a list

...
in the past, i have done a list of 100 random things about me...
this time, i have decided to do a list of sexual sorts...don't think i'll make it to 100 but here is a list of random sexual tidbits about me

1. i love kissing
2. i have a love/hate relationship with hickies
3. i love being bitten and scratched
4. spanking is a turn on to me
5. i love phone sex
6. i have been fingered in a movie theatre
7. i have broken several vibes
8. i should have stock in batteries
9. i prefer energizer over duracell
10. i have not had a threesome
11. i have never kissed a girl
12. i have cybered with a woman from spain
13. i can get off with just having my nipples played with
14. i have actually squirted on a guy's face
15. i have never hooked up with someone who reads my blog
16. i have met up with someone i have met online
17. i have been fucked with a frozen banana
18. i can cum repeatedly if turned on enough
19. i love dirty talk
20. i am very vocal
21. i have had phone sex while using an ice cube in my pussy
22. i have had wax poured on my back
23. i have been handcuffed
24. i have been blindfolded
25. i have had general kitchen utensils used in my pussy
26. i own 3 porno movies
27. i enjoy anal from time to time
28. i own a pair of anal beads
29. "size" really is not an issue to me
30. i tend to graviate towards older men
31. i love the smell of cologne on a guy
32. i give great massages
33. i have rimmed a guy (and he loved it)
34. i have been told i give bjs like a porn star
35. yes, i swallow
36. i have gotten myself off in my car before
37. i have performed road head
38. being kissed on my neck is my weak spot


ok 38 is all i could think of at this moment....was grasping straws to try and get to 40 but alas, i give up at this point....

and that concludes my random sexual list

a letter

...
dear " "

i got home from work at 6:30 this morning, took the phone into the bahtroom with me just incase you called and took a long shower. i shaved my legs and my little kitty the whole time with butterflies in my stomach.

when i got out of the shower, i was careful to put on lotion that didn't smell like perfume and was quick to dry my hair and put on makeup.

for clothes i decided once again to wear jeans with no panties and a tank with no bra underneath. i wanted to be prepared, just incase...and i though we'd both be hoping for a "just in case"

i finished getting ready and with no call yet, decided to lay down on my couch and wait...

this time, i'd be ready, this time, we'd meet in time, this time i'd finally meet you...this time all of our phone conversations would become real...and this time, i would have met someone who read my blog.

my phone rang and when i answered, the butterflies returned but instead it was not you, it was a friend of mine wanting to know what i was planning to do with my day

"i'm gonna catch on sleep today, since i have to work tonight", i said...he did not know of my plans. the conversation ended, and i layed back down once again waiting for your call.

in the email you sent me last it said "i will call you when i am about 2 hours from our spot and it will be anywhwere from 9-12" so even though it was now 9am, i was still not worried...

i closed my eyes on the couch and that was it.
asleep

i woke up again at 2pm
no phone call to speak of
no email

i got up, got a glass of water, put my pajamas back on and crawled back into bed to sleep a bit more.

i guess it's not meant to be, this meeting of ours...i guess it's time to let go.
not even an explanation of what occurred
but at least you gave me butterflies
and i haven't felt that in a long time

thanks for that,

rae

my life according to sex and the city

...
sex in the city is playing in the background. had a conversation with my best friend about this show. he, being a guy, hates it.... (like most men i know), but i am getting quite hooked on it and the sexual banter is quite enjoyable to me.
so with that i'll continue...

first off, thanks to all the commenters who gave me sympathies about my son. i really appreciate the condolences...

am leaving for work in about 15 minutes. got out of the shower, put on a towel and was picking up laundry and random cups around the apartment when i saw it sitting on my nightstand....the golden wrapper with the words written on it "magnum"

in my life, i have been with two men who have needed the larger sized condom....the golden wrapper (is that supposed to be like a golden ticket or something? hmmmm i never thought of that)

anyhow i digress

"hd" was the first and now "j"
yes, "j" is a big man...in more ways than one.

i'm not going to go into a whole thing on whether or not size matters but i will say that "j" knows how to use what has been given him and yes

we hooked up last night

around 12:30 this morning, he sent me an offline message telling me he was needy so after a quick scamper to the bathroom to brush my teeth and trim up the kitty, he was here in my apartment once again.

we started off with the traditional bj and as he started pulling me ontop of him i went with it...the wrapper got torn open, the condom slipped on and i was back on top riding him. that was the first time for me being on top with "j"

i must confess that i have never felt truly comfortable in that position becuase i am a larger girl...so i have never really been able to just let go. but with him it was easier. since he is a bigger guy, my legs fit nicely on either side and i was able to just close my eyes and let it happen....

