The Secret Lives of Twist Ties

...
it's a line in a song "the secret lives of twist ties"
i love that line and it reminds me of my life
my own secret life
if you were to look at me walking down the street, you would have no idea of what i crave
you wouldn't know i like to hear "fuck me harder rae"
or that i like my nipples to be pinched or lightly bitten
you wouldn't know i have a list of things i've used on my pussy
*curling iron
*end of hairbrushes (different shapes and sizes)
*popsicle
*end of a spatula and other various kitchen utensils
*small round bar of soap
*small shampoo bottle

you wouldn't know i like to be blidfolded and playfully spanked
or that i love being woken up in the middle of the night for phone sex

you would see me out volunteering, writing my thesis project, reading books, helping friends....you would see this neat package walking down the street minding her own business...

there are very few that know both lives...
i use my blog as a way to look at the things i've done and to express them
sometimes they turn out bad, sometimes good
sometimes i feel guilty afterwards and sometimes not
but it's all part of learning who i am and what i like

it's all part of coming to grips with my sexual urges and desires
it's a part of facing them and exploring them and learning from them....

the secret lives of twist ties
we all have them
affairs
secret blogs
secret crushes

the secret life of rae

last night

...i slipped the toy out of my pussy, turned the light off and rolled over
my body was so relaxed and the urge was satisfied
i stayed in that position until morning
woke up, rolled over and felt something poke me in the stomach
it was my vibe, laying there, as a reminder of what occurred under the sheets hours before

he called me...chit chat was exchanged
and then
"i want you so bad right now"
escaped from his lips and in that instant, i was ready
i pulled my toy out of my nightstand
his breath got heavy
mine began to shallow
he in his bed
me in mine
his hips thrusting upwards imagining
me rocking back and forth
tangled in his fantasy
my toy slipping in and out hard and deep
his hand stroking fast
put the phone between my legs
the wetness echoing over the phone line
my name slipped through his breath
his name through mine
timing perfect
exploding in rhythm
together
traces of our orgasms on our bodies
he in his bed
me in mine
long sighs
satisfied silence
and a goodbye

house cleaning and knick knacks

...is there such a thing as blogger cheating?
or being a comment whore?
was following a commenter around to the different blogs they had left their trail on and it reminded me of the man at the bar who hits on every girl he sees...
somehow made me feel "not so special"
on the rare occassion someone does comment on my blog or say a nice compliment to me, it really does make me feel special, like some sort of blogger rockstar...but when i see tha same comment on someone else's blog...somehow it doesn't feel as special
but hmmm i've made comments on different blogs too
maybe i'm a comment whore too
oh well
but hey, i'll take what i can get....

...haven't had any camming or late night sessions with "sg" lately.
his schedule
his tiredness
none of those are working in my favor at this time
when we do get to chat it's about my job interviews and normal life
which is fine
but i miss those nights
and the occassional phone call

...last night i went to the adult store about 9:30pm to look for a new toy
the clerk there was really rude and rushing me so decided to wait and go back when i have more time to browse. didn't want to walk out of there with a $30 toy i didn't even really like...

details, installment 2

...
chills went up my spine as i felt his warm tongue drag slowly accross my lips
he put his hand in mine and rolled me onto my back and held my hand to the bed
his lips opened as he leaned closer and he gently started sucking on my lower lip
he pulled it a bit and as i began to sigh he put his lips fully on mine
opened my mouth wider with his tongue and slowly traced circles around it
he moaned and i felt it buzz through his tongue and it trailed through my body
i moved my knee up and i felt it press against him
he was hard
he rocked back and forth accross my knee as his kiss became deeper, faster, harder

he slowly pulled my panties off and i felt his finger just barely tracing my slit
he was hardly touching it but the intensity was so strong, i began to quiver
"i'm hardly even touching you and i can see your wetness"
and i could feel it welling up inside of me

so slow, barely touching, one long movement from slit up to my throbbing clit
he rubbed it gently in circles.....so lightly
it made my eyes roll back and he whispered
"do not cum til i tell you"
i nodded, unable to speak and closed my eyes trying to hold it back
my toes curled and i grabbed onto the bedpost
"i'm so close" i grunted "i can't hold it"
he stopped

i layed there for a while, shaking, craving, wanting release

he moved my head to the side and whispered
"i think someone needs to be handcuffed"

i nodded and just like that he was off the bed getting the cuffs
i squirmed to the middle of the bed and put one hand on each bedpost
the cuffs were cool, tight around my hand and when he locked the second cuff in place
i realized i was his to do with what he pleased
i felt my body jerk and the cuffs pulled tight against the bars and he chuckled

