exhausted

well
i give up.......
once again i thought maybe
once again i believed
once again i was stupid
unbelieveably stupid
once again

so this is it
no more secrets
no more entries

i'll still be around in email form for those of you who are interested
or phone_loving_rae76 on yahoo

the end

why i should turn lesbian

story of my life...

Rae
I think you need to decide what is important to you. I dont think i am what you need in your life right now. I know we have made plans, but i am not sure i can hold up my end of the bargin.
I love the things we talk about, and i love you. But i dont think i would be faithful to you. I know you need some stability in your life.
I also think you need excitement, i think you need to explore eveything life has to offer. I dont think i can offer those things to you. I am just an old man that has big dreams and have never been able to deliver on them

I have never lied to you, and i never will. I can be what ever you need, but i dont think i am what you really want. You need someone that will be true to you, and will love you with all his heart. I will try not to call you anymore and i will make it a point not to call you anymore this week.
I dont think it is fair of me to try and make long range plans for us. I really do love and care about you, but i cant go on hurting you.

I love you and just want you to be happy. I dont think you could be happy with me.
I am very sorry that i got you involved in my life and i hope you find happiness.

nursing a migrane

....
i have been blessed with many medical complications/wonders in my life and one of those things is having migranes. sometimes they pass pretty quickly and other times i have found myself getting sick in a plastic bag in the drugstore waiting to get my perscription refilled.
i've been dealing with them for several years now and i must say they are my least favorite of the medical mumbo jumbo.
i'm sitting here now at 5:30am and although the migrane is mellowing out, i still feel sick to my stomach and laying down just makes it worse. so instead, i sit here in the dark with a very low glow from my laptop monitor.
my landlord called me yesterday to let me know i could start moving now. he and i have been in this back and forth change of the moving schedule and it was on off on off and then "ok you can move now".....so i feel like i'm once again having to drop everything to accomodate his schedule. but hey, i'm his tenant and i'm moving into his other property now so i feel like i have to follow along with what he wants.

in the personal aspect of my life, i have decided to cool it for a while.......sexually that is. i came upon this conclusion yesterday afternoon when a post that i wrote ended up hurting someone i care a lot about.....and as i started reflecting on my behaviors, i started feeling way more permiscuous (i have no idea how to spell that and i don't care) then i ever have been.
sexually i was a very late bloomer and maybe now i've just let it all get a bit out of hand but need to put myself in check a bit and slow things down.....
i did put an add on adult friend finder to try and find my "casual sex partner" once again but i think i'll be pulling that ad now......i did get an interesting response from a local guy in town so i may continue corresponding with him to see if a friendship could be there.....so we'll see
but until then, i am putting myself in time-out

working on a post

....
working on a post... a flashback.... but just wanted to put a quick word out there so he didn't think i forgot.....
i received the best oral i have ever had so there is no way i'll ever forget that....
i think he feels i really didn't enjoy myself or i don't want to meet up again....which is not the case at all...so i wanted to make sure first and foremost, before i go into details...that he knows i had an amazing time and want to meet up again
soon

please

butterflies

...
i'm sitting here looking at my hand and i see the faded star stamp and it makes me smile.
friday "chicago hookup" called me and in a totally unplanned fluke moment, we decided to meet up. i had the night off...and he'd be able to passy by through a city not too far from me. this was our third attempt to meet, so i wasn't banking on it, but the butterflies were still there.....i took a shower, picked out what i would wear and sprayed a bit of perfume (not too much)....a couple phone calls from him and i was on my way.

i hopped in my car and sang loudly to the radio on the way there feeling the butterflies grow stronger and stronger. i drove into the city, called him and found he was only a few minutes away. i sat in my car for just a few seconds, looked over...and there he was.

he told me later i had this look on my face like "holy crap he's really here"

we got out of our cars and hugged....his embrace melted all my nerves (well almost) and he smelled so good.....

we got in his car and drove to a bar and flirted as we walked inside....
he ordered a vodka tonic for me (he remembered what i drank) and he had some nasty mix called a long island iced tea (bleck)...but ofcourse he said my drink tasted like medicine....

but i digress.

the bar was dark and crowded and loud.....a dj had a little booth and was playing music and there were sunken tvs throughout the place. we found a booth and squished in close together. in order to hear each other, we had to talk almost directly into the other's ear...so each time i leaned in, i smelled him .....i just wanted to reach out and kiss him at that very moment but i was still a bit nervous and trying to get comfortable.

