Secrets Untold

strolling down memory lane

2006-11-30T10:50:00.000-06:00

...
this morning as i sat on my steps having my morning ciggie (and freezing by the way), for some reason this blog popped in my head and with it a bunch of my memories followed....

i had quite a journey through this blog...chatting with fellow bloggers and even meeting a few of them....

i thought of chicago hook-up and our make-out session that occurred and oral man...and how now i live probably within a 20 minute drive of him.

i thought of some of the phone calls and desires to meet a few people that fell through......

shy guy and lou and others.....

and "new guy"

what happened to them...what are they doing now....any new adventures of their own?

and now my life is so different from when i first started this thing......
but a few entries from an old friend's blog reminded me the stir is still inside me.....

is this thing on?

2006-10-24T14:02:00.000-05:00

...
so today for some strange reason i found myself looking at blogs which i haven't done in gosh 6 months or so and then i remembered i used to have one of those things and i decided to try and find my way back on and after a few attempts of wrong user names and passwords, i got back on.....
and it feels strange to be here yet somewhat familiar........
and i know my audience is probably way long gone but i didn't start this for them in the first place so once again it can be my secret place....

some things have changed for this girl.

i have moved in with my boyfriend.....and am now living in the northern part of il ...chicago to be exact and have started a new job which i so far hate but hopefully will grow into and life is grown up and changing now.

its strange but wonderful to be in the same house as him and after we just had a small romp in the office, i can say things are still working in that department too......

i have storries and now a place i can come back to and share them......

why is it so difficult

2006-05-09T20:47:00.000-05:00

...
to keep this thing updated?
i remember when i used to write in here almost every single day
now almost a month goes by between each post.....
so instead of saying "oh my life is different now, i'm boring now"
whatever.....
i'll just post.

first off..... if mister 5.25 still checks back here
yes i remember you
and if you'd like to chat......
i'm still on yahoo under my phone_loving_rae76
id
so you can hit me up there if you like.

....
and i have to give a shout out to mister "new guy" who had a birthday a while back ....
happy happy love!

so how am i?

things are going pretty well....
i'm still with my man (i know amazing isn't it?)
and talk now is of me getting out of here by the end of the year and (drum roll please) moving to chicago!!!
and yes the plan is to be moving in with him....

it has not been an easy journey at all....
long-distance can be really difficult and it's been what 4 weeks since i've seen him now, but it's been so good to take things slow and to not be so worried about the outcome, and everytime we are together it just fits and everything falls back into place.

is he the one for me?
i dunno, but i know i can see myself with him.
no there are no rings and wedding bells yet, but when i think of a man that can handle me....he fits the mold.

i was watching sex and the city last night and they were talking about two types of females...the simple ones and the complex ones
and i am definitely of the complex variety

and i know being in a relationship with me is anything but simple, but i'm sure there are some benefits in there somewhere as well...
i mean, i CAN deepthroat
that's good right? :-)

and onto the sex part

my toy collection grows more and more and my inhibitions fall less and less and he makes me feel confident in myself in my body and in my sexual conquests....

it's amazing being comfortable with myself sexually and to be with someone that not only appreciates it but encourages it....

i mean who would have thought i would one day find myself on the edge of the bathtub straddling my suction-based dildo, riding it up and down while my boyfriend jerked off....

.....

so as i was saying

2006-03-13T14:56:00.000-06:00

...
a few days ago i bumped into an online friend of mine and we exchanged hellos and pleasantries and i spoke on how my blog has pretty much been abandoned. i still write, but not on here.... and not about my sexual adventures but of my everyday life and feel that "phone_loving_rae" is gradually well, not disappearing, but not being so evident as she used to be.

she was a big part of my life...this blog was a big part of my life and exploring my sexual adventures. i was unattached and beyond that, letting myself dive into my desires. i really have no regrets of the men i've met and the things i've experienced but my life is in a different direction now.

i have an AMAZING boyfriend that i love and my goals now involve finishing school and moving in with him....not looking for phone sex or a quick lay.

am i getting old? maybe
is rae settling down?
looks like it
but is my sex drive gone?
no and oh hell no.....

in fact, for whoever cares, we just had sex :-)
and it was amazing
he's amazing

and i'm loved

can you throw that in the wash for me?