"you aren't going anywhere with those on"
he was right

he bent my legs and got down between them
i saw his tongue slide out from his mouth
and he slowly licked up just barely touching my dripping hot slit
"ugh" i moaned
he began lapping it slowly
one stroke after another
he got into a rhythm
never breaking it
i started getting close, quickly, and wanted to push his head from my slit
but i couldn't move

he came to my clit and pushed his tongue up against it
he moved his head back and forth as if it were my vibrator buzzing on it
his hands went up my body to my nipples and he pinched them hard
he rolled them between his fingers
and he started licking my slit again
lick after lick after lick
consistent

i moved my hips in rhythm with his tongue
i looked at him and he nodded

i dropped my head back on the pillow and felt it building
building
the consistentcy of his licks sent me over the edge and i bucked so hard i pulled on the cuffs and one released instantly
my whole body started shaking and i looked down to see my juice all over his face
my heart pounding
breath shallow
panting
he moved up my body and kissed me
letting me taste myself on him

he unlocked the other cuff
and i rolled back into him
"there you go" he said

"there you go"

details, installment one

...as promised, here are some details from thursday night

i got out of class and called him
it was 9:30pm
"come over, take all your clothes off at the door, and come into the bedroom"

fortunately i had taken a shower and shaved my legs and the puss before class
i felt no major need to primp so told him i'd make a quick trip to the drugstore and be on my way
... no, not for condoms, but for those snazzy little finger toothbrushes that i believe crest has put out now...you know that stupid commercial with the zip, twist, clean, flip...however that jingle goes. they actually work wonders and are perfect for a quick brush and small enough for the pocket/purse and leave your teeth clean and breath fresh

for emergencies you know

i showed up at his door and it was dark
i called him

"there isn't a single light on in the house, are you even home?"
"i'm here...in the back. come in and take your clothes off at the door"

i walked up the steps and opened the door
it creaked and i heard a voice from the back room
"lock the door behind you would ya?"

i locked the door and looked around
it was totally dark and my eyes weren't adjusting right
i walked in to take my clothes off and bumped into the chair
"ouch!"
"don't fall down out there, i just told you to take your clothes off"
he chuckled

i took off my pants and tshirt, bra, socks and shoes
and left nothing but the panties on
i walked slowly to the back room and saw his shadow on in the bed
he opened the blanket and i crawled inside

although i am a bigger gal, i felt small next to him
he raised his arm and i slipped right in all warm and snuggly
"Hello there"
his voice was deep and rattled in my chest
i opened my mouth to speak but he leaned in and pressed his lips close to mine
barely touching
i could feel his breath
and he said "it's time to tease you"

i moved closer to kiss him but he pulled back, taunting me
his lips full, plump, warm
he leaned in closer again and brushed them accross mine
then took his tongue and licked accross them

chills went down my spine

spent

it's 7:30am on this already sunnny friday and i'm just getting in...

had a lot of firsts last night
the room was destroyed by our pressense in such a way that i spent 15 minutes trying to locate my panties to no avail...
alas i had to drive home commando

i am physically spent
and sexually (at least enough to hold me over for a while)

shall i post details???

his eyes

there is something about his eyes that drives me crazy
so big and full of color
so sexy
the window to the soul but so many little secrects and doors that make him elusive
make me want him more

i fantasize about those eyes
about looking into them when he's inside me
about focusing on them when i feel myself get close
wondering what they will reflect back
wondering how wide they will open when he fills my pussy

i think about exchanging glances with him accross the room
nobody but him knowing the desire i have

i fantasize about pulling his face close to mine and kissing his lips after our sexual desires are momentarily fulfilled
and then seeing the smile in his eyes

so big and full of color
so sexy

his eyes

phone loving corner

it is no secrect that i love phone sex
and although i am always on the prowl for a new phone adventure
i have accumulated a few regulars over the last couple years or so
have decided to do a sort of "feature" section on these guys and some of our adventures

so today's phone loving corner representative is judd

i met judd on yahoo a few months ago when i wandered into a "adult" room in yahoo chat. i have had phone sex with judd now probably 5 times. we know nothing of each other but our names and states we live in. with him there is no chit chat after, there is no details of life, no other topics...it is phone sex and a quick "goodbye talk with you soon"

i like that about judd.

judd likes to be in control. he tells me what to do.
touch your nipples
pinch your clit

at first he just listens to me and lets himself get hard and then asks me
"do you want me to stroke myself for you"
where i then, ofcourse, say "please"

he is very vocal and before he comes he usually says things like
"ok ok ok ok ok ok are you ready? "
and he'll repeatedly say my name as i hear his body jerking as he cums hard

the last time we had phone sex was a couple days ago. i usually get on yahoo on my mobile at night and leave it by my bed in case someone needs/wants to get a hold of me.

