Secrets Untold

strolling down memory lane

2006-11-30T10:50:00.000-06:00

...
this morning as i sat on my steps having my morning ciggie (and freezing by the way), for some reason this blog popped in my head and with it a bunch of my memories followed....

i had quite a journey through this blog...chatting with fellow bloggers and even meeting a few of them....

i thought of chicago hook-up and our make-out session that occurred and oral man...and how now i live probably within a 20 minute drive of him.

i thought of some of the phone calls and desires to meet a few people that fell through......

shy guy and lou and others.....

and "new guy"

what happened to them...what are they doing now....any new adventures of their own?

and now my life is so different from when i first started this thing......
but a few entries from an old friend's blog reminded me the stir is still inside me.....

is this thing on?

2006-10-24T14:02:00.000-05:00

...
so today for some strange reason i found myself looking at blogs which i haven't done in gosh 6 months or so and then i remembered i used to have one of those things and i decided to try and find my way back on and after a few attempts of wrong user names and passwords, i got back on.....
and it feels strange to be here yet somewhat familiar........
and i know my audience is probably way long gone but i didn't start this for them in the first place so once again it can be my secret place....

some things have changed for this girl.

i have moved in with my boyfriend.....and am now living in the northern part of il ...chicago to be exact and have started a new job which i so far hate but hopefully will grow into and life is grown up and changing now.

its strange but wonderful to be in the same house as him and after we just had a small romp in the office, i can say things are still working in that department too......

i have storries and now a place i can come back to and share them......

why is it so difficult

2006-05-09T20:47:00.000-05:00

...
to keep this thing updated?
i remember when i used to write in here almost every single day
now almost a month goes by between each post.....
so instead of saying "oh my life is different now, i'm boring now"
whatever.....
i'll just post.

first off..... if mister 5.25 still checks back here
yes i remember you
and if you'd like to chat......
i'm still on yahoo under my phone_loving_rae76
id
so you can hit me up there if you like.

....
and i have to give a shout out to mister "new guy" who had a birthday a while back ....
happy happy love!

so how am i?

things are going pretty well....
i'm still with my man (i know amazing isn't it?)
and talk now is of me getting out of here by the end of the year and (drum roll please) moving to chicago!!!
and yes the plan is to be moving in with him....

it has not been an easy journey at all....
long-distance can be really difficult and it's been what 4 weeks since i've seen him now, but it's been so good to take things slow and to not be so worried about the outcome, and everytime we are together it just fits and everything falls back into place.

is he the one for me?
i dunno, but i know i can see myself with him.
no there are no rings and wedding bells yet, but when i think of a man that can handle me....he fits the mold.

i was watching sex and the city last night and they were talking about two types of females...the simple ones and the complex ones
and i am definitely of the complex variety

and i know being in a relationship with me is anything but simple, but i'm sure there are some benefits in there somewhere as well...
i mean, i CAN deepthroat
that's good right? :-)

and onto the sex part

my toy collection grows more and more and my inhibitions fall less and less and he makes me feel confident in myself in my body and in my sexual conquests....

it's amazing being comfortable with myself sexually and to be with someone that not only appreciates it but encourages it....

i mean who would have thought i would one day find myself on the edge of the bathtub straddling my suction-based dildo, riding it up and down while my boyfriend jerked off....

.....

so as i was saying

2006-03-13T14:56:00.000-06:00

...
a few days ago i bumped into an online friend of mine and we exchanged hellos and pleasantries and i spoke on how my blog has pretty much been abandoned. i still write, but not on here.... and not about my sexual adventures but of my everyday life and feel that "phone_loving_rae" is gradually well, not disappearing, but not being so evident as she used to be.

she was a big part of my life...this blog was a big part of my life and exploring my sexual adventures. i was unattached and beyond that, letting myself dive into my desires. i really have no regrets of the men i've met and the things i've experienced but my life is in a different direction now.

i have an AMAZING boyfriend that i love and my goals now involve finishing school and moving in with him....not looking for phone sex or a quick lay.

am i getting old? maybe
is rae settling down?
looks like it
but is my sex drive gone?
no and oh hell no.....

in fact, for whoever cares, we just had sex :-)
and it was amazing
he's amazing

and i'm loved

can you throw that in the wash for me?

2006-02-13T19:19:00.000-06:00

...
i'm up at my guy's place
he's at class right now and here i sit with the 2 dogs and the new pup...
i drove up today just for the night and my little boquet of valentine balloons and candy sits on the desk and makes me smile...
tonight as we were standing in the kitchen he hugged me and said
"well seeing you for a bit is better than not seeing you at all, and i get to see that smiling face of yours."

and as he hugged me i couldn't help but wonder if this is the guy....
it's such a strange place to be in
i haven't been here in such a long time
scuba steve and i never materialized
i think i knew that from the beginning but it didn't matter
and before him?
one really bad relationship and some flings....

but to be in a spot where i can picture my life with this man
i think "who me?"
phone loving rae???

but then as his hands trailed down my body and inbetween my legs i flashed back to an hour before

me on his bed naked and he between my legs, holding them spread wide as he pounded my puss with first 2 fingers then 3 then 4 and then my favorite dildo
the more i moved and moaned and groaned, the harder he got
and this time when i squirted, it was all over his shirt and some on his face and mine
and i could literally see just how much he turns me on

he got on his back and i straddled him and wrapped my mouth tight around his shaft as his hands reached out to trace the lace around my bra
when he was nice and hard, his cock slipped from my lips and i got on my knees next to him, put one foot flat on the bed and started fucking my pussy with my fingers.
his hand immediately went to his shaft and he stared at my puss watching my fingers get more and more wet and then i strattled his leg and continued fucking my pussy, the juice running down my fingers and onto his leg ....
as i got close, i burried my face into his neck and moaned in his ear as i came and came hard......
fingers soaked with juice i crawled back down to his cock, wrapped my fingers around his shaft and started stroking him hard and fast
the other hand slipped my bra off and i started smacking the head of his cock on my nipples.....
we locked eyes as i started sliding it between my titties and within a few seconds his cum was spurting out all over them
eyes locked on eyes

and back to about 15 minutes ago, i picked up the soaked shirt that was still on the floor and threw it in the wash and think "maybe this guy really is the one"

temporary love

2006-02-10T07:17:00.000-06:00

...
i used to walk around as though the love i found would be but a fleeting moment. my heart and mind would become filled with all these doubts and i'd find myself trying to protect it so much that i couldn't even enjoy it. i was so afraid to lose it that i would never hold it, never breathe it in, never embrace it...
the desire to stay safe and happy became my obsession and love itself was not pleasurable but full of fear and resentment.

and then not too far back in the past, a tiny 1 lb. baby was born and i watched him struggle and eventually lose his fight to live and my heart was full of such love for him that even when i knew he was going to be gone from me, even when i knew it would be love for a moment, the love was anything but temporary and i plunged myself into every moment and every feeling even knowing the horrific broken heart that was waiting for me...

and when i sit in my pile of photographs and memories and the emotions of loss become so overwhelming i can smile in the fact that i was swallowed up in love and lived through it...

and now a year after he's passed, i still have moments where i'm tempted to protect, tempted to hide and then i look at his photo on my desk and remember to live in presense and in the present... live in the moment. love in the moment....

loss is inevitable
pain is inevitable
will ed break my heart
will our love be a temporary one?

i do not know...
but until that moment happens
i will not live as though it is temporary
but i will embrace it
live in it
and love it

accent found

2006-02-06T14:03:00.000-06:00

i'm up in the northern part of il seeing my guy and it's funny how quickly my accent comes back. now when i return back to my apartment tomorrow, i know all my friends will tease me when they hear that accent again. i like being up here. reminds me of home........

things are going well with the new beau
and it's amazing how different the relationship is then when i dated scuba steve....
ed puts effort into it and i feel like i'm in a real adult relationship and not one where i carry all the weight...
and i have a TON of sexual stories i'm just not sure how to fit them all in...

but one small tidbit?

he bought me a lovely 8" dildo that is nice and thick and i love it
and the other night he brought out a big mirror and had me hold it so i could see him pound my puss nice and hard. i had never seen what my puss looks like being pounded before and it was an INCREDIBLE experience....
i could see my puss open up and stretch and clamp down and i could see the wetness building and dripping and as he went harder and harder, i could see my titties bounce in the mirror as well. and when i finally came....i came so hard that i squirted all over the mirror and some even hit my face and then i panted and shook until i finally came back down to earth. it was quite amazing.....

meet the parents

2006-01-23T10:11:00.000-06:00

...
i'm probably one of the few, but i must say i am not a fan of the movie "meet the parents".
i remember sitting in the theatre feeling awkward and nervous for him and embarrassed beyond belief. it was uncomfortable and i looked around and saw all my friend's laughing when all i wanted to do was leave....

you couldn't pay me to see that movie again.