we flirted a bit more... a touch here a touch there ...faces really close together. i thought the first kiss was going to happen a few times but he kept teasing me.....telling me i was pulling away... when he was clearly being a tease.... :)

at one point our noses were almost touching and i closed my eyes and finally felt his lips touch mine. as far as first kisses go, that one was for the record books. it was perfect...

i have had some kisses where it just didn't seem to work ...i mean they were ok but somehow always seemed a bit off.....but our lips and tongues worked well together and when i felt his tongue in my mouth for the first time, the butterflies jumped in my stomach and i could feel myself starting to get wet...and more and more as the kissing progressed.
his tongue was nice and think and his lips soft and plump....the perfect kissing combination.

we kissed some more.....unaware of the people passing us in the club....kisses on the lips, a lick to his ear...kisses on the cheek and nose and i leaned in and told him how wet i was getting and how bad i wanted him... he looked at me and said "lets get out of here"

i put my half-empty drink down on the table and scooted out the booth......

we walked out of the bar and accross the street and i saw a hidden doorway and thought to myself "that would be a fun place to make out" and before i could even open my mouth, he pointed to the door and said "that's a good make out spot" i smiled and stepped up into the doorway and put my back into the corner and he faced me with his back to the alley......and there we stood and kissed and touched for a very long time. we kissed and tasted and touched each other and continued even as people passed by us. i was so wrapped up in the moment that i didn't even care.

i have no idea how much time passed until we stepped down and started walking more....only to go to another secluded area to have it begin again.

this time there was more touching......a touch under my shirt, a lick and nibble on my nipples and there i stood in a dark empty parking lot....cumming and cumming.....
he slipped a finger in my pants and felt just how wet i was.....i could feel it running down my legs....and with a touch over his shorts, i felt just how hard he was.

more time passed and we walked to his car and drove so i could use the restroom and then went back in his car to end up at a park.

after waiting for some kids to leave, we ended up on the wet grass kissing and touching and there finally his tongue found my clit and within a few seconds i came once more.

it was then his turn and i rolled him on his back and put his cock in my mouth......
we had phone several times in the past so i knew what he sounded like when he came, but this was the first time i could feel him, taste him, and hear him in perrson.......he came in my mouth and then we both layed there on the wet grass and kissed a bit more after we caught our breath finally.....

we got up got back in his car and drove to mine..... we kissed goodbye and i got in my car and on my way......

there was no fucking but that was the best make-out session i have ever had.......
it was like 2 hours of pure foreplay
maybe even more.......

ex-talk and an explanation

....
the last actual relationship i was in was with a guy named seth.....he was by far the best boyfriend i ever had and i fell for him and fell for him hard. he is the one that got me my ansal adams print and i have very many fond memories with him. i also remember, however, the day he broke up with me and how shattered i was. i was devistated. i remember one night before he broke up with me, we were standing in his apartment and he was goofing off as usual and i said something to make him laugh and he looked at me straight in the face and said "i love you so much".... i'll never forget that feeling i had when he said that.
i remember him telling me that it wasn't me but all the craziness in his life and his depression and he felt he couldn't be with anyone. at first he told me it was tempmorary but ended up being permanent.
that break up....i lost myself. it made me question myself and what i did wrong and i got lost in all that and vowed i'd never let myself back into that place. i really have never allowed myself to fall for someone since him.
we remain well companions i guess... we talk now and then. he called me today. had been several months since i've spoken with him. ..and he casually told me about his new girlfriend and even after all this time, i felt my heart sink and immediately wanted to say "so it wasn't me was it....." but i know it no longer matters.
so now i'm on this whole "no strings" quest and wonder if i'll ever come to that point again when that barrier is down ...at least a little.
i've had a few devistating losses in my life.....an engagement, a son and him......
not so much in that order.
but talking to him today just made me remember all of that and made me remember that feeling of vulnerability. the thought of being with someone scares me to death but the thought of never being able to love at that level again scares me even more...


ok enough of that vulnerable garbage

am i real?