it was about 1am and my phone went off
it was judd
"i want you" it said
another message
"i'm horny. i want you now"
things like that get my attention quickly...
i woke up fully and messaged him "i'll call"

by the time i called him i was already wet and ready to go...
someone waking me up because they are horny isn't a bother to me, it's a turn-on
"let me hear you" he said
"let me hear that wet pussy"
so i jammed the vibe in my pussy hard and fast so he could hear it
my moans echoed in the background
i put the phone back up to my ear and heard him
"oh yeah that's it...that's IT......"
and within a couple minutes we came together
he can time it almost perfectly so we cum at the same time

he also likes to set up certain scenes and has me act them out as if it's really happening
he loves it when i bend over my bed or a desk for him and use my vibe on my pussy that way. i have done that a few times for him...
the latest scene involved me in the bathroom

"go to your bathroom"
"ok i'm here"
"can you sit on your sink?"
"yep i can prop myself up there and spread my legs on either side of the counter"
"good do that for me"
"ok"
"are you ready? got those legs spread for me?"
"yes i'm ready, what do you want me to do now?"
"put your vibe on low and put it on your clit, i wanna hear you squirm"

i did as he asked and felt the wetness form in my pussy walls
"you getting wet rae? is it turning you on"
"yesss" i muttered
"take your toy and slowly slide it in your pussy. go very slow"
"ok" i moaned as it slowly slid in
"that's it rae...that's what i want"
"ohhhhhh" i felt it slide all the way down to the base and looked down and saw some of my wetness running over the end
"my cock is hard rae want me to stroke it for you?"
"yes please"
he put the phone by his cock as i heard him squirt lube all over it. it sounded slippery like my pussy did as my toy went in and out
"ok rae are you ready for me?"
"fuck yes...please"
"ok rae as i put my hand on my cock and start stroking, you start fucking yourself faster"
"ok"
"go"
i leaned back against the mirror and closed my eyes and started putting my vibe in fast and hard in my pussy...in and out all the way down and almost all the way out and imagined being fucked in that position...imagined him watching himself fuck me in my mirror...i got wetter and wetter and had a hard time holding onto the vibe, it kept slipping through my fingers
"shit" i said
"what's going on"
"i can't hold it, i'm too wet"
"do you have a washcloth nearby?"
"yes i do"
"grab it and put it over the top and hold it that way"
i did as he instructed and my grip returned
"ohhhh yeahhhhhh" i said
his breathing got faster
and i started fucking myself so hard that he could hear it without me even putting the phone down there
"damn i can hear you fuck yourself"
at this point my moans and breath became louder and more sporadic and he could tell i was close
"you almost there rae?"
"yesssss" i said
"ok jump off the sink and bend over it i want to cum in you that way"
i jumped off and bent over and slid my vibe in slow and rocked it back and forth
"i'm gonna cum" i grunted
"go"
and as i jammed it in one more time, i felt the orgasm rip through my body and my legs began to shake. i dropped my vibe on the floor and grabbed the edge of the sink and felt it down to my toes...
he came with me
i heard him grunt loudly and he said my name as it tore through him
i collapsed down onto my knees and rested my face on the sink
"shit" i said
"good for you too?"
"ofcourse, i'm kneeling on the floor composing myself"
"that's what i like to hear"
"thanks for the wake-up call" i said
"anytime rae, anytime"

argh

ARGH
all i can say is ARGH!
or BOLLUCKS

there was this local guy, i'll call him "s.o.b." ok well maybe that's not the nicest thing, i'll call him trucker...so trucker was a friend of mine who i had a totally platonic relationship with. no sex.
well recently when i was online, he popped up and chatted with me a bit and his second or third comment to me was "wanna fuck?"
i thought he was kidding at first and brushed it off but he pursued it...telling me basically that i didn't have anyone and he didn't have anyone and we are friends and it may be a good way to take care of our needs...and he ended it with "think about it"
so i started thinking about it
and thinking about it
my thinking bounced around back and forth and finally i decided "why not"
i knew he wouldn't be a total jerk about it because we have the same circle of friends and who would want to make that all messy...

and then
today
out of nowhere

i get this message

him: hey i have bad news
me: bad news?
him: yeah, i'm seeing someone
me: umm ok that's not bad news that's good news. congrats!
him: yeah, well i didn't want you to be pissed or anything. i met her saturday and we've hung out every day since then (reminder, it is NOW TUESDAY) and we are talking about going on vacation together and she's totally awesome
me: (now playing along) wow that's so great! i'm so happy for you! congrats!
him: yeah thanks, i met her in the bar and so far she's totally impressed me and she's called me every day
me: very cool (what else am i supposd to say here)
him: yeah she has two kids
me: that's cool (running out of expressive statements)
him: yeah that really doesn't bother me
me: good deal

and from here i said i had to go do errands and he thought that was rude of me to leave and then the conversation ended with a "k"
a "k"!!!
first of all i hate "k"
i think it's rude, short, has a negative tone with me
say "ok" come on, it's one extra letter

i think the thing that pissed me off the most about this conversation was how he started it
"i have bad news"
it made me feel like "awww i'm so sorry poor baby that i can't have meaningless sex with you because now i've found someone in the last five days and she's awesome and well you are alone...i'm sorry."