...
my phone rang yesterday around 8:45am
"i'm here...you gonna come pick me up?"
"i thought we said 9:15"
"yeah yeah but i'm here now, come get me"
"i'm on my way" i say....." hold tight"

i call to my mom
"mom i'm headed out to pick him up... i'll be back"

i get in my car and drive to our meeting point. i figured it would be easier then making him drive in a city he's not familiar with... i could just picture it (turn left here, turn right at the arbys then go down and then pass the.....)

we talk every day and i see him as often as possible but i still get butterflies in my stomach when my car pulls in the driveway and i see his truck in the parking lot.

i park my car and walk up to his truck and he gets out
(he's so handsome) i think to myself
and when he hugs me, i'm comforted by his smell....

we smile and a kiss is exchanged but nothing else
he doesn't say
i don't say
but i know i'm nervous
i wonder if he is....

we get to my parent's house and i give him the tour and he sees all the embarrassing photos of me as a kid...including my senior photo with me and all my massive curls and my french horn. it's classic i tell you...just classic.

my mom comes down and the introductions enfold
"mom this is ed...ed this is mom"
and pleasentries are exchanged

he and i sit in the living room while she goes in to call my father
a few moments she comes back out
"i hate these hospital numbers..i can't get through to your father's room"
"i'll do it mom"

i get up and call the hospital and a few minutes later i hear his voice
"hellooooo"
it trails off in this weak pant and my heart sinks

"hey bucko, how you feeling?"
"hold on a second rae, let me lay back down....."
"sure thing dad"
i hear him set the phone down and a few grunts and pants later, he picks the phone up again
"hi" he sighs
"hey dad...how you feeling?"
"oh you know....same thing different day"
we talk a little and then i hand the phone to my mom
i go sit next to ed and without blinking he kisses my cheek and takes my hand
and i sigh

"i wish he could be here with us today" i say
"i know baby" he smiles

we get to the church a few minutes later and i do my godmother duties as my nephew gets baptized and the emotion is mixed of happiness and wishing dad could be with us.

as we got to my brother's house, i watched ed with my family...and i sat back and saw him fit right in with them. there he was talking to my grandmother and aunt and my brother's friends and it was as though he had already been here....

he got the drills from my family and he passed every question with flying colors and as we sat on the couch and his arm was around me, i felt so relaxed and proud to be with him...proud to show my family who i was with.

as we got ready to leave, my sister-in-law stretched out her hand and said
"it was nice to meet you"
"you too amy"
"maybe we'll see you again" she smiled
"oh you will... you definitely will"

and out we went...

we drove to the hospital and walked into my dad's room hand in hand
"sorry i can't do a song and dance for you" my dad smiled in his weakened state
"i expect a raincheck"

we all talked for a few minutes
i gave my dad a kiss on the cheek
"i'll see you tomorrow dad"

i drove him back to his truck
we kissed and hugged
"thank you for today....you were great"
"so were you...thanks for letting me come"

"i'll see you tomorrow...after i see my dad i'll head up to chicago"
"it will be great sleeping next to you again baby"
"i know......"

another kiss was exchanged and his car went one way and mine the other.....

and as i sit and type this i have butterflies again knowing i'll soon be back with him in his arms

and real life really doesn't have to be like the movies :-)

an old friend

2006-01-18T07:26:00.000-06:00

...
i put this blog to rest for a while for a combination of reastons
mainly that i didn't feel i had much to write
i was getting tired of writing
and my everyday personal life was needing attention

but somehow i have found my way back
back to an old friend
maybe temporarily
maybe permanently
i'm not sure yet

but for right now, here i am....

i haven't had sex in i'm not even sure how long now...
months....

but i am seeing someone
have been since before christmas but haven't talked about it for once again a few reasons
1. i wasn't so sure if i was ready to start dating again after steve
2. i wasn't quite sure how it would all pan out
3. i just didn't feel like explaining it all

but the more time passes, the more i realize it's coming upon the time where i shouldn't hide it anymore...

it's not like he's some horrible person that i'm ashamed of but he's definitely not someone i would have pictured me dating...

he's older than me (by 20 years)
he is shorter than me
smaller than me
and he lives about 3 hours from me

but his name was given to me by a friend
and on a fluke i said he could call me
and we met and have been meeting now for over a month...

we haven't slept together and for the first time, that has felt like a blessing.
i'm just enjoying him
he's enjoying me
and we are seeing where this may lead us

but i must say that waking up next to him in bed has been an amazing feeling

and the kisses aren't so bad either

past meet present meet confusion

2005-12-16T06:55:00.000-06:00

at around 11pm last night, i was dead asleep in my bed...
wrapped neatly and tightly in a collection of blankets
i was woken by the buzzing buzzing vibration of my phone

i squinted my eyes a few times and held the phone up to my face
"hd"
i figured it was a booty call and since i was in no mindset for that, i thought of turning over and going back to sleep but something inside me made me hesitate and i picked up the phone and answered.

all i heard was static at first and then
"rach rach, are you there?"
"hey yeah what's up? what's with all the static?"
"oh i'm outside....do you have a gas can?"
"ummm no. what's going on?"
"well i'm out here with the boys...for hockey practice and now my car won't start and i don't know if it's no gas or if its the battery or what..."
"rach can you..."
"i'll be right there"

i jumped out of bed, through on a bra and extra sweatshirt, grabbed my keys and phone and headed out the door.
as i pulled down the dark street leading up to the park, i saw them....
"hd" in the middle and his two boys on each side of him.
and with the combination of the dark street and the snow, they looked like they belonged in a movie...

i stopped in the street and opened my doors and they all crawled in

"oooooo it's so warm!" one of the boys said, and his hands were instantly in the waves of the heat.

"hd" sat in the front seat and grabbed my arm
"thank you for this"

i drove them to a gas station and the oldest boy stayed in the car with me as the details were taken care of with "hd" and the other

and there i sat, talking with him like it was old times....
even though i hadn't seen the boys since the big split over a year ago now
we talked about the changes in his life, the problems with school, his issues with his father and why i no longer was in contact with them...

the whole ordeal was over in about 1 hour
gas tank, that heat stuff, and some gas...

and soon the boys were back in their dad's car and on their way safe and sound...

and just as they were about to pull away "hd" rolled down the window and said "hey, add the little punk back on your messenger list would you? i know he'd love to talk to you...."
and with that a huge smile went on his oldest son's face and the moment was completely peaceful.

after i was back home and back in my car i got one more buzz
"thank you so much for this...i know no matter what our future is, i'll always have one true friend"

and with that the horrible past and confusion we had and all the lies and emotion slipped away and i felt like we were back at square one.

is it possible to be friends with my first broken heart

i guess we'll find out

down to business

2005-12-08T05:52:00.000-06:00

i started getting ready for work last night at around 8:45pm
i like to leave my place by 9:30 9:40 at the latest, to give me enough time to get to work and get settled before clocking in

as i started getting ready i realized i hadn't gotten myself off in a few days and thought it would be a good time to "pop one off" real quick since i was basically ready to go by 9pm

i pulled off my pants and crawled in bed and grabbed my toy and went to work

i rubbed it on my clit, teased myself on my slit and then slowly slid my toy deep in

my usual routine

it felt amazing but for some reason i couldn't get myself "there"

i closed my eyes and started focusing on different fantasies and the last time i was fucked good and tried to grasp onto anything to get me there

names started scrolling down my list

oral man
lou
scuba steve
hd
j

jumping from scene to scene and image to image and still nothing

i looked at my clock

9:30

"i'll leave in ten minutes" i thought
plenty of time

so i started scrolling down more of my list

ll
new guy
mt
sj

and i looked at my watch again
9:40

"ok ok 5 more minutes"
and i closed my eyes and started going harder and faster
concentrating on getting myself over

9:45pm
at this time i was bound and determined
i didn't care how long it took me
i was getting myself off damnit!

finally i focused on someone i've never fucked and never even thought of fucking and for some reason the newness of it all sent me over and at approximately 9:55pm last night i FINALLY had an orgasm.

as soon as it finished i said "finally!!!"
and picked up my phone and called work

"hey it's me, i'm gonna be a bit late...i was having some car problems"

i put my pants on and was out the door at 10pm and on my way

song depicting mood

2005-11-30T16:29:00.000-06:00

rufus wainright sings

"i don't want somebody to love me just give me sex whenever i want it...cuz all i ask for is instant pleasure
instant pleasure
instant pleasure"
...

and a fantasy enfolds

i send him an email telling him how the thought of him turns me on and how it makes me want to go play and how i wish he was in my room waiting for me once i got out of the shower.
i hit send...log off and walk into my bedroom
i turn on the table lamp and drop my clothes on the floor and grab a towel
i go into the bathroom and close the door and turn the water on
the heat starts steaming the mirror and soon the room is full of damp smoky steam
i look at my body and i see the moisture forming and know the shower is ready for me
i turn the light on dim and drop the towel and open the shower door
the steam envelops me and i let out a long sigh as the hot water touches me
it burns with heat but instantly relaxes all my muscles and i close my eyes and let it wash over me
i stand under the water and let it run over my nipples and the water dances off them playfully touching and teasing them and they begin to harden
my hands start reaching in the darkened shower with my eyes remaining closed and i find the soap and start lathering my body
it feels amazing...smooth, warm and i start moaning softly being turned on by my own touch

i hear a noise in the kitchen and open my eyes momentarily and then dismiss it as a fallen popcan or some misguided pen on my desk

i go back to my shower and start lathering my legs
long slow strokes of hot soapy water up and down my legs
covering every inch down to my toes

and i put one foot up on the tub as i start going up my inner thigh
teasing myself up higher and higher and then slowly dragging the washcloth over my pussy
soaking it and lathering it up
i put more soap on the cloth and soon my pussy is covered in thick warm soap
i reach back and grab my shaver and slowly and oh so carefully start shaving the lips of my pussy
long slow strokes and then ease in a bit more inside and then accross and shave my pussy smooth
the feeling sends tingles over my body and with the last stroke i drop the shaver and i let out a loud moan as i plunge 3 fingers deep inside me

my eyes close again and my foot remains on the tub and i start going harder and harder as my free hand presses up against the glass
and i start thinking of him and moaning and saying his name
and the noise sounds again but this time i don't even hear it
i am lost in my own feeling
and as the orgasm overcomes me and my pussy clamps down around my fingers, i know i need more
i crave more

i finish my shower and grab my towel and wrap it around my wet quivering body
and i enter my room once more with the table light casting a soft glow
and i open the drawer and grab my toy
i open the back slip out the deadend batteries and open a fresh pack
i drop my towel on the floor and crawl under the covers
the cold sheets touch my skin and my nipples harden instantly
i close my eyes and lay the toy next to me and start touching my body
immagining a warm touch, warm fingers tracing every inch of me
exploring every inch of my now flushed skin
my fingers find my erect nipples and i glide over them
and soon my fingers no longer feel like mine but his
he's exploring me
every soft spot
every curve
the places that make me moan
the places that make me giggle
the places that make my toes curl

i say his name in a pleading way
and with my eyes closed i don't even notice the shadowy figure approaching my bed
my lips open and i say "please....please touch my body"
and the covers lift from my bed and my eyes open in terror
as i see him standing there
"well i coudln't dare leave you alone in your bed now, could i?"

i blink twice as if i'm trying to wake from a dream and before i am able to speak and ask how or what or why
he leans down and kisses me
at first my lips tense up but then relax as i realize he really is in my room and the how's and why's no longer matter
my hand reaches up to the back of his head as my tongue pushes into his mouth and my moan buzzes through my tongue onto his and i pull him into my bed
we start kissing more and then he pulls back and says