after a bit of that we ended up in the traditional doggy style where i then collapsed and he soon after, ontop of me...

and then tongight, picking up my place, i saw the wrapper, tossed it in the trash can, and smiled

inventory

i have a few new readers now and decided it was time again to put a sort of collection together of who i am and tidbits about me and some answers to some questions that have been asked of me lately... now is the time to introduce and re-introduce my readers, to me...

so come in, take a seat and enjoy...

ok who am i?

my name is rae and i'm a 29 year old female that lives in the midwest...illinois to be exact. i am a graduate student who is taking a break at the moment but hopes to graduate in the field of substance abuse counseling by next may. i live in a cute little apartment and for the first time in my 29 years of living, do not have a roomate to speak of...

how do i make a living?

i am working fulltime as a overnight supervisor at a "department store" and am in charge of a crew of workers that either put out merchandise or set the store for sales. i can wear my pajamas if i want to and have no customers i have to deal with. it's a perfect match for me at this time in my life...the hours are a bit rough though. i come home around 7am...hence my usual early morning posts on here.

who is the cast of characters in this blog?

i won't be able to remember every guy i have mentioned in here but for the most part there are the following characters

"new guy" is a reader of mine who i started emailing and then talking to on the phone. he lives in texas, so the possibility of a hookup is pretty near impossible but he has become a dear friend of mine and is a very frequent phone sex partner of mine.

"j" is the current guy i've been seeing. we are not dating but purely in a sexual relationship. he lives in my city and is around my age and right now things are on a bit of a hiatus due to his current personal situation...no he is not married but is still in a rather complicated relationship.

"chicago hook up" is also a reader of mine. we have made two attempts at meeting now but hopefully will be able to make it a reality soon. he will be the first reader (and probably last) that i have hooked up with.

"hd" is one of my ex's ( i know it sounds like i've had 50)...he's the one i loaned a bunch of money out to try and help his situation with his kids and have thus put myself in financial jeopardy. we started off as friends and then started dating then started working together and then stopped dating to have our relationship turn into a messed up sexual one. i have not heard from him in a couple months now.

i have yet to name my other friend that lives in town. we hook up on occassion but have never dated. he has sex with me and then i don't hear from him for a couple months or so. before "j"...he was the one that was somewhat fulfilling my sexual needs.

"ll" was my last long-term lover before "j"...he was an older man (43 to be exact) and THE best lover i have ever had. he would stay the night with me afterwards, sometimes surprise me with different fantasies i had and knew how to make me laugh. i still fantasize and think about him although i have not had sex with him in over a year now. the last time i saw him was the night of my son's funeral last september. i met him at a gas station parking lot and he gave me a hug and i cried.

you had a son?

yes i did...last june i had a baby boy. i had him by an emergency c and he was 1 pound when he was born. he lived at the hospital until september where he died from pnemonia. i named him after my grandfather, my father, and my brother...3 men i will always look up to.

am i still in contact with the father?

i am no longer in contact with him...we were together and to be married when i got pregnant. we lived in different states and i visited him often but the relationship ended in the second month of my pregnancy when things started getting complicated. i was in the hospital when he broke up with me...the last thing i heard from him was "i can't take this shit anymore" i had his rights terminated before giving birth.

when was your first sexual experience?

you may be surprised....i won't give the exact age but i was in my 20s. i grew up in a very christian, strict household and stayed that way until i moved out on my own. but even though it may look differently, my "count" just went onto my second hand recently. so i'm not a prude but wouldn't call myself a "slut" at least not yet ;-)

ok i've got more to write but i think i'll save it for another post so this doesn't keep going on and on....

any readers have some other or specific questions they'd like me to answer?
feel free to ask

stay tuned for part two of my inventory

a quickie

...no i'm afraid it's not that kind of quickie...
but always nice to dream

just a quick post before heading out the door to go to work.

i decided to respond to the comment about the threesome on here...

as far as bringing up a threesome with your wife goes. that is a pretty tricky situation. if she has never talked about it, and never hinted at the idea of being interested in that, i would be hesitant on bringing that up. i do not know how your relationship is with your wife but a lot of women can be turned off by that fact and then can start questioning whether or not they alone are sexually satisfying to their guy.

i personally have decided that if i do this, i will do it while i'm not committed to a man because i think i personally would have issues after the fact with the man i was committed to. but that's just me....

if you still want to bring it up to her, i'd suggest just tossing the idea out generally and see how she responds. do you two ever watch porn together? if so....how does she respond to threesomes? does she seem into it? turned off? if you haven't watched porn together...that may be something to try. that can be fun if the gal is into it.