2006-02-13T19:19:00.000-06:00

...
i'm up at my guy's place
he's at class right now and here i sit with the 2 dogs and the new pup...
i drove up today just for the night and my little boquet of valentine balloons and candy sits on the desk and makes me smile...
tonight as we were standing in the kitchen he hugged me and said
"well seeing you for a bit is better than not seeing you at all, and i get to see that smiling face of yours."

and as he hugged me i couldn't help but wonder if this is the guy....
it's such a strange place to be in
i haven't been here in such a long time
scuba steve and i never materialized
i think i knew that from the beginning but it didn't matter
and before him?
one really bad relationship and some flings....

but to be in a spot where i can picture my life with this man
i think "who me?"
phone loving rae???

but then as his hands trailed down my body and inbetween my legs i flashed back to an hour before

me on his bed naked and he between my legs, holding them spread wide as he pounded my puss with first 2 fingers then 3 then 4 and then my favorite dildo
the more i moved and moaned and groaned, the harder he got
and this time when i squirted, it was all over his shirt and some on his face and mine
and i could literally see just how much he turns me on

he got on his back and i straddled him and wrapped my mouth tight around his shaft as his hands reached out to trace the lace around my bra
when he was nice and hard, his cock slipped from my lips and i got on my knees next to him, put one foot flat on the bed and started fucking my pussy with my fingers.
his hand immediately went to his shaft and he stared at my puss watching my fingers get more and more wet and then i strattled his leg and continued fucking my pussy, the juice running down my fingers and onto his leg ....
as i got close, i burried my face into his neck and moaned in his ear as i came and came hard......
fingers soaked with juice i crawled back down to his cock, wrapped my fingers around his shaft and started stroking him hard and fast
the other hand slipped my bra off and i started smacking the head of his cock on my nipples.....
we locked eyes as i started sliding it between my titties and within a few seconds his cum was spurting out all over them
eyes locked on eyes

and back to about 15 minutes ago, i picked up the soaked shirt that was still on the floor and threw it in the wash and think "maybe this guy really is the one"

temporary love

2006-02-10T07:17:00.000-06:00

...
i used to walk around as though the love i found would be but a fleeting moment. my heart and mind would become filled with all these doubts and i'd find myself trying to protect it so much that i couldn't even enjoy it. i was so afraid to lose it that i would never hold it, never breathe it in, never embrace it...
the desire to stay safe and happy became my obsession and love itself was not pleasurable but full of fear and resentment.

and then not too far back in the past, a tiny 1 lb. baby was born and i watched him struggle and eventually lose his fight to live and my heart was full of such love for him that even when i knew he was going to be gone from me, even when i knew it would be love for a moment, the love was anything but temporary and i plunged myself into every moment and every feeling even knowing the horrific broken heart that was waiting for me...

and when i sit in my pile of photographs and memories and the emotions of loss become so overwhelming i can smile in the fact that i was swallowed up in love and lived through it...

and now a year after he's passed, i still have moments where i'm tempted to protect, tempted to hide and then i look at his photo on my desk and remember to live in presense and in the present... live in the moment. love in the moment....

loss is inevitable
pain is inevitable
will ed break my heart
will our love be a temporary one?

i do not know...
but until that moment happens
i will not live as though it is temporary
but i will embrace it
live in it
and love it

accent found

2006-02-06T14:03:00.000-06:00

i'm up in the northern part of il seeing my guy and it's funny how quickly my accent comes back. now when i return back to my apartment tomorrow, i know all my friends will tease me when they hear that accent again. i like being up here. reminds me of home........

things are going well with the new beau
and it's amazing how different the relationship is then when i dated scuba steve....
ed puts effort into it and i feel like i'm in a real adult relationship and not one where i carry all the weight...
and i have a TON of sexual stories i'm just not sure how to fit them all in...

but one small tidbit?

he bought me a lovely 8" dildo that is nice and thick and i love it
and the other night he brought out a big mirror and had me hold it so i could see him pound my puss nice and hard. i had never seen what my puss looks like being pounded before and it was an INCREDIBLE experience....
i could see my puss open up and stretch and clamp down and i could see the wetness building and dripping and as he went harder and harder, i could see my titties bounce in the mirror as well. and when i finally came....i came so hard that i squirted all over the mirror and some even hit my face and then i panted and shook until i finally came back down to earth. it was quite amazing.....

meet the parents

2006-01-23T10:11:00.000-06:00

...
i'm probably one of the few, but i must say i am not a fan of the movie "meet the parents".
i remember sitting in the theatre feeling awkward and nervous for him and embarrassed beyond belief. it was uncomfortable and i looked around and saw all my friend's laughing when all i wanted to do was leave....

you couldn't pay me to see that movie again.