...yes i am
and believe it or not, there is more to me than just the sexual aspect....
even though that seems to seep out more than not
so once again here is a list........
will try and keep it non-sexual but i'm sure some tidbits will slip out.......
but here is a bit of me
a bit of rae

currently listening to: a female artist named "pina" and i have her favorite song on repeat at the moment

currently wearing: a tshirt and track pants, silver framed glasses, slippers and a pony tail

last time i talked to my parents: two days ago

song that always makes me smile: "ants marching" by dave matthews

favorite ice cream: peanut butter chocolate from baskin robbins

best friend: nic, i've known her since we were 12

first time i said the "f" word: i was 19....nic and i said it in her car

favorite kind of music: i'm addicted to power females as i call them (pina is one of them)

5 dvds in my collection: space balls, amelie, allison krauss and union station, rudy, willie wonka and the chocolate factory (how is that for variety) oh and then there is labrynth and dark crystal......and the red balloon....

favorite international composer/writer: yann tiersen

countries i've been to: england and mexico

favorite alcoholic beverage: vodka tonic with an extra lime twist

favorite non-alcoholic beverage: sugar free cherry koolaid or lemmonade crystal light

favorite place to be kissed: lips and then my forehead

best compliment to get non-sexual: you make me laugh

dirty talk i love to hear: "i want to fuck you"

favorite photographer: ansel adams

best gift from a boyfriend: an authentic ansal adams limited edition print

best date: a trip to the st. louis art museum on a warm summer evening and on the drive home i could smell the clover fields, the windows were down, and the breeze kept flipping my skirt over my legs

living condition: alone, no pets....living on top of a garrage but soon moving to the house infront of me

best guy friend: bri......have known him for 6 years, met him on icq as a fluke, never did anything sexual and he's become one of my very best friends and is my mister-fix-it bitch

a personal dream i have that not too many people know: i want to play for a major symphony and play on a movie score

instrument i play: fench horn

secret talent: i sing....and sing quite well actually but am always shy about it

learning: guitar...i have 5 chords down now

struggling with: trying to deal with the loss of my son...trying to get back into school to finish my degree and be more motivated about life, like how i used to be

crushing on: more than one

best concert: rufus wainright in chicago (he was amazing)

thing i do in my apartment when nobody is looking: crank up a song and spin around in a circle with my hands above my head

......
and there is a bit of me
i could think of tons more but don't want to bore

on a night off

...flipping through cds
on a saturday night
a night off
finally
but nothing exciting going on

"ll" has stopped talking to me once again
wish he would have never messaged me in the first place

i did get a massage today......it was amazing and like i could actually feel everything melt away. it was a gift certificate i got for my birthday that i finally decided to use.

i was very wound up today for some reason.....well i know why but i ended up getting off 4 times in about a 2 hour time.

right now i would love to have a good make-out session more than anything else. yes, i said more than anything else....
it's been a while since i've been with a guy who really enjoys that aspect, who really enjoys foreplay. "j" did for the first couple times we met up but that was pretty much it......i love that first kiss, that first feeling.....i need to be kissed. i wonder if i could put an ad on craig's list just for that

"wanted, a man to just kiss me and touch me. no sex.....come prepared to make-out and make-out for a long time"

i'd probably get responses but not the ones i'm looking for....
just like when i placed my last ad on there and made it very clear i wasn't looking for a one night stand and still all the responses i got were like this
"hey baby i'll be passing through your city, wanna hook up?"
"hey baby, i live like 8 hours from you, but i'd be worth the trip"

no thanks, i'll pass.... and i did

i wish i had someone close
someone in my city
that i could play with
be friends with
it's fading out with "j"
and i think i should just end it.......

maybe i just need to be alone for a while
just use the toys for a while
back off trying to find anything

hmmmmm i'll have to think about that

continued conversation

well the conversation didn't end just there. it went on but i was not able to save it nor the one we had today....
there really isn't enough time (or interest) on the whole background with "ll"
but talking to him last night and this morning has really overwhelmed me a bit and brought back a lot of memories....
he really is the reason i started this whole blog and the reason why i went on a "question" to find a sexual buddy.....

are we going to meet up?
i don't know.....
he said he doesn't want to promise anything because he doesn't want to hurt me again
he doesn't know why he messaged me last night but in the same sentence said he never forgot about me and that the reason it all ended was not because of me but because he felt he wasn't "worth" me......

i don't want to go into it any further really because i don't want to make him look like some "full of it sleezoid" because he was always very nice to me.......

and now it's time for me to go to bed

mumbo jumbo

...
i feel so behind on this blog of mine....
fortunately i have a bit of time before work now so i can sit here and try and get everything out that's been going on.

last night i got a phone call from "lou" from his hotel....it was nice to hear from him....even though he brought up the fact that we were not going to be meeting wednesday (today) after all. i know we were both looking forward to it.