i don't have any solid advice to give to you...like i said, it's a tricky situation.

now that this whole threesome has started for me, i want to be actively involved in picking the girl too so if you do get to that point of actually planning it, make sure you allow her to participate in setting it up as much as she'd like to...you definitely want to try and include her in this process....

but i'm not sure how good of an advice giver i am......

let me know if you have more specific questions....

explanations

...
yesterday i was going through my blog and seeing if there were any comments i missed and came accross one from "chicago hookup" and a response from "new guy"
although the comments were not directed towards me, they still made me feel rather awkward and in a bit of an uncomfortable position.

now in "new guys" deffense...the comment he left about guys having to have his permission before playing with me was more of a joke than anything else. i have had online friendships in the past that have gotten weird ("sg" for one) and to try and keep that from happening again, "new guy" and i have this deal where we are always open with each other...he knows who i sleep with and i know who he sleeps with...it keeps things open and no secrets allow things to stay fun and simple and feelings don't get hurt...in reality, he knows i'm a grown woman and can be with whom i choose...the comment was not meant to be taken seriously but more in jest...

but in defense of the "chicago hookup" i can see where he was coming from and can't deny that his coming to my defense made me feel special and that he was looking out for my best interest.

so i hope that clears the air a bit and that there will be no more "comment wars" in the future...i love all my comments and appreciate them all but it was not intended to be a place for commenters to vent...unless they are venting about something i specifically wrote....that ofcourse is welcomed.

i tease "new guy" a lot about all the crushes he has...he is totally girl crazy, but i must admit i am quite guy crazy myself...

"chicago hookup" is one of the guys i have a crush on and a man i would love to hook up with...we had a planned meeting a few weeks ago but it fell through because on my way to chicago, i had a rather horrible trip with traffic jams and hotel mixups and was more than 3 hours late without a cellphone to reach him. he showed up at our designated place with me nowhere to be found and it sucked...not just because we were unable to meet, but because he went out of his way to meet me.

i know we were both really looking forward to it. he and i have been in contact for quite a while now...and in fact i was talking to him even before "new guy" came into the picture.

there is somsething about him that i am so attracted to...so sensual and hungry. it is such a turn on. i emailed him today and i hope he knows i really want to hookup still...i have a list of men i want to hook up with (is that horrible?) and he is there...high on the list and he knows it...

chicago hookup...please tell me it can be arranged somehow

to 3 or not to 3

...
so that is the question right now, "to 3 or not to 3"

"j" came on last night and brought up the 3some idea again...has a willing partner and wants to know if i am interested.

i must say i am a bit interested but also hesitant. it's something that i've talked about doing for a while now but now that the situation has actually presented itself, i'm not sure how ready i am to actually go through with it.

has anyone out there done that? and how has it gone? any regrets?

part of me thinks i should just go through with it...i mean "j" and i aren't dating so it's not like there will be any weird strings or feelings afterwards and i'd be concerned of some confusion afterwards if i was in a serious relationship with the person...

so maybe this is the best time?

reflecting

...
i hope that he does not mind this, but "twisted" left a comment for me on his blog and it's made me reflect on things...

i figure since the comment was to me that it would be ok to post it here.

"I have had times in my life when i was getting it all the time and was still not satisfied. I dont think your looking for sex, i think your looking for sex with someone that loves you.
Just my opinion."

...i'm not sure how i feel about that comment. at this point in my life i'm not ready to be in love with someone and am not wanting to be in love with someone...not trying to be defensive or disregard what he has said but in the last year i have lost a love and a son and the concept of love is definitely not on my top list of desires at this time. i understand what he was saying but i think the "unsatisfied urges" i have aren't necessarily about love or at this point in my life not loving anyone...but simply about having a very high sex drive...
even when i was with my ex...i still felt like i could never get enough, but not in a bad way...not like i was some nympho looking for my next fix but simply just always wanting it...

reading too much into it? maybe
a bit defensive? maybe that too...

but for now i'll just enjoy getting it and waiting for the next time

back in the picture?