...
my phone rang yesterday around 8:45am
"i'm here...you gonna come pick me up?"
"i thought we said 9:15"
"yeah yeah but i'm here now, come get me"
"i'm on my way" i say....." hold tight"

i call to my mom
"mom i'm headed out to pick him up... i'll be back"

i get in my car and drive to our meeting point. i figured it would be easier then making him drive in a city he's not familiar with... i could just picture it (turn left here, turn right at the arbys then go down and then pass the.....)

we talk every day and i see him as often as possible but i still get butterflies in my stomach when my car pulls in the driveway and i see his truck in the parking lot.

i park my car and walk up to his truck and he gets out
(he's so handsome) i think to myself
and when he hugs me, i'm comforted by his smell....

we smile and a kiss is exchanged but nothing else
he doesn't say
i don't say
but i know i'm nervous
i wonder if he is....

we get to my parent's house and i give him the tour and he sees all the embarrassing photos of me as a kid...including my senior photo with me and all my massive curls and my french horn. it's classic i tell you...just classic.

my mom comes down and the introductions enfold
"mom this is ed...ed this is mom"
and pleasentries are exchanged

he and i sit in the living room while she goes in to call my father
a few moments she comes back out
"i hate these hospital numbers..i can't get through to your father's room"
"i'll do it mom"

i get up and call the hospital and a few minutes later i hear his voice
"hellooooo"
it trails off in this weak pant and my heart sinks

"hey bucko, how you feeling?"
"hold on a second rae, let me lay back down....."
"sure thing dad"
i hear him set the phone down and a few grunts and pants later, he picks the phone up again
"hi" he sighs
"hey dad...how you feeling?"
"oh you know....same thing different day"
we talk a little and then i hand the phone to my mom
i go sit next to ed and without blinking he kisses my cheek and takes my hand
and i sigh

"i wish he could be here with us today" i say
"i know baby" he smiles

we get to the church a few minutes later and i do my godmother duties as my nephew gets baptized and the emotion is mixed of happiness and wishing dad could be with us.

as we got to my brother's house, i watched ed with my family...and i sat back and saw him fit right in with them. there he was talking to my grandmother and aunt and my brother's friends and it was as though he had already been here....

he got the drills from my family and he passed every question with flying colors and as we sat on the couch and his arm was around me, i felt so relaxed and proud to be with him...proud to show my family who i was with.

as we got ready to leave, my sister-in-law stretched out her hand and said
"it was nice to meet you"
"you too amy"
"maybe we'll see you again" she smiled
"oh you will... you definitely will"

and out we went...

we drove to the hospital and walked into my dad's room hand in hand
"sorry i can't do a song and dance for you" my dad smiled in his weakened state
"i expect a raincheck"

we all talked for a few minutes
i gave my dad a kiss on the cheek
"i'll see you tomorrow dad"

i drove him back to his truck
we kissed and hugged
"thank you for today....you were great"
"so were you...thanks for letting me come"

"i'll see you tomorrow...after i see my dad i'll head up to chicago"
"it will be great sleeping next to you again baby"
"i know......"

another kiss was exchanged and his car went one way and mine the other.....

and as i sit and type this i have butterflies again knowing i'll soon be back with him in his arms

and real life really doesn't have to be like the movies :-)

an old friend

2006-01-18T07:26:00.000-06:00

...
i put this blog to rest for a while for a combination of reastons
mainly that i didn't feel i had much to write
i was getting tired of writing
and my everyday personal life was needing attention

but somehow i have found my way back
back to an old friend
maybe temporarily
maybe permanently
i'm not sure yet

but for right now, here i am....

i haven't had sex in i'm not even sure how long now...
months....

but i am seeing someone
have been since before christmas but haven't talked about it for once again a few reasons
1. i wasn't so sure if i was ready to start dating again after steve
2. i wasn't quite sure how it would all pan out
3. i just didn't feel like explaining it all

but the more time passes, the more i realize it's coming upon the time where i shouldn't hide it anymore...

it's not like he's some horrible person that i'm ashamed of but he's definitely not someone i would have pictured me dating...

he's older than me (by 20 years)
he is shorter than me
smaller than me
and he lives about 3 hours from me

but his name was given to me by a friend
and on a fluke i said he could call me
and we met and have been meeting now for over a month...

we haven't slept together and for the first time, that has felt like a blessing.
i'm just enjoying him
he's enjoying me
and we are seeing where this may lead us

but i must say that waking up next to him in bed has been an amazing feeling

and the kisses aren't so bad either

past meet present meet confusion

2005-12-16T06:55:00.000-06:00

at around 11pm last night, i was dead asleep in my bed...
wrapped neatly and tightly in a collection of blankets
i was woken by the buzzing buzzing vibration of my phone

i squinted my eyes a few times and held the phone up to my face
"hd"
i figured it was a booty call and since i was in no mindset for that, i thought of turning over and going back to sleep but something inside me made me hesitate and i picked up the phone and answered.