i'm just frustrated with the whole thing
not that he was leading me on, he didn't know he'd meet someone
but treating it like "poor rae"
someone should have been patting my head as i read that
"poor rae"

ok i know i'm ranting and raving and probably about nothing
or at least not anything anyone cares about...
i'm just frustrated

i can't seem to find what i want and the more things like this happen in my life, the more it makes me want to either shut down business or just sleep with anything that waves at me and i don't want to do either of those things

"poor rae"

argh!

valentine inventory

card from grandma (with 10 dollars - thanks grams)
card from mom and dad (with 50 dollars - thanks mom and dad)
card from friend
card from friend
valentine wishes from mom and dad on phone
e-card from alex
valentine wishes from a long-distant friend on phone
valentine wishes via yahoo messenger from "sg"
valentine brownie home-made from a woman in my class

overall, i think i did allright for myself

no valentine phone sex though...

the other night "hd" did come over
and we had sex
sex with him is easy

i origionally was working on a detailed post about it
but figured the only person who would care about the details would be "sg"
and we already had some cam fun from those images...
so no need to go into details here

but sex with "hd" is uncomplicated
he knows what i like, he knows my body
he can slide his cock right in without any assistance
i love that
he suckes my nipples while he rocks back and forth
he talks dirty to me
and when he finished, he collapsed on top of me and i could feel his heartbeat
when he left, i smelled of sex
and looked it
flushed cheeks and all

on his way

it's 8:00pm and "hd" is on his way over
the ex...
booty call, this time for me
last time when i made the "bj house call"
i told him as i walked out that he owed me
tonight is my turn
he knows what i like
he knows how to get me
and now that i'm off my cycle and ready to go
it's the perfect time to get some

will post details later

litter me with small awarenesses

(started drafting this friday evening)

...it's amazing what a drive in the country can do for the soul
especially when the air is warm enough for you to keep a window down
and twirl your hand in the breeze

i had almost a whole day of thought

feeling better now, cleaned out in a way...
still smelling like the clover dying to burst through the ground in the open fields

i got caught up in a fantasy and burned myself in the process
i know in reality i am nothing to him
i am a girl on the computer in a different state
i am not his wife, his family, his responsibilities
i am a distraction

now i don't mean that in not a negative way
i know he cares about me
i'm not "nothing"
he's been amazing
what i mean is that
i'm not every day reality
realistically speaking i could never be his lover
(i sure hope you don't take that wrong, i know you care about me)
but it was like i was wanting him to tell me to stop looking for someone
because he was the one
which, well, isn't possible

it would be awesome if we could meet up one day
i think we would both like that
i know we would
but for now things have to remain how they were
internet "lovers" and friends

today's conversations sort of slapped me in the face
of the reality of our situation
and as much as it sucked, i know i needed it

my search for a local lover has to continue
because unfortnuately for me he does not fit into that category
now if we were closer, if his home life wasn't so sensitive right now..things would be different...

but if i were to stop my searching
i would become sexually frustrated
and he wouldn't be able to live vicariously through me anymore
and i think eventually we would end up as nothing
not even friends
and i know i don't want that

so what happens now...
in my hopes
i want us to remain as we have been
friends, chatters...and when the opportunity arises to play online...
with that open door of meeting some day

can that exist for us?
i want it to

dead ends

just got off the phone with "sg"
i'm sitting here watching his screen name
all lit up on my computer but we aren't chatting

i was offered an "opportunity" last night
of a sexual nature, with a local guy friend in town

i told "sg" about it and his response was first making sure
i'd be treated right and this guy would respect me
and his other response was wanting to know details

i am in no position to ask for what i want
but there are parts of me that want him to be jealous
part of me that want him to tell me not to

i fee like i'm in some sort of corner
he was attracted to my sexual energy
but now since he can't be the recipient
it's like he can only watch me

he told me, him telling me not to
would do nothing for either of us

i know that
but still
...

we are headed towards a dead end


i don't want to stop talking to him
but i'm not sure how i feel about him encouraging me on in sexual adventures

but then again if the opportunity presented itself for him to be with someone
i would have no right to ask him not to
not like i could do anything for him


i feel like i have no right to feel what i do
so why do i feel it?
why do i feel crushed and upset that he didn't even seem to be a tiny bit jealous

i know he'd like to be the recipient of my sexual adventures
that part is not unknown

the conversation ended badly....
2 phone calls combined with a chat
and now i'm left with this bad vibe
and streaks on my cheeks



sg: will you tell me about it?
me: about what happens?
sg: ya
me: you want details of me fucking some guy?
sg: would you be upset if i said yes?
sg: would imagine him to be me
me: yeah
sg: ok - here's where i'm coming from (as if you need to hear this again)
sg: this guy is real
sg: you have real needs
sg: real in the sense that he's local
me: yeah
sg: go see him
sg: don't tell me about it
sg: our time will come
sg: upset?
me: no
sg: what are you feeling?
me: dunno
me: if you want details, i'll tell u details
me: probalby will write about it in my blog anyways
sg: disappointed in my response?
me: i have no right to be
me: but a little i guess
sg: should we just be trying to keep this on one level?
me: friendship?
sg: whatever works
sg: so things do not get too complicated - i'm just throwing out an idea
sg: what do you want?
me: what i want doesn't exist
me: what do YOU want
sg: it doesn't exist either
me: does it affect you?
sg: it affects me I think less I think bec. I have to switch hats / roles more definitively
sg: ie have to be husband
sg: father
sg: provider
sg: takes my mind off things
me: gotcha
sg: i like what we have
sg: i want more
sg: but that is not realistic now
...

