as you bit down on one of my nipples. you left me in my panties and turned me so my back faced you and pushed my body down so my hands dropped to my toes and exposed my spine. i felt your warm wet mouth leave kiss by kiss from the bottom of my spine up to my neck, sending chills all over my body.
at this point i was very wet and started sliding my finger over my slit...the fantasy continued in my mind. you pushed me onto the bed and i watched you undress yourself...your eyes locked to mine as you stripped down to your boxers. you picked up your bag and presented some ties and a blindfold and laid them on the bed. you tied my hands above my head, to the headboard and tied my legs, spread wide, to the end of my bed. i layed there only in my panties and you got my candle and held it close to my body, admiring your work.
my finger slipped in my pussy as i imagined your body hovering over mine...tying a blindfold accross my eyes, leaving no light for me and your only instructions "trust me, my pet" you kissed my lips and i felt your hand slide down my body so slowly, you took your middle finger and slid it up and down my slit as your kisses lowered down my neck and onto my chest....you took a nipple between your lips and started to pull on it and bite it...it made my back arch and caused you to bite harder and a gasp escaped my lips.
you got up from my bed, i heard the floor creak as you went into the kitchen....moments later you returned....you straddled my body and brought an icecube to my lips, i opened them and sucked on on it. you let go of the ice cube and placed your lips on it and pushed it into my mouth, it rolled around between our tonges. i slipped it back into your mouth and you pulled away. i layed there still and then felt the cold water drip onto my nipple. you rubbed the icecube on my nipple in circles and then replaced the cold icecube with your mouth. the contrast of the two sent chills up my spine.
the icecube started melting on my body and you dragged it down my stomach and you pushed it over my clit and then burried it into my pussy where the warmth of my pussy melted it immediately.
i came as i imagined you slipping the ice cube deep in my pussy, saving the rest of my fantasy for another time.....

spontaneity

will finish part 2 of the fantasy turned reality next post or so
onto other business tonight
the issue of being spontaneous
now, i'm not the most spontaneous person i know
but it sure can be fun to let go
to give into that side of me that i hide

ended up chatting with a local guy in town this evening
in a sort of random way, from another girl in town i've never met...only chatted with
we decided to meet up, blind
no photos exchanged
no physical descriptions, nothing
i gave him my address and phone number and that was it

my skin was flushed and i paced back and forth in my apartment
"what the hell am i doing"
"what the hell was i thinking?"

but i was turned on
i was wet
before he even got to my door
i was wet

never have i met someone blind like that
with the intention of getting them off and getting off myself
i felt slutty
and it sent chills up my spine

i heard a whistle out my backdoor
fumbeled with the handle and opened it

there he was, wandering around, trying to figure out exactly where i was....
he came up the stairs, i locked the door
and was greeted with a kiss

tasted of smoke, but his lips were warm
and his tongue slipped in my mouth

the night continued on and here are some tidbits

he fucked my pussy with his fingers
he fucked it with my toy, so hard and fast that i squirted

he fingered my clit
and fingered my asshole

with the help of some lube, at one point he had 4 fingers deep in my pussy
my vibrator was on my clit
and i had anal beads in my ass

the orgasm was so strong that i squirted all over myself and his hands and my bed
i couldn't control it
i felt it build and build
and my whole body gave in to the feeling and i lost total control

he watched me fuck my ass with my finger
i rocked my hips back and forth and felt my finger slide in
one finger, then two

he stroked his cock as i licked his asshole
pushed my tongue into it as far as i could
and i felt his cum squirt on my shoulder and in my hair

spontaneity took over
and i'm glad i let it

i had some nice orgasms and got a new toy (anal beads) out of the deal too

...if you ever read this...
that was fucking awesome....
you made me feel like a dirty slut and i loved every second of it.