all i heard was static at first and then
"rach rach, are you there?"
"hey yeah what's up? what's with all the static?"
"oh i'm outside....do you have a gas can?"
"ummm no. what's going on?"
"well i'm out here with the boys...for hockey practice and now my car won't start and i don't know if it's no gas or if its the battery or what..."
"rach can you..."
"i'll be right there"

i jumped out of bed, through on a bra and extra sweatshirt, grabbed my keys and phone and headed out the door.
as i pulled down the dark street leading up to the park, i saw them....
"hd" in the middle and his two boys on each side of him.
and with the combination of the dark street and the snow, they looked like they belonged in a movie...

i stopped in the street and opened my doors and they all crawled in

"oooooo it's so warm!" one of the boys said, and his hands were instantly in the waves of the heat.

"hd" sat in the front seat and grabbed my arm
"thank you for this"

i drove them to a gas station and the oldest boy stayed in the car with me as the details were taken care of with "hd" and the other

and there i sat, talking with him like it was old times....
even though i hadn't seen the boys since the big split over a year ago now
we talked about the changes in his life, the problems with school, his issues with his father and why i no longer was in contact with them...

the whole ordeal was over in about 1 hour
gas tank, that heat stuff, and some gas...

and soon the boys were back in their dad's car and on their way safe and sound...

and just as they were about to pull away "hd" rolled down the window and said "hey, add the little punk back on your messenger list would you? i know he'd love to talk to you...."
and with that a huge smile went on his oldest son's face and the moment was completely peaceful.

after i was back home and back in my car i got one more buzz
"thank you so much for this...i know no matter what our future is, i'll always have one true friend"

and with that the horrible past and confusion we had and all the lies and emotion slipped away and i felt like we were back at square one.

is it possible to be friends with my first broken heart

i guess we'll find out

down to business

2005-12-08T05:52:00.000-06:00

i started getting ready for work last night at around 8:45pm
i like to leave my place by 9:30 9:40 at the latest, to give me enough time to get to work and get settled before clocking in

as i started getting ready i realized i hadn't gotten myself off in a few days and thought it would be a good time to "pop one off" real quick since i was basically ready to go by 9pm

i pulled off my pants and crawled in bed and grabbed my toy and went to work

i rubbed it on my clit, teased myself on my slit and then slowly slid my toy deep in

my usual routine

it felt amazing but for some reason i couldn't get myself "there"

i closed my eyes and started focusing on different fantasies and the last time i was fucked good and tried to grasp onto anything to get me there

names started scrolling down my list

oral man
lou
scuba steve
hd
j

jumping from scene to scene and image to image and still nothing

i looked at my clock

9:30

"i'll leave in ten minutes" i thought
plenty of time

so i started scrolling down more of my list

ll
new guy
mt
sj

and i looked at my watch again
9:40

"ok ok 5 more minutes"
and i closed my eyes and started going harder and faster
concentrating on getting myself over

9:45pm
at this time i was bound and determined
i didn't care how long it took me
i was getting myself off damnit!

finally i focused on someone i've never fucked and never even thought of fucking and for some reason the newness of it all sent me over and at approximately 9:55pm last night i FINALLY had an orgasm.

as soon as it finished i said "finally!!!"
and picked up my phone and called work

"hey it's me, i'm gonna be a bit late...i was having some car problems"

i put my pants on and was out the door at 10pm and on my way

song depicting mood

2005-11-30T16:29:00.000-06:00

rufus wainright sings

"i don't want somebody to love me just give me sex whenever i want it...cuz all i ask for is instant pleasure
instant pleasure
instant pleasure"
...

and a fantasy enfolds

i send him an email telling him how the thought of him turns me on and how it makes me want to go play and how i wish he was in my room waiting for me once i got out of the shower.
i hit send...log off and walk into my bedroom
i turn on the table lamp and drop my clothes on the floor and grab a towel
i go into the bathroom and close the door and turn the water on
the heat starts steaming the mirror and soon the room is full of damp smoky steam
i look at my body and i see the moisture forming and know the shower is ready for me
i turn the light on dim and drop the towel and open the shower door
the steam envelops me and i let out a long sigh as the hot water touches me
it burns with heat but instantly relaxes all my muscles and i close my eyes and let it wash over me
i stand under the water and let it run over my nipples and the water dances off them playfully touching and teasing them and they begin to harden
my hands start reaching in the darkened shower with my eyes remaining closed and i find the soap and start lathering my body
it feels amazing...smooth, warm and i start moaning softly being turned on by my own touch

i hear a noise in the kitchen and open my eyes momentarily and then dismiss it as a fallen popcan or some misguided pen on my desk