"let me watch"

i smile and nod and close my eyes again and continue what i was doing
my fingers go back to my nipples and i start carressing them
teasing each one as though he would
i put my fingers in my mouth and then glide them over my nipples
as though it were his tongue licking me
my hands then wander down my body
down my stomach and then over my freshly shaved pussy
i put a hand on each lip and spread them wide so he can see the wetness
my eyes still closed
i hear him say "holy shit look at that wetness"

i don't notice him removing his clothes
i continue what i'm doing and start teasing my clit with one hand
and then grab the toy with the other
i tease my vibe up and down my slit
rubbing it right next to my pussy hole
teasing myself over and over and over
and then as i start to slide it in me
i feel his hand on the vibe and i let my grip go
my free hand goes to my nipples and the other remains on my clit
and i feel him start sliding the toy in and out
deep long strokes
all the way in to the base of the vibe
and then slowly all the way out
gripping my pussy down, trying to hold it in...
but he's relentless and pulls it out
i try to grind on it making him go faster, harder
but he pushes my hips down and says
"i had to listen to you get yourself off in the shower, it's my time to tease you"

he continues slowly sliding my toy in and out and then turns the vibration on higher and i open my eyes just for a moment to see how rock hard he is and i close my eyes again and i begin to feel the tingles even more

i begin to rub my clit in circles a bit harder and i feel the orgasm building again and he sees it in my face and i feel the toy drop on the floor and he says
"oh no...ur not coming without me this time"
and in one motion he is on top of me
and his cock slides in easily
and is instantly covered in my sopping pussy
"holy shit your pussy is so hot and wet" he grunts
and my hands go on his hips and i start begging him to fuck me harder and harder
his balls make a slapping sound and our bodies are melting together as he drives in and out of me harder and harder
i hear him whisper
"look at me"
and my eyes open and i look him dead in the eyes as i feel his cock swelling and my pussy wrapping tighter and tighter around it
he doesn't say a word to me but i know what he's asking
and i nod my head and smile
and as i hear him grunting louder and louder my orgasm overtakes me
and my body jerks as my pussy clamps hard around his pulsing cock and he shoots load after load of his hot creamy cum deep inside me
my hands fall on the sheets and pull them tight as another wave overcomes me
and my eyes close again
him still inside me
and his body relaxes ontop of me
and i feel his warm lips on mine.....
his softening cock still inside me
and as he rolls off of me i look over to the table and see my spare key sitting there

"you really need to find a better hiding spot for that thing" he quips

steve on the brain

2005-11-30T07:26:00.000-06:00

...
this part sucks
the getting over someone part
i hate it
i haven't heard from him since everything ended
so i'm sure he's fine with everything but part of me wishes he wasn't
or at least that he was struggling a bit with it or still thought of me or something

stupid things remind me of him

*the mcdonalds i got this morning reminded me of the breakfasts we used to have together
*the country station i programmed on my radio cuz he always listened to it in my car
*then i must have heard his name 5 times last night
*and i put away blankets at work last night...the same ones he and i used to cuddle under

all these dumb little things did mean the world to me even though i'm the one that in the end thought we should part

this part is the worst

i know many friends that don't allow themselves to feel through this part
they start dating right again
or party a lot
anything to not think of it

but instead i'm just letting myself go through the process

i had a conversation with one of the men i work with last night
he's in his 50s and was stating he's deemed to be a single man know and has come to terms with that thought and i quipped back that maybe i too was deemed to be single
and he looked at me and smiled
"oh no dearie, you are far too young to count yourself out yet"

so i just sit here and wait now for all these memories to finally filter through
and for the attachments to finally lesson

and all this real life junk wasn't meant to be in this blog
but i suppose even real life mumbo jumbo stuff gets mixed in here as well

i may have to dig into my past to pull out some sex stories before this blog turns into my every day life one...

or at least conjure up some fantasies

an attempt to explain

2005-11-29T13:11:00.000-06:00

...
i understand why i got those comments
and yes "hd" was not the best relationship i ever had but i truly did not want anything from him in that moment...
all i wanted was to give a bj and i knew he'd be a good candidate.
now that may sound weird and people can look down on me for that if they want but that's truly all i wanted and he and i have a huge history especially in that category and i knew he was my safe bet...
i'd get what i wanted and he'd leave without getting another emotional part of me...
bjs i can detach myself from....
i enjoy giving them, i love giving them....but there is no attachemnt there
but receiving and kissing and sex in general...it all has some sort of an emotional connection that goes along with it and to be quite honest, he's gotten way too much of my emotion over the last years...

don't get me wrong...i can kiss someone and have sex with someone and not fall in love with them or get all attached or anything but there is definitely an exchange of emotional energy that goes along with it...at least on my end.

so i guess in that situation, if anyone was to be deemed the asshole, it would be me
i used him for what i wanted
my terms
my time
and when i was done
he was gone

open wide

2005-11-28T09:50:00.000-06:00

...
last night at around 10:30pm my cellphone started buzzing on the table
text message

"where are you?"

it was hd...
my phone rang soon after and he asked where i was and what i was doing
i knew what he was looking for and i should have said no
but i gave in and wasn't about to self-analyze myself on reasons why either.

i heard a knock on my door a few minutes later and as i opened the door and saw him standing there...i realized how different he looked
older
tired

heavier

not the young sexy robust guy i once knew
life had taken it's toll

i gave him a tour of the new place and we soon found ourselves in a familiar spot...him naked on my bed and me next to him rubbing his warm skin

when i started to touch his stomach, i looked down and he was already rock hard

he put his hand onto my head and playfully started pushing me down and i licked his cock all over, covering it before slowly starting to put it in my mouth...

"hd" is the biggest guy i've been with and i have a difficult time taking him deep. he's the only one i can't deep throat....
i'd be able to do it if he wasn't so thick
but thick and long at the same time is not so easy to swallow (literally)

i tried my best and he kept pushing my head down further which made me gag but even though my eyes were watering, i didn't stop.....

he kept mumbling
"oh fuck yeah rae keep doing that"

and i went into some robotic mode of wanting to make him cum
so i kept sucking and sucking and sucking

the next thing i know, he grabbed my hair and pulled me off his cock and he started spurting shot after shot of his hot cum all over my face and tongue

i cleaned off what i could with my tongue and then cleaned off his cock the same way

and after a few moments of recovering, he got up, got dressed and was out the door

just like always

i was beginning to wonder if i could still perform oral well since it had been so long
but as he walked out the door he said
"you still got it rae.... you still got it"

karma and bad dreams

2005-11-27T15:58:00.000-06:00

...
found my old "puddle of mudd" cd and decided to pop it in as i write this entry
my ex-fiance gave me this cd ages ago when we were happily involved and he said i could listen to it when i was having an "angry day" as he called them.
i'm not much of an angry person but i too have my moments and when i get that way, i love to pop in an "angry" cd and scream along to it in my car. it's one of my favorite things to do...the song "she fucking hates me" is one of my favorites on it and it makes me laugh cuz i doubt he ever thought i'd listen to it now with him in mind...at least not that way.
but in the end it all works out. i had the cutest boy ever who was burried with my name alone, and i have about 50 of his favorite cds.... isn't karma a bitch?

last night i had a dream about scuba steve and it was one of those dreams where we got back together and he told me everything was a mistake and he loved me and wanted to be with me and i was crying in the dream and he kissed me and i felt so much better and then i woke up...to an empty bed, empty apartment and realized it was only my heart expressing itself through my dreams..
i'm actually doing better with the breakup then i thought i would but dreams like that definitely do NOT help.

i'm not going to go see seth now afterall...he picked up another trip so our plans have been put on hold so i decided to change my work schedule around to accomodate me better...so now i have tonight off and i'm looking forward to relaxing and getting some yummy food...

i'm curious to see where this new single path will take me. will i venture forth onto craig's list again? will i just hold off for a while? will i call old flames up? right now i'm just in stall mode...waiting for something, just not sure what.

but i definitely miss sex, giving bjs, kissing, cuddling...
i've thought about placing an ad just to make out with someone and no sex
i wonder if i'd get any responses back on that one

old flames

2005-11-25T12:19:00.000-06:00

...
next weekend i am headed over to visit an ex of mine who is a truck driver but will be making a pit stop in a nearby state for a couple days.
i haven't seen him physically in almost two years now so that will certainly be interesting.
we dated only a few months shortly after i got pregnant and the father of my baby left me.
he was great during the whole thing and i couldn't believe he'd want to be with someone carrying another man's child. but he ended up moving and the distance and emotional toil of everything got to be too extreme and he ended up breaking up with me in an email on easter sunday.
breakups always suck but an email breakup is definitely a shitty way of doing things so take note on that guys.
things ended rather badly and we didn't talk for a long time but slowly the friendship has started building again and we are talking on a semi-regular basis.
while we were together, he was amazing....and did some amazingly romantic things for me and to this day is the only ex i am friends with and on top of that the only ex who still has things in my place that he's given to me.
i don't keep things around...memories of break ups and men that were in my life
when the engagement was off with the baby's father, i got rid of the ring and all the cards he'd ever given me and anything reminding me of him
and that's how i've been with every guy
scuba steve's presense is no longer noticeable in my apartment
everything gone
vanished like it never happened
but that's how i function...that's how i deal with things
if someone doesn't want to be in my life, then i can do the very same thing and erase them from mine.
but seth's stuff stayed around....he is the only one.

so next week i'll be hanging out with him and am curious how fuzzy the friend line will be and if things will be different now, two years later....will we fall back into place? will things be confused?

i still think about scuba steve
if i made a mistake
but he has made no effort to reconcile so i feel the decision i made was right for me
even right decisions can be hard

but the sexual mojo is coming back again and i played last night and the orgasm outweighed everything else and as the toy slipped back out of my pussy and i looked down at it and saw it covered in my wet cum, i closed my eyes and sighed

belated b-day

2005-11-22T22:43:00.000-06:00

...
started flipping through old entries tonight
and just realized i missed my blog's birthday
it's so strange looking back on all that's happened in my sexual life
all in one year....
lots of adventures

my copmuter is up and running again
and i spent the last hour catching up on blogs
and searching things i had written down in my scraggly journal i carry with me
and my back is sore and my fingers are creaky and it feels great to be back online again

i have chosen to NOT go into details of the breakup and whys and hows and such
that will not be open for public display but i am indeed single again
but not really searching for anything not just yet