he's right
it's not realistic
he's also right..he has a wife, a family

i don't like how i'm feeling right now
and not sure what to do about it

i have that song on again in the background
"remember to breathe and everything will be ok"

in the beginning

i know eventually the excitement fades
i know the "urge" can weaken and the newness can fade
but there is just something about that beginning that i crave
am i just being greedy?

i want a phone call that wakes me up in the morning because he can't wait to hear my voice

i want an email during the middle of the day, telling me what he's thinking or craving from me

i want to be wanted

i want to KNOW i am wanted

i want to know about the restless sleep that he has and the visions of the first kiss
...
i look at all those "i wants" and i feel like it's an unrealistic list

but that's one thing i love about the beginning...
desire outweighs realism

that's what i want

remember to breathe

" so sneakers or flip flops, i'm starting to panic
wait wait
remember she asked you
remember to
b r e a t h e
and everything
will be ok"

i've got this song blasting through my speakers right now
and am singing loud and proud like some punk rocker
it's by a band called "dashboard confessionals"
they are known for their punkrock ballads
and this song happens to be one of my favorites

i keep rewiding that one part
it's a song about meeting a girl and the nerves that abound
but there is something in his voice
some sort of desperation which i like

i love punk music

i love music in general
but there is something about the punk writer/singer
or "emo" in some cases that gets to me
the vulnerability, the scream-like nakedness in their voices

i love watching them
watching the expression on their faces
i love it when their voice breaks
i love watching them pound their guitars

although, most of the time when i'm watching a band live, my eyes drift
to the bass player
i've had a thing for bass players since i can remember

my best friend's brother played bass and we used to go watch their band play
he'd stand up on stage totally stiff
oblivious to everyone watching
strumming his chords

bass players are the ones in the background, usually the "neglected" ones
not up front and not getting attention
maybe that's why i'm drawn to them
or the attitude, the quiet attitude that most of them seem to possess
and i love the sound
the low melodic sound that you can feel in your heartbeat

they play a sound i can feel
how amazing

when i listen to a song, even this one
i pick out the bass line
and find myself tapping along to it

i have a fantasy with "sg"
watching him play....staring at him
a face in the crowd that he has no idea of

and the line loops around
"remember to breathe...and everything will be ok"

sticks and stones

i don't care what they say...words definitely can pierce...
got into an argument this evening with a guy who i had this sort of relationship with
we would talk about dating and then he'd change his mind and he'd play this back and forth game with me and tonight during a chat i told him i thought it would be best to just not talk anymore...
this is what unfolded from there

me: i'm taking you off my lists
him: good luck then in life and i hope you find what you ARE looking for
me: whatever
him: if that is what you wish to do
him: don't be getting knocked up by someone who'll leave you know
him: ya hear
me: i can't beleive you just said that
me: that's the meanest thing you could ever say
me: my son DIED!!!!
me: he left me in the middle of my pregnancy and my son died!
me: and you just made that joke?!!!!
him: I'm sorry
him: now that was over the line
me: i can't believe you just said that!!!!!!
him: I do apologize for that one
me: now i'm crying
him: i have had something like that said to me once that was personal, but not of that severity
him: i am sooo sorry
him: i lost my head on that one.......sorry
him: anyway. i am sorry and truely good luck in all things in life
him: goodbye

my own lists

current:
outfit - white tank top, panties, track pants, slippers
cd - toad the wet sprocket
crush - "sg"
chatting conversation - none
fantasy - a public restroom in the mall with "sg"
battery supply - dwindling
lover - none :(

last:
lover - "ll"
cam session - curt, last night
real session - guy from "spontaneous" post
orgasm - this morning in shower
phone sex - the other night in the basement with "sg"

best:
lover - "ll"
fantasy - "fantasy turned reality, part 1"

favorite:
place to be kissed - the side of my neck, next to my chin
place to kiss - lips, neck, ears, under the chin, shoulder blades, spine, under the knee, down the back, eyes....everywhere
thing to hear - i want you
dirty word - fuck
place to give a bj - car or some other "taboo" place
position - either missionary so i can watch it slide in, or doggy
time for sex - late at night or early morning

longest:
drive for sex - 7 hours
single session - 5 hours with a couple small breaks
partner - 8 months