i go back to my shower and start lathering my legs
long slow strokes of hot soapy water up and down my legs
covering every inch down to my toes

and i put one foot up on the tub as i start going up my inner thigh
teasing myself up higher and higher and then slowly dragging the washcloth over my pussy
soaking it and lathering it up
i put more soap on the cloth and soon my pussy is covered in thick warm soap
i reach back and grab my shaver and slowly and oh so carefully start shaving the lips of my pussy
long slow strokes and then ease in a bit more inside and then accross and shave my pussy smooth
the feeling sends tingles over my body and with the last stroke i drop the shaver and i let out a loud moan as i plunge 3 fingers deep inside me

my eyes close again and my foot remains on the tub and i start going harder and harder as my free hand presses up against the glass
and i start thinking of him and moaning and saying his name
and the noise sounds again but this time i don't even hear it
i am lost in my own feeling
and as the orgasm overcomes me and my pussy clamps down around my fingers, i know i need more
i crave more

i finish my shower and grab my towel and wrap it around my wet quivering body
and i enter my room once more with the table light casting a soft glow
and i open the drawer and grab my toy
i open the back slip out the deadend batteries and open a fresh pack
i drop my towel on the floor and crawl under the covers
the cold sheets touch my skin and my nipples harden instantly
i close my eyes and lay the toy next to me and start touching my body
immagining a warm touch, warm fingers tracing every inch of me
exploring every inch of my now flushed skin
my fingers find my erect nipples and i glide over them
and soon my fingers no longer feel like mine but his
he's exploring me
every soft spot
every curve
the places that make me moan
the places that make me giggle
the places that make my toes curl

i say his name in a pleading way
and with my eyes closed i don't even notice the shadowy figure approaching my bed
my lips open and i say "please....please touch my body"
and the covers lift from my bed and my eyes open in terror
as i see him standing there
"well i coudln't dare leave you alone in your bed now, could i?"

i blink twice as if i'm trying to wake from a dream and before i am able to speak and ask how or what or why
he leans down and kisses me
at first my lips tense up but then relax as i realize he really is in my room and the how's and why's no longer matter
my hand reaches up to the back of his head as my tongue pushes into his mouth and my moan buzzes through my tongue onto his and i pull him into my bed
we start kissing more and then he pulls back and says

"let me watch"

i smile and nod and close my eyes again and continue what i was doing
my fingers go back to my nipples and i start carressing them
teasing each one as though he would
i put my fingers in my mouth and then glide them over my nipples
as though it were his tongue licking me
my hands then wander down my body
down my stomach and then over my freshly shaved pussy
i put a hand on each lip and spread them wide so he can see the wetness
my eyes still closed
i hear him say "holy shit look at that wetness"

i don't notice him removing his clothes
i continue what i'm doing and start teasing my clit with one hand
and then grab the toy with the other
i tease my vibe up and down my slit
rubbing it right next to my pussy hole
teasing myself over and over and over
and then as i start to slide it in me
i feel his hand on the vibe and i let my grip go
my free hand goes to my nipples and the other remains on my clit
and i feel him start sliding the toy in and out
deep long strokes
all the way in to the base of the vibe
and then slowly all the way out
gripping my pussy down, trying to hold it in...
but he's relentless and pulls it out
i try to grind on it making him go faster, harder
but he pushes my hips down and says
"i had to listen to you get yourself off in the shower, it's my time to tease you"

he continues slowly sliding my toy in and out and then turns the vibration on higher and i open my eyes just for a moment to see how rock hard he is and i close my eyes again and i begin to feel the tingles even more

i begin to rub my clit in circles a bit harder and i feel the orgasm building again and he sees it in my face and i feel the toy drop on the floor and he says
"oh no...ur not coming without me this time"
and in one motion he is on top of me
and his cock slides in easily
and is instantly covered in my sopping pussy
"holy shit your pussy is so hot and wet" he grunts
and my hands go on his hips and i start begging him to fuck me harder and harder
his balls make a slapping sound and our bodies are melting together as he drives in and out of me harder and harder
i hear him whisper
"look at me"
and my eyes open and i look him dead in the eyes as i feel his cock swelling and my pussy wrapping tighter and tighter around it
he doesn't say a word to me but i know what he's asking
and i nod my head and smile
and as i hear him grunting louder and louder my orgasm overtakes me
and my body jerks as my pussy clamps hard around his pulsing cock and he shoots load after load of his hot creamy cum deep inside me
my hands fall on the sheets and pull them tight as another wave overcomes me
and my eyes close again
him still inside me
and his body relaxes ontop of me
and i feel his warm lips on mine.....
his softening cock still inside me
and as he rolls off of me i look over to the table and see my spare key sitting there