"ll" did contact me tonight and said he'd like to chat tomorrow
but i never hold my breath with him

so single rae strikes again

library love

2005-11-22T22:32:00.000-06:00

11/22/05
...
as i sat at the library fulfilling my internet responsibilities, i came upon the following conclusions:

first and foremost, we all deserve to be loved
and in addition to that, that feeling is what keeps our hearts beating above survival mode

i looked at the girl accross from me, reading an email with big eyes
and an occassional smile came accross her lips
the feeling of wanting and being wanted were evident
and it showed in her entire being

and then there was the man next to me
so oblivious to his own surroundings
so absorbed by the tiny exchange of letters and symbols going accross his screen
so much so that any annoyance he was causing on my end had no effect on the feelings of being wanted on his end
so content was he with this exchange with a stranger on his screen
that my entire world of existence meant nothing to him

i must admit, i sat there wondering if this woman on the other end knew what she was really dealing with
this man may have sounded great on a one-dimmensional level
but she couldn't see him jamming with his cd next to me
she couldn't possibly know that his music was entirely too loud
that he couldn't sing
that his idea of rhythm was found somewhere between soul train and mc hammer
and that he was audibly presenting her number to the entire library world as he eagerly searched for a piece of paper

but then i wondered
even if she knew all those things
would it have mattered?

new face

2005-11-21T14:49:00.000-06:00

...
was listening to a song today on the way to the library and he talked about changing his name and getting a new face so i thought it an appropriate title.
i still have no computer but will be visiting my folks for the holiday so thought i'd make a short update here and then go on a blog frenzy when i have their place to myself for 3 days.

the following is a list of updates/info in a short but sweet manner

1. scuba steve and i are no longer together
2. we did have sex before the final break-up
3. i was in the emergency room today due to complications i was having with a medical condition i have been blessed with
4. i am not currently looking for a relationship or sexual buddy
5. i have temporarily lost my sexual mojo
6. the spam comments and tags were getting on my nerves so i changed things up
7. i was able to talk on the phone with an old friend the other day
8. i'm going on a road trip in a few weeks to visit an ex of mine

the end

spot be gone

2005-11-08T10:17:00.000-06:00

...
while here at my parent's house, i have been taking advantage of the internet
searching
blogging here and my personal blog
surfing
music
and cleaning my internet past up
i went through my email account and deleted deleted deleted
old emails
old paths of looking for my lover
old pictures
memories
be gone spot

and then onto my yahoo list
"sg" has been removed for a while now
but others have now followed

"chicago hookup" has been removed from my life
he never talked to me again after we met up

"oral man" has also been removed
another man who has been with me for it only to turn weird

5 maybe 6 others deleted

and it felt good
feels like it could help me break from that pattern
the pattern of the "one night stand"
which i loathe more than anything
but somehow it still found me

maybe i'll have to start a secret society
for those who can enter my inner sanctum
i better get to work on the secret handshake

math gone bad

2005-11-06T16:37:00.000-06:00

october 21st
november 6th
=
16 days
=
frustrated rae

flashback

2005-11-06T16:24:00.000-06:00

...
earlier today my mother and i did some errands.
we were sitting in her car talking about what i was going to make for dinner when my phone started buzzing.
i looked at the caller id and i felt my heart stop and she said "who is it?"
i held the phone up to her so she could see the caller id flashing and she said
"why on EARTH is he calling you?"

i didn't answer but listened to the message
"hey it's me...call me"

the last phone call i got from him was a month back when he left a long message on how he had been out helping the hurricane victims and how it made him realize just how good he had it and how he had taken a lot of things for granted including me. he left the message sitting outside of my old apartment, not knowing i had moved....

i listened to the message over and over again hearing the sorrow in his voice and for one moment thought maybe things had changed.

i called him and he asked if he could stop by later to talk about things and then never showed up nor called me until today.

i realized then that things really hadn't changed and he was still up to his same tricks.

my mom kept asking me what i was thinking about
"are you thinking about him?"
"you still aren't over him are you?"
"that guy was such an ass to you and ......."

i was listening to her but i really couldn't say anything back.

i wouldn't say that i'm not over him but whenever he does call, it brings back all the memories...yes all the bad ones, but the good ones too.
and everytime i hear his voice it makes me remember....

he was the first man i fell in love with
the first man i slept with
the first man i saw a future with
the first man that lied, cheated and hurt me
the first man that broke my heart

and no matter how much time passes, the moment i hear his voice...i remember

after listening to the voicemail, i turned my phone back off and put it in my purse

"i hope you never let that guy back into your life" she said

"i know mom.....i know"

on hiatus

2005-11-06T16:21:00.000-06:00

...
i've been using an old laptop in place of my pc that has been at my friend's house for over 2 months waiting to be fixed.
the laptop finally quit on me and now i'm left without a computer or internet connection to my name.
i suppose i could go to the library but that's too much work for me.....
but am up at my family's place so am taking the opportunity to catch up on a few emails and to make the announcement that my blog will be vacant until i have a computer to my name again.

so play nice and those of you who blog, blog on and i shall return hopefully soon.

wanting

2005-11-03T09:32:00.000-06:00

...
i will not cave
i will not initiate

i will not bite my lip
or make "fuck me" eyes
or pout my lips

i will not kiss the corners of his mouth
or lick his ear

i will not sigh deep in his ear when he hugs me
or put my hand a little too high on his thigh

i will not brush up against him
or cross my legs over his in bed

i will not press my face up close to his
touch his nose
and look him in the eyes

i will not pursue
i will not
i will not
i will not

and how did i just get horny from writing that?

sigh

shout out

2005-11-03T09:09:00.000-06:00

....
i haven't mentioned every man i've slept with or dated or phoned on here or even every man i've chatted with/emailed.
there really is no rhyme or reason as to who makes it on here, just whatever hits me.

i was talking to a friend of mine on yahoo messenger last night and they mentioned that they'd like to be written about. i actually have written about him before but it was ages ago........back in the very beginning.

he's actually one of the first men i ever had phone sex with and we've kept in contact over the years. we tried to hook up once but i was pregnant then and happened to be in the hospital while he was in town.
he and i are both origionally from the same area but now he lives ages away from where i am.
we've kept in contact.....but have gone in spurts where we haven't talked in a long time and then we'll bump into each other online again.

one of the coolest things he did for me was making a video clip of himself getting off and he actually said my name when he was cumming.

i played it over and over again for a long time......it was amazing.

he's been trying to find a sexual hookup for quite some time now so usually our conversations now are about that and how much he'd love to get a bj.....

i haven't made a nickname up for him yet and didn't refer to him by name in my other post.........

so that's my official shout out

for what it's worth

2005-11-02T13:53:00.000-06:00

...
we still haven't had sex and i've completely lost track so i have no idea how long it's been. 2 weeks now? more?
i dno't want to know the actual number so i'm not going to look at the dates.....
experiment is still in full force but i have toys so at this point i really don't care.
i mean, i do care, but it's not worth breaking up over.....
at least not yet ;-)

like grownups

2005-11-02T13:16:00.000-06:00

...
i hung up the phone and took a shower, locked up my place and drove over there.....
he opened the door
he looked exhausted...like he hadn't slept for days
and the headache had gone into his eyes and he squinted as the sunlight greeted him.

i walked in the door and locked it behind me.

i walked into the main room and plopped myselt on the loveseat and he came over to me, bent down and gave me a hug.

he got up and collapsed onto the couch but not before saying "what are you doing all the way over there?"

i got up and joined him and as his arms wrapped around me, i felt like things just may be ok with us.

we talked about a lot of things ...about his expectations, about mine.....
but i definitely did not mention the experiment i was performing.

the talk didn't end with sex but instead me falling asleep next to him after a nice long make-out session and then waking up 3 hours later still in the same position.

his eyes opened up
squinting
i look at him and smiled

he closed his eyes and began drifting off again and i kissed the tip of his nose

"i love you"
he stirred

"hmmm? did you say something?"
"no i didn't baby, get some sleep"

"ok" he mumbled..... "ok"

permanent solution

2005-11-02T13:09:00.000-06:00

...
i have just deleted my last post. i received two unwanted comments about it and couldn't figure out how to delete them off my blog so in order to resolve the situation, i had to delete my post to make them disappear.
i think that's the first time i've ever deleted something i've written....maybe the second, i can't quite remember.......

i was talking to a new friend of mine about the whole comment issue last night and about how we put ourselves out there so have to expect getting comments that are unwanted or rub us the wrong way....par for the course. but this particular comment upset me so much that instead of just embracing it for what it was worth, i deleted it after emailing the person and asking them directly to no longer comment or email me.

this person used to be a friend of mine but for reasons i don't want to go into on here, i no longer want contact from this person in any manner
sometimes i wish the "delete" button could be used in real life or at least "backspace"

right now i allow comments to be anonymous but if this person does not heed my email or the comments get to be too much, i will change that so you have to be a registered user to comment......

it's unfortunate that as human beings, we feel we can treat others like shit or use them for what we need and then dispose of them when we are finished.

and it's also unfortunate that i let them.

you might just realize...