oh....thanks to all the commenters on this topic of married men lately....even the ones i didn't agree with (smile)....did not know how hot of a topic that was going to be when i started writing about it.

i really do face this whole thing very naively and forget that some people may disagree with what i think, say, and do....but ofcourse all comments are welcome.

i was given the offer to meet up with someone else who lives in chicago.....i've put that on hold now too...i just feel so caught up in this whirwind of mine. i had plans with "lou" and that fell through and now i'm just not ready to jump in with someone else and i've got some personal stuff going on and gas prices are almost 3 dollars in my area now and on and on the list goes.....so i have decided to go with my gut and call that off as well and am just gonna be me for a while and just relax.....

(takes a deep breath)

i did have a visitor late last night though.....
it had been a couple weeks since i had seen "j"....
pretty much thought that whole situation was over and was definitely not going to chase him down so after the first week of no messages from him i just let it go.....
was holding off on finding someone to replace him but was just not going to let myself worry about it.

but late last night he got in contact with me and a bit later, he was knocking on my door.....
before he showed up he asked me what i wanted and i said a good teasing and make-out session would be good. but "j's" concpet of that is far different than mine apparently. he just gets so wound up that it's like he can't help himself....so foreplay is always very limited with him. we did fuck....and fucked hard and then both collapsed onto my bed. he was even too tired to take the condom off and fell asleep on my bed. i looked over and saw it hanging on him still and it made me laugh and then i closed my eyes and i was out.

next thing i know he's kissing my cheek and saying how late it is and that he has to go....

ok i'm sidetracking here but as i was sitting here writing this, i just now got a instant message from "ll" ...my last lover who i have not spoken to in almost a year......and he's just talking normal chit chat like nothing ever changed.....
wow life is weird
don't usually do this but here is the conversation
oh and i know there are typos but i don't feel like fixing them all


him: Hi
me: hi
him: What's up?
me: not much..... what about you?
him: Nothing good
me: sorry to hear that
him: Did you get your boots?
him: Sorry to live it
me: no i never got the boots
me: maybe one of these days
him: Where are you these days?
me: i'm still at my apartment
him: I see. doing what?
me: doing an internship to finish my degree and working full-time overnights right now as an overnight supervisor
him: I see. any taller than before?
me: nope. same height
me: what about you. where are you at what are u doing these days
him: Anything new?
me: hmmm no not really. nothing to speak of. gonna be moving in the next couple weeks but just to the house infront of me so i can have more room and such. but other than that nothing really new
him: Being my friend's bitch until i find something that actually pays ok
him: What about appearance? longer hair? larger breasts? anything?
me: lost some weight..... hair is still about the same.......it is longer but i just got it trimmed so probably wouldn't look much different to you. breasts are still the same as far as i know..... pretty much look the same as you last saw me
him: Lost weight?
him: From where?
me: yeah have been working on that since january......i feel like i look the same but have gone down almost 2 sizes now.......and feel a lot healthier. but chest is still pretty much the same size
him: Do you have a new picture i could drool over?
me: no i haven't taken any pics in over a year now
him: So why are you only on this screen name these days?
me: i just combined everyone onto one list
me: easier that way
me: i still hop over to the other one from time to time.......
him: Oh. so no pictures?
me: no....like i said, i haven't taken any since the ones i showed you before
him: But why not? you were a knockout before. i'm sure that's only enhanced now..
me: no need to i guess....i dunno. did that for fun then just haven't had the need/desire to do anymore i suppose. no real reason i guess
him: If i made a request would that be a 'real reason'?
me: well it would be a reason yes. but right now i don't have a way to do that.....my pc is out for repairs. i'm on a laptop here and can't set my cam up with it.
him: Oh. that stinks. you've aroused my curiosity
me: well i'll take one when i get my pc back
him: Among other things
him: Any idea when that might be?
me: i think i might have an idea but could be wrong
him: Try
me: something i haven't seen in almost a year now
him: Are we talking about What's aroused? or when you'll get your computer back?
me: what's aroused.
me: oh i read taht all wrong
me: but the computer will be probably next week sometime
him: Oh. yeah. but like that's a surprise? you know i always have thought you're a total babe
me: you did mention that from time to time yes
him: I think you're very pretty
me: thanks
him: So almost a year, huh?
me: yep
me: last time i saw you was the night my son died.......which will be a year in september

and now since that last line, it's been 5 minutes with no message back from him.....