"you really need to find a better hiding spot for that thing" he quips

steve on the brain

2005-11-30T07:26:00.000-06:00

...
this part sucks
the getting over someone part
i hate it
i haven't heard from him since everything ended
so i'm sure he's fine with everything but part of me wishes he wasn't
or at least that he was struggling a bit with it or still thought of me or something

stupid things remind me of him

*the mcdonalds i got this morning reminded me of the breakfasts we used to have together
*the country station i programmed on my radio cuz he always listened to it in my car
*then i must have heard his name 5 times last night
*and i put away blankets at work last night...the same ones he and i used to cuddle under

all these dumb little things did mean the world to me even though i'm the one that in the end thought we should part

this part is the worst

i know many friends that don't allow themselves to feel through this part
they start dating right again
or party a lot
anything to not think of it

but instead i'm just letting myself go through the process

i had a conversation with one of the men i work with last night
he's in his 50s and was stating he's deemed to be a single man know and has come to terms with that thought and i quipped back that maybe i too was deemed to be single
and he looked at me and smiled
"oh no dearie, you are far too young to count yourself out yet"

so i just sit here and wait now for all these memories to finally filter through
and for the attachments to finally lesson

and all this real life junk wasn't meant to be in this blog
but i suppose even real life mumbo jumbo stuff gets mixed in here as well

i may have to dig into my past to pull out some sex stories before this blog turns into my every day life one...

or at least conjure up some fantasies

an attempt to explain

2005-11-29T13:11:00.000-06:00

...
i understand why i got those comments
and yes "hd" was not the best relationship i ever had but i truly did not want anything from him in that moment...
all i wanted was to give a bj and i knew he'd be a good candidate.
now that may sound weird and people can look down on me for that if they want but that's truly all i wanted and he and i have a huge history especially in that category and i knew he was my safe bet...
i'd get what i wanted and he'd leave without getting another emotional part of me...
bjs i can detach myself from....
i enjoy giving them, i love giving them....but there is no attachemnt there
but receiving and kissing and sex in general...it all has some sort of an emotional connection that goes along with it and to be quite honest, he's gotten way too much of my emotion over the last years...

don't get me wrong...i can kiss someone and have sex with someone and not fall in love with them or get all attached or anything but there is definitely an exchange of emotional energy that goes along with it...at least on my end.

so i guess in that situation, if anyone was to be deemed the asshole, it would be me
i used him for what i wanted
my terms
my time
and when i was done
he was gone

open wide

2005-11-28T09:50:00.000-06:00

...
last night at around 10:30pm my cellphone started buzzing on the table
text message

"where are you?"

it was hd...
my phone rang soon after and he asked where i was and what i was doing
i knew what he was looking for and i should have said no
but i gave in and wasn't about to self-analyze myself on reasons why either.

i heard a knock on my door a few minutes later and as i opened the door and saw him standing there...i realized how different he looked
older
tired

heavier

not the young sexy robust guy i once knew
life had taken it's toll

i gave him a tour of the new place and we soon found ourselves in a familiar spot...him naked on my bed and me next to him rubbing his warm skin

when i started to touch his stomach, i looked down and he was already rock hard

he put his hand onto my head and playfully started pushing me down and i licked his cock all over, covering it before slowly starting to put it in my mouth...

"hd" is the biggest guy i've been with and i have a difficult time taking him deep. he's the only one i can't deep throat....
i'd be able to do it if he wasn't so thick
but thick and long at the same time is not so easy to swallow (literally)

i tried my best and he kept pushing my head down further which made me gag but even though my eyes were watering, i didn't stop.....

he kept mumbling
"oh fuck yeah rae keep doing that"

and i went into some robotic mode of wanting to make him cum
so i kept sucking and sucking and sucking

the next thing i know, he grabbed my hair and pulled me off his cock and he started spurting shot after shot of his hot cum all over my face and tongue

i cleaned off what i could with my tongue and then cleaned off his cock the same way

and after a few moments of recovering, he got up, got dressed and was out the door

just like always

i was beginning to wonder if i could still perform oral well since it had been so long
but as he walked out the door he said
"you still got it rae.... you still got it"

karma and bad dreams

2005-11-27T15:58:00.000-06:00

...
found my old "puddle of mudd" cd and decided to pop it in as i write this entry
my ex-fiance gave me this cd ages ago when we were happily involved and he said i could listen to it when i was having an "angry day" as he called them.
i'm not much of an angry person but i too have my moments and when i get that way, i love to pop in an "angry" cd and scream along to it in my car. it's one of my favorite things to do...the song "she fucking hates me" is one of my favorites on it and it makes me laugh cuz i doubt he ever thought i'd listen to it now with him in mind...at least not that way.
but in the end it all works out. i had the cutest boy ever who was burried with my name alone, and i have about 50 of his favorite cds.... isn't karma a bitch?