2005-10-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

...
listening to a song by Jack Johnson and he sings
"you might just realize what your missing.....your missing me....."

i'm writing this entry real time.......writing it as the moment unfolds.....writing it play by play.

the batteries are fresh in their packet. sitting there waiting to be used, but little do they know for what purpose they will be used shortly.....

i am now dragging my laptop into my bedroom and closing the door
the room is semi-dark... just the vanity light on.
hum of the fan going.......a light breeze towards my bed.

sweatshirt remains on but pants and panties have been pulled off
crawling in bed now
under cover

laptop resting ontop of my knees

thinking about.......
a fantasy

a soft knock on the door
is he nervous? is he regretting the drive here?
what was he thinking the entire way?
was he hard?
nervous?
thinking about this moment?
wanting to turn around?

the door opens and he's standing there looking down at the ground
our eyes meet
he's glowing in the moonlight
and i feel my heart leap out of my chest

"hi"
he smiles

"hi"
the shy smile returned

there is an urgency there, i can feel it, but i want the moment to unfold on it's own......i want to remember every last detail. how he smells, how he looked when he first walked in my door, the way he smiled when he said hello.....

i hold the door open and he walks in passing by me, our bodies grazing......
i try and catch my breath

the door is closed behind him
locked
and he stands there for a moment unsure of what to do
i am unsure also

"let me take your coat" i say
he opens his arms to start to take it off and i jump at the opportunity
and move in and slide my arms under his coat around him

i let out a long sigh in his ear

"hmmm that's much better" he says
i say nothing but pull him closer and take a breath of him in

the ache in my stomach grows

back to the present.....
when i fantasize about things while i'm masturabting, i try and be as detailed as possible.... all of that helps me. when i fantasize i do it this way. play by play.....teasing myself in the beginning, following along with what i'm thinking about and then i start increasing the play as the fantasy increased in my mind.

i now have my silver bullet resting on my clit on low....

the fantasy continues

our embrace breaks and i feel relieved
relaxed
he sits on my couch and we begin small talk
we talk about how this has enfolded
how we have enfolded
and how neither of us can believe we are actually here
in this moment
letting this happen

all of the build-up and conversations
now at this moment

he's talking about some random thing and catches me looking at him
"what?" he says

"i -" i start stammering
"i - i - was just looking at your mouth and wondered what your lips taste l i k e....."

i don't even get the word out of my mouth before he leans in and i feel his warm lips so close to mine. not touching, just out of reach and i feel his warm breath.
my eyes close and as much as i want to lean in and taste him, i wait.......
he moves his lips from side to side and all over my mouth but never touching it
and then i feel his wet tongue slip out from his lips and i feel it tracing mine
"god" i mumble
he keeps tracing all around them with the tip of his tongue, not saying a word
his tongue slips back in his mouth, his lips open and i feel them pull my lower lip in deep and full
i fall back into the couch and he follows me and the kiss begins
my hands go to the back of his head and i can't get enough
open lips sucking and biting
and then i feel his tongue reach towards mine and they meet and swirl around
and i sigh

he continues kissing me
my hands under his shirt now, gliding down his back
the kiss so passionate yet gentle
like he's making love to my mouth

no words are spoken
the kiss breaks
he gets up off the couch and i follow
i take his hand and walk into my bedroom
close the door and lay on the bed
he follows
the kiss continues this time with the removing of clothing

i can't wait to feel his skin on me
i want to feel it
i need to feel it

reality check
now putting bullet on medium
clit is getting nice and hard and swollen
and the wetness has definitely formed

back to the fantasy
my top is pulled up over my head and my bra strap is pulled down
i close my eyes
and feel his lips on my nipple
circling around it
teasing me
flicking his tongue accross it
sucking it up in his lips and rubbing his teeth accross

he falls between my legs and starts grinding between them
slowly teasing me
my pants are pulled down, panties remaining on
his pants are then pulled down
boxers remaining on
and i hear him say

"oh my god, i can feel how wet you are through your panties"
"i know, look what you are doing to me......"

his mouth goes to work on the other nipple and my hand slides between his legs and i squeeze him over his boxers
hard
thick
wanting

i get lost in what's happening and don't even realize my panties have been removed along with his boxers and his cock is sliding over my slit

......
reality
my small vibe is now being turned on and i'm sliding it in my pussy clenching down around it holding it there while the bullet is buzzing on my clit faster now, up to it's limit and my fingers are shaking, difficult to type
but i'll continue

laptop is now on the bed laying next to me and i'm turning on my side to type

......

fantasy
i grab his cock with my hand and hold it on my clit and start rubbing it in circles
no words are said but his eyes are locked on mine
i bite my lower lip and continue grinding his cock on my clit
over and over and over
i feel the first wave come over me and i let go of his cock as i start cumming
and without hesitating he slides his cock down to my aching dripping pussy and drops his weight down and slides deep in me
my orgasm clenching down on his cock attempting to stroke it off
his eyes remain locked on mine as i try and catch my breath and ride it out
he's fucking me now
nice and slow but deep
as deep as my pussy will take him
filling me
stretching me

inside me
finally

my hands fall to his hips and i start rocking in unison
i know it won't take long
pussy so wet i can feel it dripping out of me
running down my legs
he's covered in me
and i want to be covered with him
inside
deep inside

he looks at me and knows what i want
he's always known

....
reality

i'm really close to cumming now and as soon as i finish the climax in the post i will follow suit in reality

...fantasy
i feel his cock get thicker and start pulsing and my back arches as my orgasm clenches down on his cock once more and he starts filling me
deep
deep
deeper with his cum
spurt after spurt all inside me
mixing his cum with mine

he holds it there inside me
and collapses onto my chest
i look at him and smile

he kisses me
so gentle
an embrace of the lips

"nice to meet you" i say
"likewise" he says "likewise"
..........

the countdown

2005-10-28T08:05:00.000-05:00

...
it has now been 8 days since steve and i have had sex.

i have worn the batteries completely down in my toy and will have to go purchase more batteries before it will be able to function properly once again.

i have no idea when i'll see him again. i've decided to not call him today since he's the one who canceled on me last night with a pretty lame excuse and without letting me know until late in the evening. i doubt he'll call me tonight and i work the rest of the weekend as well so we'll see what happens.

but i'm almost guaranteed to go up to night number 9 with no sex by the time i sit down and write another post tomorrow morning.

this plan sucks

who's lame idea was this anyways?

.....
i think one of the men i work with his hitting on me, or attempting to or something..... he's married but he's dropped more than one hint that he's not geting "enough" and he's been teasing and joking with me like a little kid who has a crush on a girl he doesn't want to admit.

when we were clocking out this morning, he pushed me out of the way so he could clock out first and i felt like i was back in high school.

i could totally be way off base and he told me he was going to be quitting soon anyhow....... but my "flirting alarm" definitely went off last night on more than one occassion.

speaking in code

2005-10-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

...
i must admit after the conversation i sat there and wondered.....

"if he wasn't, and i wasn't.....would we...?"
"would he look at me differently or not at all?"
"but we are too similar...."
"we are too different...."
"and he is....."
"and i am......"
"so it doesn't matter....."
"but i wonder......."
"would we?"

the experiment

2005-10-27T19:54:00.000-05:00

...
i know it was a bad idea, but i couldn't help it. i kept feeling that i was always the one initiating sex and it was forming some mind game within me that he didn't really want me or that he was just following along or i wasn't worth making the effort and on and on it went so i decided to stop making advances.

i decided to stop being the one to initiate and see how long it would take him to make the advances...."lou" told me it was probably not the best idea and together we came up with a few reasons why steve may be leaving it up to me to make the moves, the main one being his past relationship.

his ex-wife turned him down on a pretty regular basis and that was one of the reasons they ended up breaking up........so the idea was proposed that maybe he got so used to being shot down that he is "afraid" to speak up anymore.

that theory worked on me for a week or so but then the curiosity got the better of me so now the experiment is in full swing.

steve and i have not had sex since my last post about it and although i feel like i'm playing games a bit and this may totally backfire on me, part of me just needs to know if he really wants this or is just playing me. call it a backflash of really bad past relationships.

i'm not sure how long i'll last....i guess it all depends on him. but so far our "date" for tonight was canceled because he was not feeling well and now i'm sitting here lost in thought about all this and just trying to put it all into perspective

lost and found

2005-10-27T07:34:00.000-05:00

...
first off, i just spent 30 minutes trying to get onto blogger.....
i keep getting re-directed, telling me my cookies are disabeled or some such nonsense and usually after i clear my cache and cookies and history, i can sign back on with no problems......
but this morning i had to do all of those things then disconnect and then shut down and restart 3 times before finally being able to get on blogger.

so onto the blogging

at 6am this morning my phone rang
i woke up out of a dead sleep thinking it may be steve calling
and then soon realized it was not him, but rather an old fuck buddy who called to let me know he was in town for business and wondered if i'd be interested in hooking up.

i must admit i was quite tempted with the offer but told him i was in a relationship now and would be unable to participate in any extra curricular activities with him.

he attempted a few more times and then the phone call ended with him calling me the next time he was back in town to see if i was a single gal once again.

we said our goodbyes, i hung up the phone and rolled over to go back to sleep.....
but alas, my mind was opened with the wandering thoughts of sex and although i was able to deny him, i was not able to deny the stirring that was occurring between my legs......

i lazily got out of bed, tripping on the pillow on my floor and opened the drawer and started grasping for my toy.....

i found it, crawled back in bed and pulled down my pjs and panties and closed my eyes and started to imagine.

i started off thinking about steve and started scrolling down my list in my head, my list of men i fantasize about...it's not a HUGE list but yes i do have one.

then i started imagining/fantasizing what it would have been like if i would have met him.....if i would have told him where i lived and heard his knock on my door.

i tried recalling his smell, his taste, the way he touched me.......all while my toy started spreading my pussy lips apart and sliding inside me.

my feet planted on the bed and my knees fell open and my eyes remained closed as i pictured this struggle of opening the door to him and finally giving in to his advances.

the fantasy in my mind continued and i layed there trying to embrace my ograsm...

i felt myself get close and then right when i was about to reach the peak, i lost the grip on my toy and it slipped off the golden spot and just like that, the peak left me.....

i tried to get it back, more and more desperate......purging into deeper fantasies, moving positions, putting the pillow over my face to distract the light from the bathroom........i tried and tried and tried minute passing after minute and finally gave in, completely defeated.... after 45 minutes of trying.

i turned off my toy, slid it ouf of me, layed it on the bed next to me, rolled over, and went to sleep with a long sigh........

update:
it is now 9:30am and i was finally able to get off (4 times thank you) with a little help from "lou"

rollercoaster rae

2005-10-25T07:19:00.000-05:00

...
this past week and even the last couple days have been so up and down for me.....
it's been difficult to process everything

but first some business:

"new guy" has been in the hospital
and i wrote a little post about it when i first found out but for some reason it didn't post through and became lost.........
he's supposed to be released by now but i was able to talk to him on the phone a few times while he was in the hospital to try and cheer his spirits up.........
so my thoughts are definitely with him.

and onto the roller ride

yesterday morning after work i hopped online and started chatting with a friend of mine which ended not so chipper so i closed off and crawled into bed.

steve called me soon after and asked me if i could come over.

things have been a bit rocky with him since the whole "i love you" incident
because instead of some romantic moment following his words....
all i did was lay there speechless.

then came a conversation of how i felt about him
and where we were going
and the conversation went so fast and time went so slow all in unison
and before i knew it 4 days had passed with no words exchanged between us.