secrects:
been cheated on - yes
cheated - yes
sex with married man - yes

supplies:
anal beads
standard vibe 7"
laytex vibe with rotating shaft and clit attachment 8"
lube in a variety of textures and flavors
nipple clamps
blindfold, scarves and other miscellaneous restraints
bullet vibe for shower 2"

wanting - sg
when - now

with permission

"sg" and i have cammed a few times now...
this was part of our conversation this evening

posted, with permission

sg : why am i the only one on cam?
me: was waiting for u to ask
sg : please?
sg : there she is
sg : hey cutie
sg : cute glasses again
me: thanks
sg : yawn?
me: stretching
sg : nice look
sg : lol
me: lol
sg : k - bout time for me to turn in baby
sg : you ok?
me: yeah
sg : sure?
me: sure
sg : ok
sg : you look really delicious tonight
me: thanks
sg : ok - i've been hesitating to brng this up but....
me: but?
sg : what i thought you were going to ask earlier but was kinda thankful that you didn't
sg : can you guess?
me: no
sg : ok - that's probably a good thing, let's leave it at that
me: tell .......
me: tell me.........
sg : well ok - you said, can I say something?
sg : i was half worried that you were gonna say something like whip it out LOL, wasn't ready for that .....
sg : and it would totally be out of context of our convo
me: lol
me: well it crossed my mind
sg : yes, but you didn't verbalize - so thanks
me: welcome
sg : ok - you off to bed or gonna stay up?
me: blog then bed
sg : k
me: goodnight kiss? i'll return the gesture
me: my cam is too damn slow
sg : lol
sg : so cute
sg : see how quickly i obliged when u asked LOL
me: glad
me: hey... whip it out lol
sg : now you are just f'n w/ me
sg : lol
me: go to bed darlin' remember, you are one of my very favorites
sg : as you are one of mine
sg : and just for the record....
me: yes?
sg : if you were serious, i woulda
sg : nitey nite
me: hey...........
sg : lol
sg : hey what
me: prove it
sg : you sure?
me: p r o v e it
me: hey it's hard already?
sg : not fully but on the way
sg : because of you
me: holding out on me........
me: hey who said u could pull them up
sg : you call that holding out? you asked and i dropped
me: drop
sg : and?
me: keep going?
sg : tell me what u want so i can give it to u
me: i want to see your hand tight, exposing the head
me: i love the head of ur cock.....
me: i can just imagine it right on my pussy hole
sg : mmmm
sg : keep standing?
sg : drive please
me: sit
me: pull ur shirt up a bit so i can see better
me: there you go
me: stroke it.....imagine it's my mouth
me: imagine me licking off the precum..... holding ur shaft tight in my mouth
me: do u like having ur balls touched? played with?
sg : yes if my partner is into it
me: take ur other hand and touch ur balls a bit
me: keep stroking, lube up ur hand if u need to.....cuz it would be really wet with my mouth on it
me: yeah that's it......stroke your cock for me.
me: i want u to make urself cum for me
me: imagine it sliding in my pussy......
me: ur bare cock
me: my wet pussy
me: damn that's so sexy
sg : ok
me: did i do better at directing?
sg : yes, really helped
sg : plus in my mind, i'm really giving u what you want
me: mine too i'm soaking wet over here
me: thanks fo that darlin
sg : np
sg : anytime
me: ur the best online lover a girl could ask for lol
sg : lol -
sg : ok
sg : nitey nite
sg has signed out. (2/8/05 11:54 PM)

side-tracked

glasses on
i sit here at my desk
darkness out my window
a soft light casting shadows on my wall

a glass of ice water sits and i watch the glass sweat
beads of water slowly running down, making a trail
to the base of the glass

i sit here, focused on one particular bead
i watch it form and twiddle my hair around my finger
as i follow it down, slowly making it's journey

i drift off into fantasy

i picture me on my bed
room dark except for a few candles
him, holding an ice cube above my nipple and watching a drop fall ont it
feeling the cold, hardening my nipple
a soft moan escaping my lips
watching the bead slide, slip down my nipple

him taking the ice cube, sliding it around my nipple
tracing it
me biting my lip
wetness forming on my breast
and between my legs

i see him take the ice cube
glide it slowly up my neck
then kissing, licking the trail up

he puts the ice cube in his mouth, leans up to my lips
he kisses me
slips the ice cube in my mouth
and we pass it back and forth between our tongues
the last piece in my mouth
i swallow it

pull him close and kiss him again
my fingers on the back of his neck
our tongues becoming warm again
entangled

i wake back up

bead of water still on the glass
i lift up the fallen strap of my camisole
take a deep breath
take one of the ice cubes in my mouth
and giggle