fantasy turned reality part 1

...i sat in my apartment, at my computer, lights low, moonlight dancing through my window onto my face.
a conversation of words started...
and a fantasy of mine started to develop right infront of me
he was in his car, texting me, already on his way to my place
he was making my fantasy come to life without me even knowing
his message
"take off all your clothes, put on your blindfold and go stand by the backdoor with your back facing it"
i texted him back
"what?"
...puzzled. was he really here? he lives a good 40 minute drive away. was he driving here this whole time?
his final message
"now"
i got up, took off my clothes and grabbed my blindfold
i was nervous, excited, full of anticipation
my skin was damp, cheeks flushed....
i stood there with my eyes closed, naked, dark to the world
i heard light footsteps up the back stairs
only moments after his last message, but it felt like years
the door opened
the breeze hit my naked skin and covered me in chills
he said no words, dropped the bag down on the floor
and as he saw the breeze go accross my back and sweep my hair up off my neck
he walked forward and kissed it
and clothed my naked body with his arms
he said no words....i could smell him and feel his warmth
his lips touched my neck and i felt it pulse through my body
he closed the door and i heard it lock
he grabbed my hand and i followed him into the back room
he pushed me onto the bed and i layed there perfectly still
i heard him unbuttoning his shirt, i heard his belt
the whole while laying there naked and in darkness
body tense, blood pulsing throughout my body
i felt the bed sink as his body grazed over mine
his finger over my lips and his warm breath in my ear
"shhhhhhhhhhhh"
at that moment, i surrendered my body to his
complete trust
he went through my apartment...
i heard drawers open, rattling, and i heard what sounded like the refrigerator
i heard the floor squeaking, telling me he was on his way back to me
no words exchanged
hands on my body, on my legs, bending my knees and spreading them
his finger pushed up against my clit as he put my hand down on the bed onto an object
i ran my fingers over it and discovered it was a handle of a kitchen utensil
long, skinny, cold
he directed my hand so the handle was pushed right up against my pussy
i felt the tip enter my pussy and awaited further instruction
...

part 2

bold i have done
asterisk i would like to do

01. I've had sex in the past five minutes. (well i had phone sex, does that count?)
02. I enjoy giving oral sex more than receiving.
03. I scream loudly in sex.
04. I love sleeping with more than one person.
05. I own at least three books about sex.
06. I leave the house minus underwear sometimes.
07. I have accepted financial renumeration for pleasures.
08. I've had sex while under the influence of a drug.
09. There is a tape floating around of me - ala Paris Hilton.
10. I have been the odd person in a threesome.
11. I have published the sexual exploits of a past relationship without telling my ex.
12. I have lied to a lover about having an affair.
13. I have more than four tattoos.
14. I like and respect Jenna Jameson.
15. I like slow sex.
16. I have learned a lot sexually over the past year.
17. I have a sexual fantasy about another blogger.
18. I've been told I give the best blowjobs.
19. I carry a condom at all times.
20. I have considered sex with a female blogger.
21. I've broken a bone while having sex.
22. I have a wet dream that I am ashamed to reveal.
23. I have had sex in the rain.*
24. I have had sex while someone else watched.*
25. I would get plastic surgery if it would improve my sex life.
26. I want to have sex right now.
27. Food play annoys me in sex.
28. I like sex that's hard and fast.
29. I always brush my teeth after sex. (well not sex, but bjs, yes)
30. I trim my pubic regions. (shave completely)
31. I have traveled out of town to have sex.
32. I have fantasized about having sex with my brother-/sister-in-law. sister-in-law
33. I have had sex with at least five different nationalities.
34. I dress to look sexy every day.
35. I have had sex with twins.
36. I have had sex with someone I met over the internet.
37. I have more than ten sex toys.
38. I like the way I look naked.
39. I have lied so a person would sleep with me.
40. I change from one sex position to another in a specific order each time.
41. I saw my parents having sex.
42. I get cable just for the soft porn.
43. I think legalized prostitution can reduce some crime.
44. I have a list of people I would like to see naked.
45. I have slept with my boss/superior.
46. I wish my sexual organs looked different.
47. I have wet dreams often.
48. I enjoy phone sex. ( find me on phone_loving_rae76 on yahoo)
49. I have been arrested for being naked in public.
50. I flirt online daily.

new list

saw this list today on freddy's blog http://eversearchingeye.blogspot.com and decided i would copy since i was answering my own as i read his anyhow....

bold is stuff i have done....and an asterisk for what i'd like to do....

