sex and a phone call

...two good things transpired today that were both unplanned.

first thing was an unexpected drop in from my "once-a-month" guy who was passing through and called to stop by.

it wasn't a planned meet for a sexual encounter but when he showed up, i was still in my pjs and when we hugged, my chest pressed against his and the thing material i was wearing, brushed against my nipples and they hardened.

he sat on the couch and i bent down to pick something up and he commented on them...

"someone is turned on i see" he said...and i blushed and rolled my eyes.

he stood up, hugged me again and walked me into the bedroom...

his skin was warm and he moaned as my fingers romaned his body and when he said "take off your pants", i took them off instantly and assumed the position of being on my knees with my ass in the air and legs spread...

he put his hands on my hips and glid his cock head over my slit and then slowly entered me...

as he started fucking me, my thoughts started drifting off to someone else fucking me...someone else being inside of me...and i couldn't help but fantasize about him and had to bite my lip to keep from saying his name.

my skin flushed, my breath quickened and i was taken over and over again by pleasure before collapsing back onto the bed...

he gave me a hug and kiss and was on his way.

...
i swapped pictures with the guy from my ad today....he was not disappointed with the exchange and neither was i. he hopped online for a bit while he was at work and then a phone call transpired.
he told me he only had a few minutes to talk but 40 minutes slipped by so quickly that it seemed only like a few minutes.

"married man" talks a lot about mental matches and me and this guy definitely have that...he reads biographies like me, he likes sushi, and we have a lot of the same passions and are even in the same professional field...

i'm glad he didn't listen to me when i said not to email me if there is distance but definitely not putting all my eggs in one basket yet...
on the phone we had a bit of a vocabulary challenge and i am proud to say that i won :)

ad revived

well i spoke too soon about my ad dying...
the guy i posted about earlier has returned back to email land and we have started corresponding again...
going to do the picture swap today but i'm not too concerned about it since i described myself as a plus-size gal in my ad....so he can't say i didn't warn him...
conversation flows pretty easily and personality wise we seem to click so far...
he mentioned a phone call so we'll see how that goes...

philosophized

...

this quote is on one of my friend's blogs that no longer posts...

"There are times when a man should be content with what he has, but never with what he is." ~ William Jordan Philosopher & writer

...went to his blog just to remember all the posts that used to be there and the conversations we have had over this wonderful journey i refer to as "life"...

i have always struggled with that term "content"...
and use this quote, not to debate his reasons for stopping his blog or his perspective on that quote, but rather on my acceptance of that word in my life.

for some reason i tend to link the words "content" and "settling" together, even though i know they are entirely different...

but i'm sitting here on this monday morning at 10am with ben harper playing in the background and wondering if i should just be content with my "once a month" sexual buddy that i currently have or if i should continue to pursue it...

is there a difference between being content with material possesions and being content in one's personal, emotional life? must we settle in the land of "mediocre"? must we? must i? must we stay with what we know and what we have come to expect and the roles that have been mapped for us, or can we truly never stop searching?

is my heart created to never be satisfied? always wondering what else is out there??

just random thoughts inside rae's brain today...feel free to take a detour from this post if you don't like what you read.

debate

..was having a small debate with one of my co-workers the other night...
we started at the same time and got our 90-day reviews and when he came back from his, i asked him how it went and he said that the bj he gave our boss really helped increase his raise...

i laughed and commented that i was scared to find out our female boss had the proper equipment to receive a bj...

and then we went on to discuss the general term "bj" and how it can cover both men and women...

he said that he and his friends call it a "bj" even if it's the oral version being performed on a woman.

i guess i just always distinguished the "bj" for a male and "eating out" for a woman...

or general terms for both sexes...."going down on someone"

so we went back and forth on this and he came to the conclusion that "you are just a freak"

and well, he's probably right...
but here is the question

am i the only one that distinguishes the two?