ode to a one-track mind

it sneaks up on you
sometimes in the middle of the night or late in the afternoon
it hits you from nowhere, while checking an email, eating a sandwhich....
and all of the sudden the urge strikes
the one-track mind kicks in
and no distraction can take your mind off of what it craves
you try and run from it, try and advert the attention elsewhere
but you still feel it
the heart beats harder
the skin becomes flushed
and even your fingers begin to ache
your body can't help but respond to its addiction

last night awoke me after such an urge
woken from deep slumber
i tossed and turned, telling my body i was too tired
begging it to wait until morning
but the feeling wouldn't subside

my pussy was drenched, craving release
bundled beneath the covers
not a light in the room
my hand reached from underneath the warmth and grabbed my toy from the stand
it slipped right in
no friction
instantly covered in my wetness

harder, faster
my body screamed

my clit aching for attention

i thought of him

no kissing, no tenderness
hard, deep fucking
hearing the smack of his balls against my pussy

i held my vibe on my clit
making my body shake
too good almost to a level of pain
i tried to let go, tried to pull away from my clit
something inside wouldn't let me

i felt myself get closer
everything within me pulsing
aching
ready

i pulled my toy of my clit
shoved it in deep with one movement
all the way to the base
and felt my orgasm rip through my body
grasping my toy hard and firm

my juices ran down my ass
and my body collapsed in one movement onto my bed
i pulled out my toy
rolled over

and sung an ode to a one-track mind

i want you to know

i want you to know that these past few days have been incredible
they are cherished
beyond the sexual intentions
beyond the teasing
they are cherished

i want you to know i think about you
i wonder what your hand will feel like as you drag it down my body
what the first kiss will be like
how your tongue will feel in my mouth
i wonder how strong your heartbeat will be when i lay my head on your chest

i want you to know i'm content
things may change eventually
the distance may prove to be our dead end after all
but i'm enjoying each moment i get with you
even enough to write a blog entry that sounds like a hallmark greeting card

i want you to know you are sexy
blow out the insecurites and be confident in yourself
your warm skin, the look in your eyes
even the parts you are most insecure about
your body alone creates wet spots in my panties

i want you to know your voice quiets my spirit
yet it stirs up my being

i want you to know
i want you and crave you
my hand can't help but wander down to my pussy when i think of you
whether in my bed, or in my car, or in the shower

all these things may be given
all these things may already be understood

but i wanted you to know

reflections and a phone call

i was sitting in the hallway
waiting to be called in for an interview
my phone rang and i looked at the caller id
"sg"

"your voice is so sexy, it's making me hard"
he said it in this soft way, like he was telling me a secrect
a little treasure just for me
i was having this impact on him
my voice, his image of me, was making him hard

usually phone sex is not that big of a deal for me
i enjoy it but don't often have a desire of a specific person
but i want it with him, i crave it with him
i can't wait to hear him moan
to hear him say my name
god, i just want to hear him say my name

the circumstances are tricky
who knows when it will happen
but to be able to hear him let go, will send me over the edge

the thought alone makes me wet

i can still hear his deep voice telling me he's hard for me
such a turn-on

if distance wasn't such a hurdle
i can't help but think he would be the one
the lover i have been looking for

we had a cam session last night
and even just watching his face
and knowing the desire that he had
watching him was amazing

we talked how it seemed like a dead-end
why persue something that is a dead-end
he asked me if i wanted to stop
"no"
i asked him if he wanted to stop
"no"

maybe we can make this not so hypothetical after all

but for now, he'll creep into my thoughts when i'm sitting in class
my clit will throb when i think of him telling me i make him hard
for now we'll tease through instant messages and phone calls

for now

from sexy to sullen

...the call started off with the normal flirtatious routine.
i'm not quite sure how there can be a routine since we just "met" yesterday, but conversation seems to flow that way.
we talked more about my blog, more about my sexual adventures
places i like to have sex
places i have given blow jobs
another hypothetical meeting..strangers in a mall.

and then the conversation turned to one of reality.
i have another blog...a blog where i write about the reality of my life...
where i write about my hurts and struggles as a person minus the sexual exploits.
i usually keep the two separate.
someone who i talk to on phone_loving or who reads this blog, doesn't know of the other one...except for a few exceptions.
but i like it that way.
i like to keep it fun and exciting and not drag in my personal life...
pepole have their own realities, they don't need mine as well...
but this new guy, who will now be known as sg (shy guy) was one of those exceptions.
i gave him my other blog url and decided to let him roam around in that part of me.
not sure why i did it...i guess because he asked.
but on the phone today got brought up the subject of my medical health which then led into a recent loss of mine. a son. we talked about it and i felt myself reliving everything....did i really just burry him 5 months ago?
the conversation took a quick turn and any hope of play disappeared instantly.
he went from sexy to sullen in about 3 minutes and i brought him there...
i started crying partly out of frustration of my two worlds colliding and partly because of the memories.
i do not blame him...i am not upset that he brought it up and i hope he knows that (i mean it "sg", i have no regrets you brought it up)

i don't know if i should be mad at myself for thinking i could keep that part of my life separate, or if i should be mad at myself for NOT keeping it separate.
as soon as people find out, everything changes and i feel like some fragile creature.
i wonder what he'll think of me now...will his sexual desires turn to ones of care and nurture? can both exist together?
he left a voice mail and the sincerity and genuineness in his voice makes me think maybe it is possible for both worlds to co-exist...but maybe not.