last night i had a dream about scuba steve and it was one of those dreams where we got back together and he told me everything was a mistake and he loved me and wanted to be with me and i was crying in the dream and he kissed me and i felt so much better and then i woke up...to an empty bed, empty apartment and realized it was only my heart expressing itself through my dreams..
i'm actually doing better with the breakup then i thought i would but dreams like that definitely do NOT help.

i'm not going to go see seth now afterall...he picked up another trip so our plans have been put on hold so i decided to change my work schedule around to accomodate me better...so now i have tonight off and i'm looking forward to relaxing and getting some yummy food...

i'm curious to see where this new single path will take me. will i venture forth onto craig's list again? will i just hold off for a while? will i call old flames up? right now i'm just in stall mode...waiting for something, just not sure what.

but i definitely miss sex, giving bjs, kissing, cuddling...
i've thought about placing an ad just to make out with someone and no sex
i wonder if i'd get any responses back on that one

old flames

2005-11-25T12:19:00.000-06:00

...
next weekend i am headed over to visit an ex of mine who is a truck driver but will be making a pit stop in a nearby state for a couple days.
i haven't seen him physically in almost two years now so that will certainly be interesting.
we dated only a few months shortly after i got pregnant and the father of my baby left me.
he was great during the whole thing and i couldn't believe he'd want to be with someone carrying another man's child. but he ended up moving and the distance and emotional toil of everything got to be too extreme and he ended up breaking up with me in an email on easter sunday.
breakups always suck but an email breakup is definitely a shitty way of doing things so take note on that guys.
things ended rather badly and we didn't talk for a long time but slowly the friendship has started building again and we are talking on a semi-regular basis.
while we were together, he was amazing....and did some amazingly romantic things for me and to this day is the only ex i am friends with and on top of that the only ex who still has things in my place that he's given to me.
i don't keep things around...memories of break ups and men that were in my life
when the engagement was off with the baby's father, i got rid of the ring and all the cards he'd ever given me and anything reminding me of him
and that's how i've been with every guy
scuba steve's presense is no longer noticeable in my apartment
everything gone
vanished like it never happened
but that's how i function...that's how i deal with things
if someone doesn't want to be in my life, then i can do the very same thing and erase them from mine.
but seth's stuff stayed around....he is the only one.

so next week i'll be hanging out with him and am curious how fuzzy the friend line will be and if things will be different now, two years later....will we fall back into place? will things be confused?

i still think about scuba steve
if i made a mistake
but he has made no effort to reconcile so i feel the decision i made was right for me
even right decisions can be hard

but the sexual mojo is coming back again and i played last night and the orgasm outweighed everything else and as the toy slipped back out of my pussy and i looked down at it and saw it covered in my wet cum, i closed my eyes and sighed

belated b-day

2005-11-22T22:43:00.000-06:00

...
started flipping through old entries tonight
and just realized i missed my blog's birthday
it's so strange looking back on all that's happened in my sexual life
all in one year....
lots of adventures

my copmuter is up and running again
and i spent the last hour catching up on blogs
and searching things i had written down in my scraggly journal i carry with me
and my back is sore and my fingers are creaky and it feels great to be back online again

i have chosen to NOT go into details of the breakup and whys and hows and such
that will not be open for public display but i am indeed single again
but not really searching for anything not just yet

"ll" did contact me tonight and said he'd like to chat tomorrow
but i never hold my breath with him

so single rae strikes again

library love

2005-11-22T22:32:00.000-06:00

11/22/05
...
as i sat at the library fulfilling my internet responsibilities, i came upon the following conclusions:

first and foremost, we all deserve to be loved
and in addition to that, that feeling is what keeps our hearts beating above survival mode

i looked at the girl accross from me, reading an email with big eyes
and an occassional smile came accross her lips
the feeling of wanting and being wanted were evident
and it showed in her entire being

and then there was the man next to me
so oblivious to his own surroundings
so absorbed by the tiny exchange of letters and symbols going accross his screen
so much so that any annoyance he was causing on my end had no effect on the feelings of being wanted on his end
so content was he with this exchange with a stranger on his screen
that my entire world of existence meant nothing to him

i must admit, i sat there wondering if this woman on the other end knew what she was really dealing with
this man may have sounded great on a one-dimmensional level
but she couldn't see him jamming with his cd next to me
she couldn't possibly know that his music was entirely too loud
that he couldn't sing
that his idea of rhythm was found somewhere between soul train and mc hammer
and that he was audibly presenting her number to the entire library world as he eagerly searched for a piece of paper

but then i wondered
even if she knew all those things
would it have mattered?