"bj"...can it be used as a term describing going down on someone for both genders? or is it male gender specific

dead in the water

...well it looks like my ad may be dead already.
i haven't gotten any more emails from the first guy
and besides a few attempts at random hook-ups, i really haven't gotten any other responses.

i figured this may happens since i was looking pretty specifically for something and since craig's list doesn't offer anything in my city, i had to post in one about an hour or so from me...

so that definitely made my "locatin is important" factor a bit difficult to achieve.

not really wanting to do any sort of paid site and not wanting to compromise my distance factor because that will just open up the "one-night" field which i'm really not interested in.

what's a gal to do???

guy number one

here is a break-down of a "possible" who responded to my ad

location: about an hour and a half from me which could prove to be my sole rejection factor...consistency is key here and that is a bit far for that to happen

personality: a bit sarcastic which i like and said "i do understand that location is an issue to you..but lets not cut this avenue too short just yet"

physical stature: i'll just spit this back out according to his words
a bit about me: i am tall and attractive. ..6ft 3 250..i have jet
black hair with style, i have a full set of lips, nice
tan, great smile and scent too.i take pride in my
apperance. i used to play football when i was in
college. defensive end by the way

...a guy actually bigger than me??? i didn't even ask for that in my ad because i figured i couldn't be so greedy but someone taller and heavier? i lucked out on that one

so 2 out of 3 with this guy

back on the saddle

...way way in the beginning when i started this blog, i was on a quest to find a sexual partner/friend
not so much a heavy duty relationship, but a friendship where i could indulge on the sexual side at least more than once a month (which seems to be my trend)
"married man looking" pointed me towards craig's list and off i went posting ads...
i had a couple bad experiences with that site and decided to give up on my quest and throw in the towel and complain about my pent up sexual tension and drive my toys to the ground
and then two days ago, i decided to go at it again...
partly due to a conversation i had with the "new guy"
partly from reading "married man's" blog
and partly cuz i'm getting tired just sitting and waiting to find what i want and need...
so i placed and ad and have had one nibble so far but hopefully can work out my ad to be mroe characteristic of what i'm really looking for...
my number one focus is that this man will be local, at least close enough where frequency is not a problem...
i'm not looking for a one-night stand or a onece-a-month kind of person...
i have the once-a-month person and one-night-stand i am not...

so, thin skin, toughen up and get ready to face whatever brings you

confessions

playing email tag right now with
the "new guy"
playing out a fantasy of him and me in the bathroom
while he's sitting in a library and i'm sitting in front of my computer, about to take a shower and get ready for work...
he's very creative in his ideas and fantasies and the way he presents them
always a turn on

we had phone sex last night and in the course of that both confided we have gotten laid within the last month...his more sooner than mine.

i didn't tell him or write about it, cuz i thought he may be jealous
and he was doing the same on my behalf...
but alas we have talked about it and it's out in the open
and he is free to romp as i am

so in all that, yes i got laid a few weeks ago now
by a friend of mine who hopefully will turn into my much needed and desired sex buddy...

i knew that i hadn't completely forgotten what sex felt like
but there is just something about that moment when it's been a while
when you feel the pussy stretch open and the shaft slide in
it's amazing...
i feel my eyes roll back and i just let go in that moment...
i sure don't get enough of it

may 22, 1976

at approximately 12:05am on the 22nd of may in the year 1976
a baby girl of 10 pounds and a full head of hair was born to a woman and her husband
and that girl was me...
29 now
not drunk, but reflecting my life these 29 years
and seeing 30 right around the corner
last year at this time i was in the hospital pregnant with my son
my 4th visit of 5 in total
i was in such a different place then
can't believe it's almost a year since he was born
and then soon after that, a year since he died
is life always this surreal?

supposed to do the whole birthday thing with friends tomorrow
and already got into the present my parents sent me
i'm bad at waiting...
and got a few cards

and now it's 12:20am and i'm eating rice and veggies, drinking water, listening to blue grass and celebrating
well
me

vanilla steamer anyone?

...
i worked 2 extra hours wednesday night, which isn't a really big deal...but when it's 8:30am and you've been there since 10pm, it can prove to be a bit frustrating...
i pulled in my drive at about 9:15am, turned off the phone...set my alarm and crashed until 7:30pm where i then got up, took a shower, packed my lunch and headed to work...

at approximately 7:00am today, i decided to not go to sleep but wait until tonight since i am off now for a few days in a row so i decided to take myself out for a treat

i landed at barnes and nobles after a stop for breakfast with friends, and with my vanilla steamer in hand, i browsed the books and people that were gathered early on a friday morning.