the part of my life that i keep so separate got brought up right into the ugly open and forced me to look at it again.

so i decided to sit here and write this part of my life into this blog...now don't expect me to go on every day talking about the intimate details of my struggles, but i guess this is a start to letting myself be more real.

i pride myself as being a honest creature
and now my two worlds aren't quite so separate

thanks for that "sg"

blue balls and dead batteries

today started off like most.
slept in, and dragged myself out of bed
and wandered onto my computer.
i checked the blogs that i read on a daily basis, got some breakfast
and then signed on phone_loving
i had a couple messages waiting there for me
from a reader...
he came accross my blog from one of the ones i'm linked to
and sat there at his desk and read all the posts in about one hour's time
i messaged him back and for the rest of the day he occupied my time
we chatted back and forth about my blog and about my sexual desires and experiences
and then the issue of a phone call got broght up
"just to say hello" he said

he called me
his voice, soft and sexy
there was an urgency in his voice
i could feel it on the other end and it made me wet
there was this taboo essense and part of that added to the energy
i layed there on my bed and heard him say "i can just imagine the bare head of my cock right on your pussy hole"

i couldn't help it..i couldn't resist and began playing.
he was at work, unable to participate....only listened to my toy sliding in and out of my pussy....i came once for him and we said our goodbyes

i continued playing, imagining a fantasy unfolding and he called again a few moments later
"i can't help it, i need to hear you again" i came again for him....hard and fast

we hung up and then i came a 3rd and 4th time still hearing the echo of his voice on the other line....
it drained my batteries dry

the rest of the day continued with messages here and there
and talk of a hypothetical affair...

i go to the hotel and get the key from the front desk...i do not ask if anyone else has checked in yet. the butterflies too strong to even ask.
i get on the elevator and find myself fumbling with my shirt and my hair...looking at my reflection in the mirror of the elevator.
i wonder if he'll be there when i open the door
or will it be vacant
leaving only me there to wait
the elevator opens and i feel my breath escape me
i walk to the door and i feel my skin flush
the card goes in, the light turns green and i open the door slowly, not sure what i'll find on the other end....
the room is dark, shades pulled and there is no sense of him there
i walk over to the bed and see the flashing light near the phone
i press it and hear "running late, will be there as soon as i can...make yourself comfortable"
i immediately relax as i hear his familiar voice and i kick off my shoes and lay on the bed
an hour passes and my eyes become heavy and i fall asleep
curled up on my side
the door opens and i become a bit restless but only turn over on my side
a few moments of silence and then i feel the bed move from under me
i lay still but feel my heart racing
he crawls over to me and lays next to me on his side
nose touching nose
i feel his hand graze my cheek as he says my name
i opene my eyes and they meet his with a big smile
he pushes his face into mine and his lips push against my warm lips
i part them and greet him with a kiss
my mouth opens farther and he slides his tongue in searching for my tongue
they meet and being to glide around one another as i feel his hand glide down my body
no words are exchanged
i close my eyes and lean further into him
my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him into me...kissing more fervently
kissing with more urgency
i roll onto my back and he follows
his hand slide up under my shirt and his cold hand on my skin sends chills all over my body
the desire for him to be in me is so strong, he senses it...
he pulls down my pants and starts grinding up against me
teasing me
his lips touch my neck, his tongue traces my ear....
he keeps grinding, and feels my wetness through the red material that covers my pussy
his pants come off and his bare cock glides accross the material
my legs part
kisses more passionate
my fingers gliding down his back
he slowly slides off my panties
leans up on his hands and looks at my clean pussy
my legs remain spread and i watch him stroke his cock
he rubs the precum around the head and then leans in
the head of his cock rests right on my slit
our eyes lock and without a word, i put my hand on his cock
and slowly glide him into my pussy
i feel it slide in, down to the base
covering his shaft with my warm wet walls
my hand drops and i place them onto his hips
he starts fucking me hard and fast
deep
his balls slapping against me
i leave my eyes locked on his
feeling his safter get harder in my pussy
feeling his balls tighten
i clench my walls tighter around him
as he slams faster and faster in me
my hips rocking with his movements
i sense him getting close
he makes a movement to pull out
and i push my hands back on his hips
keeping him there
he understands what i want
his body jerks and i feel him pulse in my pussy
his cum spurts deep in my hole
mixing his cum with mine
i milk his cock by clenching my pussy
and he falls down and collapses onto my chest
he lookst at me and says
"hi, it's nice to meet you"

and so unfolds the hypothetical affair