and after the chatting conversation with that friend, i just crawled in bed and held my pillow and then he called

i showed up at his place in my pajamas
slippers and all
and he gave me a hug that made me almost fall apart

we sat on his couch and i was quiet for a while and then we started talking
we talked about our past relationships
i told him all about my son
and pretty soon i found myself telling him things i had left locked in for a very long time

and the whole time he just sat there with his hand on my knee
and as i separated myself out from what i was saying, i could see myself looking at us in a future tense and for the first time i decided to just let go

i didn't say the words but things were settled between us and now i'm in a place where those words don't seem so foreign or impossible to feel.

after some snuggling and kisses, he made us hot chocolate and we watched a movie.....

i fell asleep at the very end and we decided to take a nap since we both had to work last night......

i crawled in his bed and he turned off the tv and checked his email and then crawled in next to me......

i fell asleep fast and a few hours later i woke up and looked at him sleeping there peacefully
and i smiled

rules

2005-10-21T19:31:00.000-05:00

....
one morning on my way home from work, i was listening to a local radio station and they were listing the top worst moments to say "i love you" for the first time.....or moments you shouldn't say it something like that but the number one was while having sex.

i laughed at the rule and tried scrolling back in my memory to see if i have indeed ever done that. thank goodness, i passed the rule.....

last night i went over to "ss" (scuba steve)'s place and made him dinner. i told him i'd make him whatever he wanted and he responded with mac and cheese and hotdogs......
oh well, easy for me...

we had our traditional hug at the door and he sat on the couch to watch back to the future part 2 while i was in the kitchen making dinner.

i got there around 7:30 and we were eating by around 8:15 or so....

after dinner he got up to take his shower to get ready for work and i started cleaning up and packing his lunch not forgetting to put a little note in before closing it up.

after his shower, he got ready and i curled up on the couch and he plopped down by me at 9pm. we both work at 10 at different places but if i am over there i just drop him off cuz he lives so close to work he can walk there and back. so our normal routine is to leave there by 930

i had my head on his shoulder and his hand was on my leg and i looked at him once and smiled and he just looked at me
"what?" i said
"oh nothing"
he smiled

i leaned in and kissed him
little pecks on his lips and a few on his cheeks and neck

the next kiss was a bit softer and i felt his lips part as they sucked my lower lip in

"mmmmmm" i moaned softly

i love it when he does that. his kisses are soft and wet but not too wet.... perfect

his mouth opened wider and i felt his tongue slip out into mine and his tongue went in deep almost like he was trying to fuck my mouth with it.....

my body started to tremble and at that moment i knew i needed him inside me.
but i never said a word

instead i started stroking his cock over his scrubs (he works at a hospital) and at first touch i felt how hard and thick he was already.

he unded the drawstring and my hand felt his warm cock and his moans soon followed

my gut was screaming "pleaseeeeee"

he got up off the couch, went into his room and i sat on the couch looking at him

he didn't say a word but moved his head motioning me to come into the room

we stood there in the dark kissing and he pulled my pants down and i felt him press into me....

he took off his clothes and the rest of mine and i laid on the bed and he crawled on top of me.....
he started teasing me first, all over my slit and clit but not in me......
i started begging
"pleaseeeeee"

he kissed me
"shhhhhhhh"

i relaxed and enjoyed the teasing, feeling his thick cock separating my lips, getting wet with my already dripping pussy......

he grabbed his cock with his hand and put it right on my tight little pussy hole and then let go and looked me in the eyes as his weight dropped down and he started sliding inside me

"ughhh" i said
he stretched me as he slid further inside me and then held it there, rocking back and forth, exploring the depths of my pussy

i liften my legs up and started driving in me harder and harder and my moans got louder and louder

"shhhhh" he said again while he kissed me

i closed my eyes and started relaxing my body letting him further in and then i opened my eyes and looked at him

"god that feels so fucking good" i said
he smiled

"u are so tight and wet babe"
i giggled

"it's been a while" i said

"mmmhmmm"

he started going harder and my legs dropped back down to the bed as i felt the first orgasm come over me
my back arched and he slipped out as i came and came hard

a tear rolled down my eye....the orgasm was so intense, almost painful

i couldn't even speak
i just let out this loud groan and then collapsed back to the bed

he slid his cock back in me and another orgasm came fast and hard but this time he stayed in me as my pussy clenched tight around his cock

"oh shit" he grunted and pulled his cock out and took off the condom and came all over my naked body........

spurt after spurt of hot cum shot all over me
on my tits my neck and some on my face and in my hair

"oh i'm sorry....you have to work and i just got cum in your hair"

"it's ok" i giggled "i'll have a reminder with me all night"

he held his body over me, his cum still on me and looked at me and smiled

"what?" i said

"i love you"

when in rome

2005-10-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

...
ok that title really has nothing to do with this post at all but i have a song on right now that is called "when in rome" so it felt like an appropriate title.

i pulled into town last night with a car loaded down with 4 baskets of laundry, a suitcase, my overnight bag, apples, and presents for my friends.....

i came home to a lovely note from my landlord reminding me what a prick he is and then proceeded to unload my car when scuba steve called me

"where are u?"
"just pulled into town, unpacking my car....do you want me to stop by after i'm......"
"now? please?"
"ok ok let me just get this one load in"
"good....bring sugar"
"sugar?"
"yeah, i'm out....i need some for coffee"
"oh i see how u are. using me for my baking goods"
"oh shut up and get over here"

i pulled into the parking lot and saw him standing on his deck waiting for me

"what's up with the new glasses?" he said
"what, u don't like them?"
"hmmmm i think so, let me see them closer"

i walked up the back steps and got right up to his face
he kissed me

"yeah, i like them....they are cute"

he wrapped his arms around me and sighed
"mmm i missed you"

"me too "
i kisses his neck

we went inside and i showed him my pictures and told him all about my trip and gave him a few things i bought for him up there and then we snuggled up on the couch.

at that moment i was ready to pounce on him but as fate would have it, i'm actually dating a man with a lower sex drive than me.......
i have a superbly high sex drive. i mean literally i can have sex and want it again right away and then again and again. if i had it my way, i'd have sex every day more more than once a day if i could.
but my boyfriend is actually ok with going a week or longer before having sex and i'm pretty much the instigator in this relationship.
which is fine.....
most of the time

the kissing started innocently enough but pretty soon his hand was inbetween my legs pushing through my jeans and my orgasms came hard and fast....breathing deeply in his ear, moaning, trying to be quiet.....
my moans turn him on and i could see his cock trying to push through his boxers, wanting attention.

i pulled them off him and slid his cock in my mouth......now i'm not going to go into the size of him but deep throating him is possible but i have to make sure i relax my throat and breathe...and i'm pretty good at deep throating if that gives you any idea.

"oh my godddddd" he moaned
"damn i missed this" he continued

i started carressing his balls as my mouth went up and down his cock, being sure to use my tongue as i did so, swirling it on the underside, swirling it around the head....

his eyes were closed and his hands were gliding through my hair and down my back......i love it when he does that. he's the only guy i've been with that has paid attention to me physically while giving him a bj..... (another reason i like him)

i must admit i wanted him inside me but i knew to let go now would be cruel to him because he was enjoying it so much, and afterall i did have 3 orgasms already.

"make me cum baby please........."
he said it loud, desperate, begging me to get him to cum with my mouth......
begging me to swallow him.

now i don't swallow him often, have only done it once before cuz well it tastes gross but since it had been so long, i thought i'd give him an extra treat

i kept going, more consistent now and then added my hand with my mouth
"oh shit yes baby dont' stop"

a bit faster and tighter and soon i heard

"ok baby i'm right there you can stroke me off now, grab the towel"

i didn't stop but rather kept going and when he realized what i was doing
i felt him arch his back and he mumbled "oh shit" as he started cumming in my mouth.

it was obvious he had not come in quite a while as he kept spurting more and more cum into my mouth.
i did my best swallowing it all down but some escaped down my chin and lips so i licked it off and then collapsed onto his chest

"damn baby, i sure the fuck missed that"

i laughed and said "i missed you too baby"

masturbation 101

2005-10-16T19:28:00.000-05:00

...
vacation was great and as it usually goes, i had that "ugh" feeling when i packed up my car today and made the 5 hour drive back to my parent's place...
i'll be here for the evening and then make my way back another 3 hours to my lovely apartment and life.
vacation consisted of shopping, sleeping, driving, eating, a very frustrating puzzel, and renewing a love affair with david sedaris. i read two of his books while i was up there which now puts my total up to 4 of his books.

other than that, the week was great except for the fact i was pretty much around my parents 24/7 and had no good "alone time"

i decided to not bring any toys along since i knew the acoustics were not so good so decided i'd go "cold turkey" for the week...

scuba steve and i were not able to curb my appetite beforehand since my day consisted of an oil change and alignment that took way too long, breakfast with friends, and packing....

i figured i could handle a week though but around day 4 i was squirming in my seat.
i was sitting there watching baseball with my parents, so horny that i felt i could get off right there from crossing my legs.

that night i crawled into bed and tried to sleep it off but the feeling was so overwhelming that i was practically shaking in bed. i knew what i needed to do but was unsure how.
i really can't get myself off by fingering.....i need clit stimulation but have only succeeded on getting myself off that way with my fingers a few times so i reached back to the glory days.

when i first started masturbating, i used to ball up a towel or pillow and grind over it...that's how i had my very first orgasm.

so i reached over and grabbed a towel off the dresser rolled it up in a ball and slid off my pj bottoms but kept my panties on. i started off thinking about scuba steve as i felt it push up against my clit and when i felt myself get close, i heard a noise and lost my edge and had a difficult time getting it back.

i decided to give up, threw the towel down and then that feeling came back. that ache....
so i grabbed the towel again, rolled back onto it and tried thinking of steve again but this time was unable to keep the thought focused....

so i flipped through fantasy after fantasy and guy after guy until i landed on "lou"
i started thinking about some of the fantasies he and i have exchanged and imagined him sliding in me and before i knew it the feeling was so overwhelming that i had to burry my face in the pillow so i wouldn't make any noise. the orgasm was amazing......3 of them, right in a row.....i was shaking so bad after that my parents probably thought i was having a seizure

but i got off .....so at that moment i didn't care.
and thank goodness they never mentioned anything.....