whirlwind

...
well tuesday was postponed to wednesday
and then this morning after i got home from work, i got an email telling me those plans would not work either...
so now there is no set plan on when it will happen.
but i still hope it will happen at one point.....
i do know though that a few doubts may have been stirred or re-inforced through some of the comments i got......but in the end it was just scheduling that got in the way.

he asked me if i was mad, if i still wanted to talk to him....
not mad, but definitely disappointed.
but things happen...work happens, life happens.....
so you just have to roll with the punches and keep going...
he told me he wasn't backing out
or making up excuses
and i believe him.....that's all i need.

justifications

...maybe "fantasy" is the wrong word...
it's not like i have been on a pursuit on a hunt to be the other woman.....it's not like i have a desire to be a mistress. i have stayed away from many married men. i am not setting out to destroy some innocent woman's trust in her marriage. i don't point fingers at people and their decisions and would like the same respect. opinions are one thing, but making me out to be some sort of marriage destroyer.....comments like that are not necessary.

i guess what i fantasize about most is the "feeling"....the "i'm doing something taboo and there is extra excitement that comes with that" feeling....

i'm not going to sit here and justify why i want to do what i want to do.....
but thanks to jack johnson, i can type out some lyrics to a song that reminds me of the situation i am in.......

.....
when your mind is a mess so is mine i can't sleep
cuz it hurts when i think, my thoughts aren't at peace
with the plans that we make; chances we take
they're not yours they're not mine
there are waves that can break
all the words that we said and the words that we mean
and the words can fall short can't see the unseen
because the world is awake so for somebody's sake
now please close your eyes
please get some sleep

sleep and know that if i knew all the answers
i would not hold them from you
know all of the things that i know
because we told each other there is no other way

too much silence can be misleading
you're drifting i can hear it in the way that you're breathing
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came well it's leaving
it's leaving
leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
but at least we could sleep, it's all that we need
when we wake we would find, our minds would be free
to go to sleep

sleep and know that if i knew all of the answers
i would not hold them from you
know all of the things that i know
because we told each other there is no other way

in the horizon

...
life is so strange sometimes. i've talked about that before but just to watch certain doors open up and certain situations unfold....i never like to close any doors cuz i never know what might be brought my way. one just never knows.

and as it comes, i don't like to analyze and figure out, i like to just let it happen....let those feeling occur, don't think about why or how, just let them be....

he found my blog....he will now be known as "lou"
he read all the archives and we talked on instant messenger
and then a phone call and another and another
and now...an opportunity has presented itself and tuesday i may be there...
tuesday

it's all happened so fast but not fast enough
i have had a difficult time getting him out on these pages because it has happened so quickly and not quick enough.
now there may be some who will not approve of this meeting but just so they all know....i am going into this with my head on straight and knowing all the information up front...

he made a comment today "just don't fall in love with me" and i must admit, i didn't appreciate it but it's not the first time a guy has said that to me and i suppose if someone reads my blog they will see that sometimes my emotional attachment gets a bit out of wack...but i'm a grown gal and i can take care of myself and just cuz i may want to share my bed with you, doesn't mean i'm going to "fall".....(talking about "you" in the general sense now)
we straightened it out, he apologized, things are fine.....
but i suppose in his situation he needs to cover his tracks

and chatted with another reader of mine today who made some comment that he'd never leave his wife or get remarried again and i felt like all these men are on this ego trip that i'm just waiting to fall in love with them....or waiting to fall in love in general

but i'm not

....and i don't want either of them to take that personally......
i know neither of you meant it that way.

but tuesday is on the horizon
my tuesday
his tuesday
our tuesday

will it be?

on a roll

...ok so i'm going post frenzy here but i'm trying to catch up since i didn't blog all week....

i am on this memory lane path tonight....

i have a cd playing a song right now that has attachment to it....attachment to "hd"....it's a song about banana pancakes and staying inside and enjoying the day with someone you love....and it's a song that he used to tell me reminded him of me so everytime i hear it, it makes me remember the good stuff and not all the bad. i still wonder how he's doing...it's been months since i've talked to him now.

and then....