as i browsed the biographies (biography freak here), i started thinking about work and how my thoughts scatter all evening as i open up purses, belts, flip flops, and put them all in their perfect place...
sometimes i think about odd things, like why do our manicans have nipples?
other times i think about "sg" and wondering how he's doing...
and then i think of the most absurd things, like i did last night

i have an online friend who i have known for about 6 years now who has a foot fetish along with both dominant and submissive fantasies. for years now we have swapped stories and fantasies trying to get a rise out of the other, but...in that, have never actually had phone sex.
he's really into anal play and has a very submissive streak. has been to a few play parties, and has even gone to a dungeon to be "played" with...and has one of THE biggest imaginations i know of.
he likes me to think up really weird fantasies and scenes of what i would do to him so he can get himself off to it later and though at first i was really reserved, last night for some reason, my thoughts came alive at about 2am with these 2 crazy ideas...
now granted, i thought of these AFTER i thought up the one of putting a crayon up his ass and making him draw with it on a piece of paper
(he loved this by the way)

so last night...or early this morning, i imagined one of those little battery operated fans up his ass, with the blades facing out and spinning around, blowing cool air on his ass

and then i imagined him in the dark with one of those battery candles up his ass and crawling around

i know i know, my job is getting to me

so i'll just sip my steamer

up close and personal

i'm reminded of that scene in a movie where the women look at their vaginas in a hand mirror to be more familiar with their bodies...

growing up, i was very naive and very very unexperienced (until my early 20s actually)...and even when i first started masturbating, i never stuck anything inside me or even knew where my clit was. i just knew that if i rubbed that area over and over again...like was grinding over a pillow or blanket or towel, that i would feel this amazing sensation that would over-take me...
and to that feeling, i became addicted

the more i have allowed myself to embrace that feeling, the more i have gotten comfortable with my body...
a few years ago, i never would have showed myself on cam or done phone sex like i do now...
and though i have seen myself on cam, i never really looked closely until a few days ago.
i took some close-up pics of my clit and hole to see what it looked like....
had never seen the hole....dark pink and shiny
the folds of skin hiding my clit...
even took a close one of my nipples...wanted to see how dark they were and the little bumps...i never really realized how large the outside part was....bigger than a half dollar...big
and the nipple itself...kinda square on top and longer when hard

it's been interesting getting to know my body

had never been able to get myself off with just my fingers on my clit until last week....
i was phoning with him...with the new guy (who isn't so new anymore) and something about it...maybe i was just really wound up but i kept rubbing two fingers in circles over my clit
over and over and over and i started feeling it build and build and build
and i remember closing my eyes and thinking "holy shit i'm getting off"
and i did
and i did hard

clumsy part two

...
monday, may 2, 2005

after a restless sleep on the couch for saturday and sunday, i was crabby and sick and exhausted and finally decided to do something about the broken mess in my room

i called my best friend

"hey rae, what's up"
"i'm afraid i'm not in the best of moods today so be gentle"
"now come on, you know i always have to give you a hard time...what's going on?"
"i had a visitor on saturday"
"oh geez...let me guess....it was him, wasn't it"
"yes, it was him.....he-"
"i can't believe you let that asshole in your apartment, how many times do i have to tell you that he-"
"listen, my door was open, i was trying to cool off, i didn't invite him in, i-"
"so what did the bastard do this time"
"well, he sorta broke something"
"broke something? what the hell did he break?"
"my bed"
"your bed?! you FUCKED HIM? that bastard is never gonna know to leave you alone if you-"
"no no no i didn't fuck him...he jumped on it trying to be a goofball and broke it"
"and i'm sure he fixed it right"
"well....you know he didn't"
"exactly. that son of a bitch has done nothing but screw you over since you met him-"
"i know i know.... can you help me?"
"yeah, i'll be over"

he came over and a few nails and loud hammerings later, my bed was back up and back to normal, or at least i thought...
told me he needed to get some new wood screws to really fix it but this should temporarily do the trick...
"thanks bry, i really appreciate it...sorry about all this"
"it's ok...it's not your fault, sorry i blew up at you. you just deserve better"
"i know i know"
"DO YOU?!"