and that got me through the rest of vacation
but now i'm ready for the real thing

bad

back to reality

2005-10-04T07:48:00.000-05:00

...i've been working a ton.
the position above me has been vacated, so until it is filled, i'm the boss man and because of that, i have been working and working and deailing with a small crew and extra trucks and employees that like to push buttons.

one of them pushed a big button with me last night and i almost lost it.
usually i'm not a very angy person...

i take things as they come and try and not let things get to me but every now and then i just hit my limit and i feel like exploding.

at about 6am this morning i was tr ying to wrap up the truck and there was a huge mess and we were short staffed and i knew they would not be happy with how much stock was left and the list continued as the time raced away......

i made an executive decision as the head hancho and this particular employee agreed with my decision and helped me carry it through. after we completed the task, he proceeded to tell me how i was going to get in trouble for doing that and that he woudl have done it this way or that way and on and on he went

i looked at him and said "stop talking to me" and went on to finish something else.....

i felt like either hitting him or yelling at him and i knew neither of those were an option i could follow through with so i turned and walked away.

a few moments later he came up to me and said

"oh well i would have done the same thing as you anyways"

and i felt my ears get red..........

i went out onto the floor to wrap up and he walked up to me and asked what i was so mad about......
i proceeded to tell him how i do not appreciate him disrespecting me and how he never pulled this shit with our other boss and how i am not sure if he's just setting me up to fail or what but he needs to let me do my job and me worry about if i'll get in trouble or not. it's really none of his business.

he stomped off and mumbled something about keeping his mouth shut and then started writing a note and asked audibly when the manager would be in........

i should state here that he and i were both up for the position i am now in and he's been working with the company for over 3 years but i was the one they chose........so i know that is a factor in all this.

at 630 i told the team they were free to go and thanks for your help and he was the first out the door.

later i talked to my old boss who has switched to day hours and he proceeded to tell me how this guy does things like this all the time and just likes to cause trouble, so it made me feel a bit better even though i still feel bad for blowing up at him.......

but now it's almost 8am and i'm trying to distress and im' even more ready for my vacation starting thursday.......

a conversation

2005-10-04T07:34:00.000-05:00

i pulled my legs up on the couch and sat with them crossed under me and put my plate on my lap. i took off a pepparoni from my slice of pizza and started blowing on it. steam escaped from the cheese that was lifted off in return.

the phone rang and he picked it up

"hello?"

i put the piece of pepparoni in my mouth. hot but not too hot.

"oh nothing much, my girlfriend just got here and we are eating pizza and watching movies."

"i swallow the peparroni"

"his what?" i thought....nothing came from my lips

he continued
"yeah we are going to hang out since she is leaving for vacation soon......"

he came into the room and smiled at me as he placed his hand on my face and said

"yeah i'm gonna miss her"

he walked into the other room

"his WHAT?" i thought again........
and my brain started racing
and the conversation inside my head went like this

"his girlfriend? when did i become his girlfriend? isn't there supposed to be some sort of conversation about this? i haven't been in a relationship in so long.....how do i do this? do i remember how to do this?"

the pizza sat on my plate, getting cold.....he still in the other room talking....

my conversation continued
"who is he even talking to? i haven't said anything about having a boyfriend. should i? am i attached now? i guess i've been hanging out here a lot and well yeah we are dating and hmmmm sleeping together and well yeah i guess you could say he's my boyfriend but i never really thought about it until now ....am i really his g i r l f r i........."

"baby?"

i snapped back into reality

"yeah hey what's up who was that?"

"oh it was my mom......why aren't u eating ur pizza?"

"his mom?????" i thought in a gasp

"are u ok? did i say something to upset you?"

"no no your fine i'm sorry i was just spacing out a minute"
i took a bite of pizza

"hey.........." he sat next to me and kissed my cheek.

"yes?" i looked up at him........

"are you ok with what i said? with what i called you?"

"yeah" i smiled "i guess i have a boyfriend now"

"nice isn't it?"

"yes i believe it is"

continuation

2005-09-26T06:47:00.000-05:00

before i begin this story, i am adding a public service announcement (suggestion from oral man who just read this before i posted it) that scuba steve and i did indeed use a condom....i left it out cuz it just makes the story lose some "umph" to me......but indeed a condom was on until he finished....

and that was your public service announcement

now onto the story

"oh my goooooddddd" he moaned

i kept gently rubbing his balls in a circular motion, covering every inch.....softly rubbing him.
i looked up, his eyes were closed and there was a continuous moan escaping from his lips.
my hand was avoiding his shaft but i knew it was getting hard and was aching for attention.

he opened his eyes and looked at me, i turned my head to face his glance and he lifted his head up to kiss me.
i leaned in, my hand still rubbing his balls and we kissed for the first time.....not little pecks like we had exchanged before but the first passionate lips open tasting his mouth and tongue kiss.....
his lips were soft and warm and easily slipped between mine and i started sucking on his lower lip as i squeezed a bit tighter on his balls...
"mmmmmm" he moaned...and i felt it buzzing through my lips.
i looked up at him and smiled as my mouth opened a bite wider and my tongue slipped out to meet his.....
it was warm, wet thick.....my tongue glid around it as he moved his head to make his tongue go further into my mouth....
i felt my body getting warm, my pussy waking up from slumber aching for some attentino of her own......
my hand left his balls as he rolled me on my back following to lay so his legs were between mine and his cock was pressed up against my leg......it was hard and i could feel it pulsing on my bare leg.....
he started kissing me again...my neck first...licking all over the nape of my neck and then gently blowing on it.
gossebumps covered my body.
he lifted my shirt up and over my head to expose my already hard nipples and his lips pulled one deep as i felt his hand start sliding down my body......
my eyes closed and i felt the goosebumps come back as his hand went lower and lower down to my wet panties.....
"wow someone is wet" he quipped....
i smiled and then instantly moaned as i felt him rubbing over them.....up and down my slit, very gently......
his lips returned back to mine and the kissing became deeper and i tasted his mouth more as his fingers started pushing deeper into the matieral, pushing my wet panties back into me, soaking them with my juices...

his lips pulled away from me as he moved to put more weight on me, making his hand go deeper into the matieral. i started grinding to the rhythem of his hand and moanded louder as my hands wandered onto his back.
he pressed his lips on my neck and started biting me as his fingers pushed deeper and deeper into the material....he was going hard and fast and deep and i felt myself getting close.
my nails dug into his back and i felt my whole body tense up and then relax into an oragasm that sent chills all over me

his cock was now aching and i felt him moan as though almost in pain as i moved fully on me and slid my panties down.

my legs spread as he fell between them and my juices were so intense that his cock was already wet just from falling between my pussy lips.

he looked me in the eyes as he moved to place his cock right on my pussy hole.....his hands were on the bed on either side of me and i felt myself bite my lower lip as he slowly dropped his weight to start sliding into me....
i felt my pussy lips stretch as the head of his cock started sliding in, wider and thicker than my hole.....stretching it to fit his shaft fully inside me.

he slid all the way in, putting more weight on my body and then held it there, rocking back and forth, completely surrounding his cock with my juices...
my hand went to my clit and he looked at me and said "oh yeah keep doing that" and i started rolling it in circles as i felt his weight release off me making his cock slowly slide back out.
he pulled it almost all the way out only to put his weight fully back on me to slide it back inside.....
without hesitating, i put my feet flat on the bed to spread my legs wide, put my hands on teh back of my knees and lifted my feet off the bed....
he started fucking me harder and faster and my juices were so present that everytime he slid in me, it made a sucking sound......
my hands dropped from my knees and i wrapped my legs around his waist and he leaned down to kiss me as he started fucking me harder slamming into me as i moved my hips up to meet him in perfect rhythm.....my hands went to his ass, trying to push him deeper and deeper in as far as he could go......
my pussy couldn't get enough of him......so i pushed him in ....wanting every inch of him inside me.

he moaned as he felt my hands on his ass and i watched him close his eyes as little beads of sweat started forming on his shoulders and down his back........a little drop formed on his forehead and fell onto my skin as i heard him grunting and he moaned out
"fuck i'm gonna cummmmm"
his words pushed me over and my pussy clamped down around his cock as i came all over him.......
and he slid his cock out and came all over my tits
3 full spurts and each one caused his body to tremble, almost convulse and a loud grunt escaped his lips with each spurt.......
his warm cum squirted all over my tits and a few drops went onto my face.....i licked them off, tasting him.......as he collapsed onto my body to catch his breath.....

"oh my god"
he said

"yeah me too" i smirked

eating my words

2005-09-23T07:12:00.000-05:00

"scuba steve is here with bagels", i typed....
"sounds like someone is getting fucked" he responded
"no not hardly, we haven't done that yet and probably won't for a while"
"yeah right" he quipped, "i want a full report."

i signed off greeted scuba steve at the door and after realizing how hot it was going to be and how i had no ac, we decided to go back to his place to hang out and crash....
i have slept over there a few times now....
since we work the same shift, there has been a few times where i have gone over there afterwards and ended up cuddling and falling asleep next to him.

we have kissed a bit but nothing further than that and i really wasn't expecting anything yesterday morning...

we had breakfast, watched some tv and pretty soon i started dozing off.....
"go into my room, i'll be there in a bit" he said.....

i dragged myself off the couch, slipped off my jeans and bra and crawled into his bed wearing panties and a tshirt...

i started dozing off again as i soon felt his body next to me......it was warm and he still smelled like his after shave. he layed on his back and said "come here darlin" and i scooted over to lay on my side with my head on his chest...
i draped one leg over his and he kissed my forehead as i turned and smiled at him and then he started playing with my hair and massaging my back.....

i moved up a bit and my lips were up by his ear and i started to softly moan
"that feels so good" i sighed and closed my eyes.
i took my hand and started gliding it down his chest and stomach and i heard
"feel" and i stuck my hand out to feel goosebumps all over his arm...

i giggled and continued gliding my fingers gently down his chest and stomach, over his arms and gently accross his face

"your hands are so smooth...that feels so good"

i continued......just barely tracing my fingers on his warm body covering every inch of his exposed skin.

i pulled the cover down to his boxers and then put my finger tips on his forehead.....i then slowly dragged them down his nose, over his lips, down his chin and neck, spread them wide over his chest and down his stomach to his boxers...my fingers went down further down his boxers on one leg avoding a certain area and once they left the matieral, i slid them underneath and back up his leg and then dragged them so gently accross his balls

"oh my gooooooood" he moaned

to be continued...

recapping

2005-09-21T20:10:00.000-05:00

as i was re-reading a few entries i found myself getting confused with all the men lately so i decided i'd do a little recap on who is whom

scuba steve: the current guy i am dating....lives in my city, we were introduced by mutual friends. we have gone on several dates now and although we have not been very sexual yet, we are headed in that direction.