"sg" sent me an offline message the other day to let me know he appreciated me respecting his wishes to no longer talk to me and to let me know i still crossed his mind from time to time...i was surprised to get it but it was nice to hear from him.
i told him a while ago that i took him off my lists but i never did....i have never messaged him since he asked me to not contact him anymore but for some reason, i couldn't delete his name from my list....
so tonight as i was writing, i saw him sign on and then pretty soon a "view my webcam" came up next to his name.
i must admit my stomach sank for a moment because it made me remember those late nights when he would turn his cam on for me... sometimes just sitting there in the dark with a peaceful look on his face . and sometimes i'd turn mine on and just watch him watch me....i really enjoyed our conversations and our cam sessions...he was a lot of tun to talk to and i have a lot of good memories attached to those times as well...
i think of him from time to time as well and hope things are going well for him.

and that's pretty much it for memory lane now
i'm working on a fantasy in an email form and enjoying a night off.....
i've recently been promoted at work so i'm a full-time gal now and doing 10pm-630am 40 hours (thanks for pointing out my typo) a week can wear a gal down.....

so i sit here listening to my cd, wearing my favorite pjs ...tv on but turned town and enjoying....
just enjoying

to do

i have done several lists on here since i have started this thing
but thought i would do a very small one
it's my "to do" list....
or things i would like to do at some point in my sexual explorations
not all of these are definite "i must do this" but none of them are beyond what i'd do and i have fantasized about all of them on here

1. kiss a woman
2. be involved in a threesome
3. meet someone who reads my blog
4. be with a married man
5. have sex/go down on a man while people are watching on cam
6. have sex with a man while having phone sex with another (without the guy on the phone knowing)

those are a few things that i would like to experirence at one point in my life....
meeting someone who reads my blog and being with a married man are things i have thought about for a while now and have almost happened a few times but so far no luck....

but a new reader of mine lives about an hour from me and we have talked on the phone a couple times now and a planned meeting is in the works. he would fulfill both the "married" and "blog reader" contents of my list.

i know there is another reader who would love that opportunity but he's quite a distance from me and although i don't like to close doors, the possibility of him being the first is probably not realistic...

but in other news

"j" hasn't been around for over a week now.....
i'm really not worried about it. ofcourse i miss the frequent sex but my manual orgasms have been quite sufficient and it's nice to have a bit of a break from him but i wonder how long it will take for me to start looking again...if he doesn't come back around that is.

fantasy file folder

...
i have definitely made up for the "no sex" weekend...
i have re-aquainted myself with a vibe that has been sitting in my drawer and i have no gotten used to the intensity
over and over and over again (i might add)

when i do masturbate, i usually end up flipping through names and fantasies of men i've either been with or men i want to be with or men i'd never have a chance with but still like to fantasize about....

and as i was flipping through that file folder the other day, i wondered how many different men have thought of me. are there men out there that have masturbated while thinking of me.......and i have no clue about it?

there are a few men i would never admit to that i have thought about and those include

1. my current married supervisor who now has two children
2. my past boss who ended up getting fired for sexual harrassment (not on my behalf)
3. a friend's husband
4. a platonic friend that i have known for 6 years now

and then there are some men who i have either been with or just talked to in the past who i no longer have contact with

1. "ll"
2. "sg"
3. the first guy i was ever with
4. the first guy i ever kissed
5. my one-night-stand

and then ofcourse the current ones

1. "new guy"
2. "chicago hook-up"
3. "j"
4. guy who i haven't thought of how to address in here yet (hmmm what should i call you)

and guilty as charged, someone who probably doesn't even know i have
and i can't mention him in here cuz he reads my blog and i read his blog and i'm not sure yet how he'd feel about being "exposed" on here.....even though i have before but on the general sense....

so that's pretty much my list.

i wish i could know who's list i am on.

any takers?

no sex weekend

...
it has been 4 days, not only since i've had sex, but since i've gotten off in general (even manually) and i'm practically squirming in my seat.
now i wouldn't say i'm a chronic "manual" gal, but it does seem to be about daily for me...
i can't help it if my sex-drive hormones are always on overdrive...it's not my fault.
but since friday, i have been out of town visiting family and have not had the opportunity nor privacy to take care of any business, and so after i arrive back to my place later this evening, i'm sure i will take care of it before once again going to work...

the first day or so i was ok but last night i was having sex dreams and woke up this morning horny as can be but with my parents lurking over my shoulder (even as i write this), i must supress that inner whore in me and save it til i get home...

too bad there won't be a man waiting for me in my bed when i get back...

kermit or animal

...over the last couple days a topic has come up between a few random people and i have decided to ponder it, while incorporating the visitor i had yesterday morning.