...
a while back, i talked about a "friend" of mine who i hooked up with occassionally and that i was looking for someone more consistent so i was putting him on the back burner for a while...maybe permanently.
the other day he came online and we started chatting and he kept telling me he viewed me as his girlfriend but wasn't wanting anything serious but he loved me...and on and on he went, but the thing that was strange to me is that he would come over here and then not talk to me, not for a day or two but for weeks or even a couple months, and then call me and want to plop back into the picture. i just don't operate that way and told him that. i'm not looking for a serious relationship, but don't treat me like some object to get yourself off on...
so i ended things with him once and for all with a bit of attitude on the side from him.

then yesterday my ex contacted me with this plee of getting back together again. he's the one who's engagement ring still sits in a box on my shelf. if he would have said this to me even three months ago, i probably would have given it serious thought, but i'm a single gal and enjoying it now and not looking to be involved with anyone in that manner i was with him...at least not for a while.

it's so strange that when you are ready to let go, the past seems to creep back in...or at least try to.

"j" contacted me through an offline message on possibly hooking up tonight or tomorrow since i'm off work two nights in a row now...should i accept? i'm not sure...but damn the sex is hot and it temporarily feeds my craving...

and thanks for the lovely comments lately!!!
"new guy" you are the bestest

and mister new commenter "twisted" ...i'm not sure if the guys in my life are lucky or not but pleasing a man is definitely top on my list...

and please sign me up for getting pleased as well...an extra helping too

i must confess

...am watching the animal planet channel and i don't know his name but they guy that helps people regain control of their pets is on there and i must confess i think he's totally hot...
everytime i see him on tv i go into "fantasy mode"
and actually...he reminds me of "sg"
i was so attracted to "sg"
i remember sitting at my desk late at night and watching him on cam...he'd just be sitting at his desk, in the dark, with his hands on his face and it would make me so hot...
i wanted him so bad...still do actually.
so even though i no longer talk to "sg" at least i have this animal planet guy to help me still fantasize about him...

is it wrong to still fantasize about someone who no longer wants you?

and his voice? the thought still gives me chills....

warm wet steel

...my vibrator is sitting on my bed right now
it's still warm to the touh, as i just got myself off nice and good...
there is just something about feeling that cold steel enter me and then feel it get warmer and warmer to the touch with every thrust...
and now it sits there, warm still and shiny from the aftermath of my wet pussy...

worked last night and got off earlier than usual and after i send this post, will be going to sleep to get some much desired rest.

gwen stefani is playing in the background.

i saw "j" the other night again...made him dinner and then once again we ended up in my bedroom. seems to be a pattern with us. i'm still not sure if it's a good idea for me to keep seeing him, especially with the current situation which i have not elaborated on and probably won't...but "new guy" knows what's going on.
any advice mister new guy? :)

he attempted to arrange a threesome last night. i know...almost every guy's fantasy right? and i didn't allow it to happen. it's not that i don't think about it or would never let it happen but he sprung it on me without even discussing it and without me even knowing the girl and i just didn't feel prepared for that. i think in order for me to do the threesome, i'd have to be in a comitted relationship and not just fucking around with someone.

"j" is definitely not relationship material for several reasons and i know our relationship is purely sexual, mixed in with a bit of friendly exchange, but mostly sexual...

i had phone sex again with "new guy" on saturday...and ofcourse it was amazing once again. this time he had me play in the shower. he had me get in the bathroom, turn the shower on and put the phone next to it...then after lathering myself up, he had me play with my ass and then just cum as i felt it...i couldn't tell if he could hear me lear enough but afterwards when i picked the phone back up, he said he heard me loud and clear and it was amazing. i was glad he enjoyed that as much as i did.

although i did have sex sunday, i'm craving it again and torn on if i should attempt to hook up with "j" again or once again use that warm wet steel

updates and some ketchup

...just plopped myself down to do some updating on here and as i took a bite of my meatless burger, a nice glop of ketchup decided to land on my laptop...
hence the title "updates and some ketchup"

let the updates begin...

i emailed "sg" a quick email the other day just to let him know i was thinking of him and hoping he was well...no response from him, and not even sure if he read the email or not. i know longer have the "i totally fucked up" attitutde, but it always sucks when a friendship ends.

i did email the chicago hookup that never happened and although i know he's not mad about it, i still have the feeling he thinks i blew him off on purpose. my trip to chicago was a lot of fun but the trip down left a lot to be desired.

i had phone sex with "new guy" the other night...we have a planned meeting to talk tonight but we'll see what happens. i think we both wish...well i know we both wish we lived closer to each other because there is a friendship there beyond just the phone sex (although i definitely have no complaints on that).

i saw "j" before i went to work on monday. i have a gut feeling though that monday night will be our last time. he gave me some information i was unaware of which made me question if our meetings was a good idea or not and my hesitation turned him off and i haven't heard from him since. but i must say that the sex was amazing...and

i posted months back how i had a very difficult time with anal and was never able to get a guy fully in me...and "j" succeeded at that, and not because he was small either...but because i have been training my ass with my toys and becuase he had me lay flat down on my stomach and was very slow and patient and entered that way. so my "ass cherry" has been popped now.