i left for a final, came back and havd a wonderful night of sleep

no time outs for clumsy

part 1


on saturday i was still in the "fever" part of my temporary ailment
and the day found me with my windows open, my door open and the fan on me while i laid on my bed trying to cool off...
i heard a knock on the door and figured it was one of my many "pop-in" friends that don't call before stopping by...
i squeaked out "who is it?" and didn't hear anything but the door open...
then i heard his voice
it was my ex
he walked towards the back of my apartment as i was questioning his presense
and he just shook it off, saying he wanted to stop by
hmmmm wanted to stop by, yeah right....
anyhow, i digress
as he turned the corner and saw me laying on my bed (dressed, thank you)
he decided to take a flying leap and land on my 50 some year old bed frame
and as his 6'2 300 pound frame landed on the bed, i was overcome with a loud cracking noise as it fell to the ground at an angle and my body was tossed onto the floor.
as i wiped the sweat from my brow, he jumped up in dismay that he could have broken my bed...
he hastily got up and said he'd run home and get some stuff to fix it...
too sick to be angry, i grabbed a pillow and made my way to the couch and plopped there as "the incredibles" played in the background
i woke up to my cell ringing...it was almost 2 hours later
"hey, i want you to know i haven't forgotten about you...i've got my boys here and we are gonna run to my dad's cuz i didn't have stuff at my house i promise i'll take care of it, we'll be over in a bit"
i got up and tried to straighten up my apartment as best as possible and made some koolaid for the boys...
i laid back down on the couch and fell asleep again
2 hours later my phone rang again
"hey...are you working tonight?"
"yeah i am", i said....
"when are you leaving?"
"in about an hour, have to be there at 10pm"
"well, tell you what....you want to leave a key for me?"
"not particularly"
"ok ok....how about i come by tomorrow morning after you get off work, before i go back to chicago and i'll fix your bed so you have a place to sleep....."
"ok....listen i really -"
"i know io know...i promise i'll fix it"
"ok"

i pulled onto my street about 7am sunday morning
exhausted
sick
and all i wanted was to crawl into my bed

i waited on my couch
and waited
7:30
8:00
8:30
i called his phone
voice mail
"hey it's me..just wondering when u are coming over"
i laid down on the couch
woke up at 11am
checked my phone
no missed calls
i called him again
voice mail
"ummm are you just gonna blow me off?"
12pm
1pm
2pm
nothing

it is now thursday afternoon as i'm writing this and i STILL haven't heard from him
i got up, got a glass of water and made my little nest on my couch
"typical" i said to myself
"just typical"
and i quickly remembered why he is my "ex"

how do i look?

i have struggled with my weight since i was a kid...
i'm a 6'1 female and the frame of my body is just large
added with the extra pounds i have been carrying around with me for most of my life.

i have done the diet thing on and off for many many years but since january i have really been going hard core with it and have lost 25 pounds so far. maybe not incredible, but a start...

generally i'm feeling lots better and its getting a lot easier now to read lables and get over those cravings. i get quite a work out at my job, lifting and walking and such but eventually will concentrate more on the toning aspect.

i have struggled with self-esteem and body issues for most of my life but for the most part am a pretty confident person and am very up-front about my plus-size virtue.

i used to get really down about certain bloggers who talked about weight being such an issue...i always took it so personally and as though i was somehow defected. i understand that it comes down to personal choice and sexability...there are men i am attracted to and men i'm not attracted to. it just becomes an issue to me when it's so focused on. even if i lose all my extra weight, i'm still gonna be a big gal and sometimes fear i'll never feel completely comfortable in my own skin....

but those are issues within myself that i must work on.

but for now i am happy on my quest to becoming a healthier me....

pointers

to the commenter:

the one thing i reccomend is that you make it as natural as possible. just sort of let it flow into conversation...if you are horny and she is horny, it should develop naturally. there are several ways in which it can pan out. you can talk about a fantasy...describing in detail what you would want to do to her (that's one of my faves) or you could say what u are doing to yourself (i'm stroking my cock for you) things like that...it's important (in my opinion) to be descriptive....don't just say things like "i'm gonna fuck you"...describe how, where....little details that help her imagine it.
for example

i want to bend you over the bed, sweep the hair from your neck and gently guide my fingers down ur spine and then glide them over your soft ass cheeks as i gently separate them. i wanna take the head of my cock and glide it up and down your pussy lips, getting it all slick and shiny from your juice. i want to put my hands on your nipples and squeeze them as the head of my cock disappears into your pussy hole...so slowly, just the head at first. you can feel it stretching and growing inside of you. i lean forward and it gets swallowed up by you....

just as a starting example

or you could describe yourself eating her out...how you are licking her, where you are licking her, how she tastes.

you may also get a positive reaction with talking dirty to her. see how she responds to you telling her how bad you want her, how bad you want to fuck her...try using words like making her your little slut, and see how she responds...some girls like things like that.

i've had phone conversations where just the guy talks and i respond with moans and little comments and i've had conversations where i did the talking and described to him how i would give him a bj...and i've had conversations where we traded off....

i have found it's best to just start things and see where it flows and the more comfortable you get with it, the more adventerous you can get with your fantasies and language....

does that help?

down and out

have been sick with some sort of bronchial mess for the last week
got it from my parents when i visited them
not good timing
in the middle of working extra shifts
and finals

has wiped me out and made me incognito for a bit
starting to get some strength back....

send orange juice