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.
I have blindfolded someone else during sex.
I have had sex while watching porn.
I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.
I sleep better after sex. (after orgasms in general)
The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.
I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.
I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.
I have had sex over a web cam.* (a fantasy of mine is to have sex and let others watch on cam)
I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on.
I have been tied up during sex. * (big fantasy of mine)
I have had sex with someone who was tied up.
I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.*
I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a leather fetish.
I have a tickle fetish. (wouldn't say i have a fetish, but i am super ticklish)
I like being choked during sex.
I have had sex in a burning building
I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.
I enjoy nudie magazines.
Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.
I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.
I click on porn links in my email.
I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.
I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.
Much of what I know about sex come from porn.
Interracial sex turns me on.
I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.
I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.
My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs. (only 'cuz i dont' have one)
I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.
I have had sex at my place of employment.
I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.
Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.
I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.
I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.
I have had sex under water. * (another definite fantasy of mine)
I have had sex in the snow. * (ditto)
I am in a polyamorous relationship.
I have to have music playing while having sex.
I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.
I have flashed strangers.
I have given sex as a gift.
I have set-up a three-way for my lover. (unfortunately the relationship ended before it actually happened)
I stopped during this list to have sex.* (who doesn't wish that?!)

lazy mornings

i am not working right now
but am a graduate student, getting my master's degree
with that said...my mornings tend to be lazy and my evenings, long
most mornings, i wake up horny and find myself online
today was no different
i signed on with phone_loving_rae76
on my yahoo messenger and got messaged by a guy in australia i talk with occassionally
he turned on his cam for me and i watched him get off as he called me and listened to me

i find myself online most mornings now looking
have been debating about placing another ad on craigs list
but have not been very successful with any of the ads i have placed thus far

phone sex to go

...visiting my family for the weekend
they left this morning to go to church
and left me here bored and horny
got online with my phone_loving_rae76 id on yahoo
and ended up in the masturbation chat room
didn't take long til i got a message from a 27 year old guy from philly
he gave me his number and a *67 later, i was on my bed, legs spread
holding my phone between my legs, letting him hear my vibe slip in and out
a few minutes later, my body convulsed as i came hard
hearing me set him over the edge and my work was done
...

to have

i am not a person with huge wants
i am not a person with a long list of "i must have............"
but what i miss is having that frequent person
the one that makes the midnight phone call and asks if he can come over
the one who has phone sex with me while he's in the office restroom
i miss the extra kiss goodbye
the smell of him on my pillow
i miss finding random socks under my covers
to have that person
be it in the form of a relationship or friend
that is what i am searching for
that is what i miss
i miss knowing what turns someone on
i miss knowing all the places he loves to be kissed
to have that connection
to have that desire
that is what i miss

house call

at about 6pm i text messaged my ex
partly because i wanted to see what he was up to
partly cuz i was horny
and wanted to suck him

although we are no longer together, we do hook up from time to time
maybe not the best situation but we both know there are no strings
so for us, it works

we teased back and forth and at 9:57pm i texted him
"i'm here"

i walked into his house.....his son on the couch watching mtv
passed out asleep

we walked into the back bedroom
a familiar routine happened
he tossed me a bottle of lotion and said "please"
i knew what that meant
got on my knees and started massaging his feet
spent time on each foot
massaging the soreness out of them
hearing him grunt and sigh as i hit certain spots
then his legs

i finished his massage and he rolled over on his back
slipped off his boxers
and put his pillow over his face
he always puts pillows over his face and closes his eyes
he mumbled "suck me"
and i went to work

he's about 3 inches soft
but once he gets hard, he is 7 inches easy
maybe 8
he's the biggest i have ever been with
i've never been a "size matters" kind of girl
but when it comes to bjs i am
i've never been able to take him fully
but it had been a while since i had seen him
and i had been practicing on my dildo.....

(yes, i practice....it helps, trust me)

i started gliding around the head of his cock and he was instantly hard
i opened my mouth wide and he started sliding slowly in my wet mouth
i heard him moaning as he noticed me taking him deeper and deeper
i hit the base and heard him mumble
"fuuuucckkkk"

my hair fell down and tickled his shaft as i showed him my new sucking trick
"jesussss chrissttttt rae"

he stretched his arms out and pulled my hair up
i moved my body and started sucking fast and hard
"i'm going to shoot a load down ur throat"

i felt it pulse.....i felt the cum pulse through his shaft and into my mouth
i held his shaft there until he was done and he let my hair drop back down

"you were never bad at that, but damn that was incredible"

he layed there for a minute then got up to put his boxers on
i grabbed my keys, gave him a hug and was on my way

not bad for a house call

sex romanticized

the last time..........