a couple days ago i had a phone call from a new blogging friend of mine (no it wasn't phone sex...) but we started talking about the difference between love making and fucking and what i preferred.
afection....lust
it seems a combination of both would be nice, but thus far i have not found it.
but as i was thinking more and more about it, i was invisioning either "kermit the frog" or "animal"
what is the lover i gravitate towards?

i am a very affectionate woman but it seems most of the men i end up love affection but aren't so great in giving it.
"j" was pretty good the first time around but more and more now it's a "down to business" attitude.
now, don't get me wrong...i love being fucked.
but sometimes, i miss that affection....
does affection only come with a love-filled relationship?
hmmmm have to ponder on that one myself
but i digress

i have talked a few times about a "friend" of mine who i saw before "j" came into the picture and i hadn't heard from him in a while. well last week he messaged me and asked me what really turned me on....what got me so hot and wet.
i told himi this
"as simple as this may sound, i love being touched.
drag your fingers down my neck, accross my fingers and down my stomac....let your tongue linger on a nipple...glide your hands down my body...kiss me...tell me you want me...give me affection"

the conversation ended and i figured he'd want none of that and on my way i went.

yesterday morning after falling asleep on the couch, i awoke to a bang on the door and stumbled to open it.
it was him...
"what are you doing h e......"
i couldn't even finish the sentence before he put his arms around me and started to kiss me.
my mind started racing and i was thinking of how i was just with "j' and how i have never been with one guy and another and that i should stop him and and and...
but his kiss was gentle and it felt so good and soon we were laying on my bed and he touched me and kissed me and licked me and although he didn't mind my hand wandering between his legs, his concentration fell on me and he rolled me onto my back...him on top...
he played with my hair (huge turn on) and whispered in my ear "do you know how beautiful you look in the mornings?"
and i drifted off into some other world that i felt had not welcomed me in a long time.
the orgasm came quick but lingered....tingles all over
sex didn't happen in the traditional cock in pussy way but he layed me on my stomach and ended up getting himself off and letting it spurt on my back....warm wet...it gave me chills and as he got up to get me a towel and clean me off, i felt completely satisfied.

he got up soon after to go back to work, kissed me on the cheek and i smiled.
he started walking out and i said
"hey, thanks for listening"

so kermit or animal?
i meet a lot of "animals"
but it's nice to bump into a "kermit" from time to time
...
and one more thought
i got an AMAZING email from the one i talked to on the phone the other day about a fantasy he had and it had both kermit and animal aspects and if someone actually ever did that fantasy for me, i would have to say that would be the most spoiled i have ever been....

writing wet

...
i got off work at 6:30am this morning as usual...and it started to rain some more. rained off and on all night and we heard the echos of thunder from inside the store, rattling the windows, making us squeal like little kids at school.

the ride home, uneventful...played back conversations and laughter that i had shared with co-workers the pervious 8 hours...

rain continued harder and as i pulled onto my street and parked, it was coming down in big round drops. i turned the key, sat there for a moment under the big tree and took a deep breath of the rain-filled sky as i opened my door.

i walked slowly up the street and even slower down the driveway and let the drops penetrate my clothes and start dripping off my hair...
up the back steps, key turned and i was home safe, soaking wet...

there is just something about walking in the rain slow without a care in the world...that is, when you can do that. usually i'm running here and there or trying to keep my hair dry. but today, after working 8.5 hours in a department store and eating chocolate pudding at 5am, i decided to walk slow and let it all wash wash wash away

and now here i am....
writing wet

continuation and an add-on

...
we went into the bedroom, he layed on the bed on his back and i crawled up to him on my hands and knees.
i kissed his neck, down his chest, his stomach...
and started taking my tongue and licking right above his cock and to the side of it. all around, but not touching his cock....
teasing teasing teasing

his eyes closed and i pressed my face close to his cock and started blowing my warm breath on it...

i sat up, took my shirt off and leaned back down...letting my nipples drag over his shaft.

he moaned, and my nipples hardened and the wetness between my legs increased.

i put my hands on the bed and took my tongue on the undersisde of his shaft and lifted it up into my mouth and then slowly slid it down further and further opening up my throat to take him all the way in.

i held it there.....cock in my mouth to the balls..hands on the bed...and i closed my mouth and throat tight around it and started sucking..