but alas, i think it's over once again and i'm back to the drawing board on what i should do next.

i really didn't have much success with my ad.

is there nobody that lives in my city that wants a fuck buddy???

goodness me

splints and a first aid kit

it's 4am and i'm still awake
i've been attempting to go to sleep for the last 4 hours to no avail...
tossing and turning on my couch playing and replaying negative thoughts ranging from the lack of money always hanging over my head to all the faulty relationships i've had in the past...

one by one i was sorting through the men who have been in my pants, my bed, my heart...one by one i was arranging them in some sort of twisted order of who hurt me the most...

i bounced through my baby's father and the memory of meeting his parents, the memories of sitting on the floor infront of him watching tv while he rubbed my shoulders and scratched my back..and the memory of him hanging up on me telling me he couldn't take it anymore...it has been over a year since i've spoken to him.

and then the man who i loaned out money that i didn't have in order to help him, to never see the money again and put myself in financial jeopardy....

and who could forget the most recent...the one who's pillow case i still sleep with...the one who's engagement ring still sits in a little box in my room...the one who i stupidly called an hour ago looking for some sort of comfort, only to hear "i can't talk right now"

through the tears and tossing and turning, i happened accross "the brady bunch" as i was switching channels and they were talking about alice and her broken heart and bobby said "i'm afraid even splints and a first aid kit couldn't fix that"

and it brought a smile onto my face

sometimes i feel like a big 'ol mess....i choose the wrong guys, i let the choices of others and the path of life hurt me so much. so this time i was on a quest to find a fuck buddy...to find someone with no strings, find someone i knew there could never be a future with...someone i could detach myself from and just feed my carnal desires and now that i found him, i see even that plan that i thought was flawless has glitches in it...even with that, i am not satisfied, and even with that comes problems

is it the men i choose? is it me? a combination of the two?

i love reading "married man's" drunken posts because he opens himself up to be vulnerable. i am not drunk but i feel at that state mentally.
i'm clinging to a pillow case belonging to a man who's engagement ring sits in a dusty box in an abandoned drawer while "splints and a first aid kit" stream through my thoughts...

layers and layers of broken hearts from men who really never gave a shit about me...and each broken heart pushing me into what seem like similar choices.

so i sit here now at 4am in a standstill of knowing where to go, who to talk to, what to do and all i know to do is hang on...

i'll probalby delete this post tomorrow once i realize just how naked this post really is and just how much it has exposed me...

i must say that all the relationships in my life are not bad and there are a few men in my life who have given me that glimmer of hope....

a certain person in chicago who has brought a smile to my face on more than one occassion and even though a planned meeting fell through, he also reminds me to find good and comfort in the little things even when splints and first aid kits can't help.

and then there is the "new guy"... he and i will probably never meet face to face but we have formed a strong friendship and hearing his voice and reading his words always brings comfort and a smile to my face.

and also the readers who sometimes stop by to see what's going on in my life and heart and even drop a few lines in a comment from time to time
or an email, to let me know they are still around...

it is those things that help me move on, hang on...

confirmed

...well it did happen that monday night
"new guy" said it would be sunday....but no....
the plan was for him to come over for pizza
and to watch a movie
so i picked him up on my way to get pizza and we pulled up to my place
the drive was pretty relaxed..just light conversation and he would lean in from time to time and touch my hair.
however, as soon as i walked in to the apartment and locked the door behind us, he walked up to me, put his arms around my waist and started kissing me...
kissing on my neck
my chin and lips
a hand wandered down my shirt underneath
on top of my bra
underneath it
an errect nipple
and then the other
hand dragged down stomach
to jeans....
unbutton, unzip
off
hands roaming over panties
slipped under
pulled down
and in a moment
inside me
deep inside
the pizza got set on the counter
i stepped out of my jeans and panties and left them on the kitchen floor
we walked to my room
me in front and him behind
hands still on my nipples
walking me to my bed
i layed down and he ontop
lots of teasing
kising nibbling biting
fingers back inside
fingers on clit
moaning groaning
me
cumming
cumming
cumming
fingers up to mouth
sucked clean
him looking at me
me looking at him
knowing it was time
leaned over bed
opened drawer
condom opened
condom slipped on
me on back
him on top
feeling it slide in
so amazing
deeper
tight
hard
so hard
bite marks on my nipples and neck
pulling my hair
pushing into me as he came
collapsed onto bed
pounding hearts

amazing