new face

2005-11-21T14:49:00.000-06:00

...
was listening to a song today on the way to the library and he talked about changing his name and getting a new face so i thought it an appropriate title.
i still have no computer but will be visiting my folks for the holiday so thought i'd make a short update here and then go on a blog frenzy when i have their place to myself for 3 days.

the following is a list of updates/info in a short but sweet manner

1. scuba steve and i are no longer together
2. we did have sex before the final break-up
3. i was in the emergency room today due to complications i was having with a medical condition i have been blessed with
4. i am not currently looking for a relationship or sexual buddy
5. i have temporarily lost my sexual mojo
6. the spam comments and tags were getting on my nerves so i changed things up
7. i was able to talk on the phone with an old friend the other day
8. i'm going on a road trip in a few weeks to visit an ex of mine

the end

spot be gone

2005-11-08T10:17:00.000-06:00

...
while here at my parent's house, i have been taking advantage of the internet
searching
blogging here and my personal blog
surfing
music
and cleaning my internet past up
i went through my email account and deleted deleted deleted
old emails
old paths of looking for my lover
old pictures
memories
be gone spot

and then onto my yahoo list
"sg" has been removed for a while now
but others have now followed

"chicago hookup" has been removed from my life
he never talked to me again after we met up

"oral man" has also been removed
another man who has been with me for it only to turn weird

5 maybe 6 others deleted

and it felt good
feels like it could help me break from that pattern
the pattern of the "one night stand"
which i loathe more than anything
but somehow it still found me

maybe i'll have to start a secret society
for those who can enter my inner sanctum
i better get to work on the secret handshake

math gone bad

2005-11-06T16:37:00.000-06:00

october 21st
november 6th
=
16 days
=
frustrated rae

flashback

2005-11-06T16:24:00.000-06:00

...
earlier today my mother and i did some errands.
we were sitting in her car talking about what i was going to make for dinner when my phone started buzzing.
i looked at the caller id and i felt my heart stop and she said "who is it?"
i held the phone up to her so she could see the caller id flashing and she said
"why on EARTH is he calling you?"

i didn't answer but listened to the message
"hey it's me...call me"

the last phone call i got from him was a month back when he left a long message on how he had been out helping the hurricane victims and how it made him realize just how good he had it and how he had taken a lot of things for granted including me. he left the message sitting outside of my old apartment, not knowing i had moved....

i listened to the message over and over again hearing the sorrow in his voice and for one moment thought maybe things had changed.

i called him and he asked if he could stop by later to talk about things and then never showed up nor called me until today.

i realized then that things really hadn't changed and he was still up to his same tricks.

my mom kept asking me what i was thinking about
"are you thinking about him?"
"you still aren't over him are you?"
"that guy was such an ass to you and ......."

i was listening to her but i really couldn't say anything back.

i wouldn't say that i'm not over him but whenever he does call, it brings back all the memories...yes all the bad ones, but the good ones too.
and everytime i hear his voice it makes me remember....

he was the first man i fell in love with
the first man i slept with
the first man i saw a future with
the first man that lied, cheated and hurt me
the first man that broke my heart

and no matter how much time passes, the moment i hear his voice...i remember

after listening to the voicemail, i turned my phone back off and put it in my purse

"i hope you never let that guy back into your life" she said

"i know mom.....i know"

on hiatus

2005-11-06T16:21:00.000-06:00

...
i've been using an old laptop in place of my pc that has been at my friend's house for over 2 months waiting to be fixed.
the laptop finally quit on me and now i'm left without a computer or internet connection to my name.
i suppose i could go to the library but that's too much work for me.....
but am up at my family's place so am taking the opportunity to catch up on a few emails and to make the announcement that my blog will be vacant until i have a computer to my name again.

so play nice and those of you who blog, blog on and i shall return hopefully soon.

wanting

2005-11-03T09:32:00.000-06:00

...
i will not cave
i will not initiate

i will not bite my lip
or make "fuck me" eyes
or pout my lips

i will not kiss the corners of his mouth
or lick his ear

i will not sigh deep in his ear when he hugs me
or put my hand a little too high on his thigh

i will not brush up against him
or cross my legs over his in bed

i will not press my face up close to his
touch his nose
and look him in the eyes

i will not pursue
i will not
i will not
i will not

and how did i just get horny from writing that?

sigh