more moans on his end, more wetness on mine

i started slowly moving my mouth up and down his cock then a bit faster and faster until i heard him mumble out the word "condom"

i rolled off the bed and got the condom but decided to tease him a bit more first...

i straddled him with one knee on the bed and one raised with my foot planted on the mattress, so i could get some leverage...and i took his cock with one hand and started gliding it slowly over my slit...(isn't teasing fun)

i pushed it on my clit and started rocking on it....faster faster faster until i felt myself getting close....then i put his shaft back on my slit, balance myself on my knees and with the other hand started playing with my clit until i came all over his cock.....i convulsed hard and felt my wetness drip down all over him....

after i caught my breath, i put his cock back in my mouth tasting all my wetness and that was what pushed him over the edge...

he pushed me off him, said "that's it"...put the condom on and rolled me onto my stomach...

he grabbed my legs, pulling them out so my ass went up in the air and before i had time to collect my thoughts, he started fucking me hard....

slaps on the ass, hair pulling...harder harder harder

my face was burried in the pillow as i slammed back into him in rhythm and i felt myself contract down on his cock as i heard him say "here i go" and a few thrusts later i heard him grunt low and say "fuck yeahhhhhhhhhhh"

i fell onto my stomach
he fell on the bed next to me

and then it was pizza time

the addition to this post is that i had a visitor this morning that was unexpected but to go into this story in further detail, i'll have to once again postpone it becuase (you guess it)..i have to get myself off to work again...

so my apologies !!

outdoor lovin

...
once again i'm sitting here writing before i dash off to work. so, this post will probably be a bit short but i'll do my best.

a few days ago i had phone sex with "new guy" again...he likes to try different things from time to time. he has me go in the shower, on my bed, on the couch, on the kitchen table...he likes to switch it up from time to time which makes it fun and keeps it interesting. i told him a while back that i'd do it outside for him sometime on my back steps but i'd have to be rather quiet.

he loved the idea and called me two nights ago and asked me if i was willing to do that.

i stripped down, grabbed a blanket and my vibe and headed out to my back steps.

now, although it is a bit bold, i do live in a rather isolated area and my back steps face a hardly ever used alley....

but i did turn off the back light and was very quiet on the phone with him...

i sat on the steps leaned back and used my toy as though he were standing there facing me, fucking me on the steps.

i got off nicely and he did too....
that was a new one for the books...

and onto other news
"j" stopped by last night
we had pizza and ice cream and this time i was smart enough to put the pizza in the oven when he showed up.
"j" tends to be a bit impatient and likes to start messing around right away and well during the pizza eating/tv watching and afterwards and before he leaves and and and

i was curled up on the couch when he came in the door and i was asleep....so he sat next to me and started rubbing my legs which woke me up and then i leaned over on his chest and started to rub his stomach, and as i sat there rubbing his stomach and hearing him moan, i started to see something grow in his pants so i jumped to the opportunity.

i got on my knees on the floor, he still on the couch...got between his legs, pulled his cock through the bottom of his boxers and started licking the head.

it grew harder and bigger and i took off his boxers and wrapped my mouth around it.
his hands now on my head moving it slowly up and down his shaft
i heard him moaning and saw his stomach muscles contracting...

besides playing with my hair and scratching my back from time to time, he reallyl wasn't touching me, but sucking a guy's cock always turns me on and still makes me wet.

he has learned this little fact about me and he knew i was good and wet and ready for him...so he stood up, reached his hand to me and pulled me up and off to the bedroom we went

....
to be continued in a future post
must go to work :)

and then there was one

...
as i have hinted around before, i am a fan of the buzzing sensation of a vibe. it's a lovely way to get off and is very satisfying inbetween my sexual encounters. although my collection is not extensive i did have two larger size ones and one little one i got as a gift with a porno i bought.
the little one doesn't get me off so it just sits in my drawer but the other two i used at least daily favoring the 7" silver bullet the most. the other one is a vibe with a clit attachment and the shaft part rotates as well...that one is good but sometimes too intense.
i just prefer the standard silver bullet one, that is, until i killed it.
i've had it for about a year now and the other day when i was having phone sex with "new guy" the ball bearings inside gave way and i had to put it to its vibe grave...
i miss it....
cant justify buying another one at this moment in time and did use the rotating one this morning before work but pretty soon i'll have to cave in and replace my silver bullet....
you'll be missed little buddy (at least until you are replaced)

if anyone wants to know the key to my heart and puss...or, well, just my puss...
find me a replacement and i'm all yours :)