the candlelight danced on his warm skin
i watched him laying there, relaxed
dead to the world that lay dormant outside my window
i glided my fingertips down his chest and down his stomach
not knowing it would be the last time
i turned my head down to watch him twitch as my touch went lower
i turned my body towards his member with my chest pressed up against his leg
i looked back
a smile crept on his face
i held the base firmly with my hand
and with one long lick came to the head
i felt the veins pulse with excitement
and he became hard from the warmth of my mouth
his hands clenched the sheets
as i pushed the tip of my tongue onto the head
slowly dragging it around
leaving a trail
i held the base again
one more long lick
opened my mouth
and pushed the head in my lips
rubbed it against the roof of my mouth
and then pushed it back further
letting him slip down my mouth
against my throat
down to the base
i held him there, hand touching my lips
squeezing tightly as i began to suck my lips around him
i tilted my head to look at him
his eyes wide
watching me
i smiled and watched his eyes roll back as he dropped his head back onto the pillow
i stopped and raised my body up over him
one knee bent on the bed
the other with the foot down
straddling
his eyes remain closed
i took my hand and welcomed his shaft to my slit
up and down
so wet from sucking him
i pushed it against me and removed my hand
and slowly brought my foot down and bent my knee to match the others
both knees on the bed
hands above his shoulders
i rocked myself back and forth
watching the candlelight dance on our bodies
our shadow casting movement on my wall
no sound but our bodies
i rocked my hips back and forth
perfect fit
my juice running down his balls
i reached around and gently squeezed them
a whimper escaped his lips
a moan from me
i could tell he was close
i slipped off him
and took him in my mouth hard and fast
too much for him
watching me taste myself on him
he exploded in my mouth
i held him in my mouth after
lowered my body back down to his
and rested there
so content and peaceful

i didn't know it would be the last time

stoned bj

i had never given a bj to someone who was stoned before
didn't think it would have much of an impact but it did
he layed there practically motionless
as though he was in his own votex of peace
a place i could never reach without taking my own hit
but i let the pipe pass....
i concentrated on the task before me
and would look up now and then to see him laying on my bed
candle light dancing on his naked body
motionless
it was though i was giving a bj to a rock
expressionless, motionless
except his cock, which still responded to my tongue and my mouth
at one point he did sit up and put his hand on my head
and pushed me into him
with force
he became aggressive
hungry
he held my mouth there
not letting me up for air
as a sudden burst of cum came into my mouth
still, not a sound from him
still, no expression on his face
he layed back down and fell asleep
......

lesson learned

it's 8:30pm sunday night
"gil" is here at my apartment
in the other room trying to come back from earth....
he smoked a pipe in my apartment
(none touched my lips)
claming it made him last longer....
i should have known right then it was a mistake.
how do i get myself into these situations anyhow?
at least he's not some psycho killer or something
(at least not yet)
i gave him head but then he made some snyde comment to me
and i left the room and out here i sit
no attempt towards an apology
just made a comment that he's waiting to come "back down"
i feel like a prisioner in my own home.
i'm actually bored....
i went back in my room and put my bra on because i felt weird sitting out here
with no bra on
knowing he was still in my apartment
even though, an hour ago, he was sucking on my nipples.

what a huge mistake to let this man come into my home
what a weird situation....

new blood

a few months ago i started corresponding with a man...
craig's list brought us together
we started casual platonic emails
that found their way into flirtatious temptations
talks of drinks
talks of seeing what corresponds between us
he was offered a quick transfer to california
and accepted and emailed me the same day
asked if he could give my email to his coworker
apparently the two worked together and unbeknownst to me...
every picture i sent him and every email i sent him
his coworker saw as well
at first i was offended
felt used
but after a few correspondences with the coworker ("g")
i felt at ease and flattered....

and now here i am

expecting a visitor in a few hours
"g" will be here in my apartment

adventers soon to follow i think
we shall see

on the prowl

my blog has been sporadic lately
life's reality has gotten in the way of other things
am back now
wanting to write more
wanting to us this escape as what it's intended for
my other blog is full of reality, full of what drains me
this i want to keep pure of that
......
random tidbits

haven't had sex since hotel excursion

did purchase a few things to work on the anal thing on my own

"a" contacted me again to possibly meet up and do some play time but his last spastic message session with me is telling me to keep my distance

have been chatting with a local guy and have been toying around with the idea of meeting...talked about a possible meet-up tonight. we shall see.

have been fantasizing about giving oral....i love doing that and miss it