"j" is also a local guy that was my "fuck buddy"....we really didn't have anything but a sexual relationship. since i met scuba steve, we haven't hooked up, although he has made several attempts to. i am running out of ecuses with this one and need to decide what i want to do.

"chicago hook up" is an online friend of mine who reads my blog who i recently had a make out session with in a nearby city. we made out in a bar in a park and even in the doorway of a buliding. i hvaen't heard from him since and this was most likely a one time deal.

"oral man" is a man i met who reads my blog and i chat with online. we met at a hotel in a nearby city and he gave me the best oral i have ever had. we are planning on meeting again at some point.

"lou" is also a blog reader and chat friend of mine. we have not hooked up yet but he was the origional one i was planning on meeting but thigns fell through..... we are still planning on meeting at some point i hope (we are right lou?) ;-)

"sg" is one that i don't really mention on here anymore and actually just recently took him off my buddy list. he was an online friend of mine but things ended badly when i wrote a post about my take on men who cheat and since then he has wanted nothing to do with me.

"hd" was an ex of mine who i never mention anymore either.......he has been out of my life for several months now.

"ll" was a lover of mine that i had before "j".....he recently started getting back in touch with me and then stopped once again. i haven't heard from him in a couple months now. he was deemed the best lover i have ever had.

oh and "new guy" (geesh he'll think i forgot him) is an online friend of mine who i have phone sex with and who has become a really good friend of mine. he recently sent me 2 cds he made and some lovely panties......

and i think that pretty much sums it up

back before the sun

2005-09-16T05:48:00.000-05:00

...
usually when i get off work, the sun is rising and i get to see a big beautiful sunrise on my way home and i always find a smile creeping accross my face....
this time however, since i worked 9 days in a row, i was sent home early so the company could lax on my overtime ( a trademark of this specific company)
so now instead of driving home to a sunrise
i was driving home to kids on their paper routes, scampering accross the dark streets and alleys.....
it reminded me of my days as a paper girl (oh memories) and i must say i was a bit surprised at how many people were out and about at 5:30 in the morning....
i guess since i sleep during the day, i forget there is life out there. working nights can really do a job on one's personal life and schedule.....

which reminds me
one of the bonuses about "scuba steve" is that he too works nights at a local hospital.....we work the exact same shift and so far have had the same nights off so it has been working out pretty well.....

yes he called me again, and yes we went out again.....actually have been hanging out off and on all week and we had plans to go golfing on saturday but now i'll be making a quick trip up to northern illinois to visit my brother, his wife and their new baby boy......

so i guess i'm dating, or going on dates or something.....i'm not sure. nothing physical has happened yet besides some hugging/cuddling and a kiss on the cheek.
as i look back in my past relationships (not that i'm in one right now....help me balancing statements!).... but one of the things i noticed is that i am usually the aggressor... usually the one who starts the phsycial side of things....i get anxious i guess (horny) and after i make the initial move, the guy seems to follow right behind me....

but this time i have decided to let go of the controls and see where he takes this.... see what happens. the kiss on the cheek was from him, the last time i saw him and i must say was one of the sweetest things i've experienced in a long time.

but in the process of this dating thing, i am still arranging a meeting with "oral man" and "j" has been calling and another guy i met from adult friend finder (who i have not mentioned yet) wants to hook up later tonight as well.... so my sexual pool hasn't dried up yet, although i haven't dipped in it for a few weeks.

i did get off tonight though thinking of a conversation that "lou" and i had earlier......and i was reminded of how damn good that moment right before the actual orgasm is.
sometimes i wish i could be in someone else's body when they cum, so i can see what it feels like for them. is it different for everyone? the same? that would be an interesting research paper.....

but my orgasm specifically......
it is most intense for me right before i actually cum.....sometimes i try to stay up on that ledge as long as i can.....let myself get right there then back off right there then back off...just so i can continue that feeling.... the build is the best part for me. granted the actual fall off the ledge is amazing too but for me it's the build up to it.......
i feel it all through my body even down to my toes and sometimes it's so intense that it almost hurts.
and then as it overtakes me and i cum, my whole body goes into a sort of trance and usually i shake afterwards.....and the feeling is, for lack of a better word, amazing....

a quirk of mine that i have when i'm with someone (as oral man found out) is that when i cum, i tend to lose track of what's going on around me and how my body responds...... if i cum really hard, i usually end up slamming my foot down on the bed. it caught "oral man" off guard at first but i think once he got used to it, he knew it meant a very good thing was happening.

and the other thing i do is shake.....if i cum really hard, my body convulses afterwards and sometimes i shake like i'm shivering and can't get warm....

all part of the deal i suppose

scuba steve

2005-09-13T17:15:00.000-05:00

....
we talked on the phone ..making arrangemenets for our "date"
he seemed a bit reserved but conversation flowed nicely and he made a comment that i looked cute and that he was excited to meet me.

i must admit i wasn't looking forward to it. i haven't been out in the dating scene for quite a while now and i just remember it sucking for the most part so i definitely wasn't going into this thinking destiny was going to bring me someone to sweep me off my feet...

backing up......i'm calling him scuba steve because of a conversation we had on the phone about adam sandler movies and he quoted a scuba steve line from big daddy and there was born "scuba steve"

so we decided to meet for coffee and since i didn't know what he looked like, i was to get there first and wait for a strange scuba steve man to approach me.

i wasn't really nervous until i pulled into the parking lot and parked my car...then i found myself looking all around me and over my shoulder, waiting for some man to tap me on my shoulder and say "hi i'm scuba steve".....

i walked in and there were a lot of people there but instead of looking around trying to get him to notice me, i decided to sit down at a table and take out a notebook and pen....
i started scribbling down notes and things i needed to do and started doodling a bit when after 10 minutes or so a man came up to me and said "rachael?"

"here we go" i thought. i looked up at him and was pleasantly surprised.... glasses, tall, lots of thick brown hair and even had a bit of meat on his bones.....
he stuck his hand out, i returned and his hand was nice and big but a bit sweaty....
"nervous?" i asked him, as i turned his palm up to reveal the sweat....
"yeah i am..... you?"

"not really" i said......"i was a bit when i pulled in cuz i realized i had no idea who you were but i'm fine now"

he got up and ordered a coffee and got me a vanilla tea and then sat back down to join me at the table....
conversation was a bit awkward at first but soon flowed as we got onto the topics of movies and food and random general talk. it seemed like i was sitting there talking to a friend. very comfortable and easy..... we started talking about our families and what we do and our lives and before i knew it, hours had passed....and i had about an hour before i had to go to work so.we decided to take a drive around the city since it was a nice cool night and talk some more......

we got in my car and started driving around talking and laughing and i'd see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye from time to time......finally i turned to him and said "what?... you keep looking at me"

"your picture doesn't do u justice"
"oh please" i said.....
he just looked at me and smiled and i felt my cheeks blush and then i turned my eyes back to the road.....

i must admit in the back of my mind i wondered if this was going to be like my other recent experiences.....if this was going to turn sexual ....if that was what he was really wanting....i was definitely on gaurd waiting for some sort of sexual topic to come up

but it never did

i drove him back to his car, i got out and gave him a hug......we exchanged numbers and he said he'd call me the next day.....

as he drove off and me to work, i thought of how nice an evening it was but was sure he wouldn't call me the next day....

but he did

"bullshit"

2005-09-11T18:43:00.000-05:00

...
when i was younger and lived with my parents, i was very involved in a church group and many weekends would find myself at someone's house playing cards and eating pizza or some such "clean Christian fun"....and one game we used to play a lot was a card game where you had to lie your way through in order to win....it was called "bullshit" but since we were good Christian kids at the time we called it "pineapple"......but basically it was a bluffing game that i totally sucked at.
but i was thinking back on that game and it gave me an idea for a post.....

my sexual adventures have led me to some interesting places...some kinkier than others and some i feel are even too much for this blog so i have decided to do a "bullshit" post.....
a list of sexual acts
some of them i have really done and some of them i haven't......
and ofcourse i'm not going to distinguish which ones are true and which ones are false....but this way i can even let my kinky side out without exposing myself too much.....
i will start off the list with a true one....

* i have been fingered and gotten off in a movie theater with people 5 seats down from us

* i have cybered with a 19 year old gal

* i have had wax poured on my back

* i have been blindfolded and handcuffed and had different kitchen utensils used to get me off

* i have been the receipient of a golden shower

* i have been a participant in a "group sex" outing

* i have cybered with a 17 year old guy and his younger cousin

* i have fucked a guy with a strap on while he was blindfolded

* i have met a guy from online sight unseen in less than an hour of chatting with him

* i have had photographs taken of me in different sexual positions and acts

* i have had phone sex with one guy while another guy was listening in

* i have had a "drildo" (drill turned into a dildo) used on me

....
and there concludes my bullshit list.......
at least for now

back among the moved

2005-09-09T06:58:00.000-05:00

well i'm finally moved
and i didn't have to give any bjs....
i have boxes still to unpack but everything is out of the old place
and my phone is set up again so i'm back in business....

not too much to speak of.....
i've blown "j" off a few times just because i haven't been in the "mood" with moving and then getting the flu and strep......

in other news...i'm actually getting set up on a date.
a couple friends of mine keep telling me it's time to get myself back out in the dating scene...it's time to move on. so they are setting me up with a guy who i've now nicknamed "scuba steve".....we are supposed to meet sometime this weekend on a sort of blind date excursion thing. i've never done the whole blind date and not too excited about this whole date thing but i'm going to go through with it, partly just to get my friends off my back. i guess he saw my pic and said i was cute so at least i know he won't be scared off when he sees me......
so we'll see how that goes.

making arrangements for a second meeting with "oral man" ...the guy who gave me the best oral of my life....i am anxiously awaiting to feel that tongue again...

fun with ice cream

2005-09-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

i'm in the middle of moving and it sucks.....
granted, i'm only moving approximately 50 feet away, but still.....
i've got shit all over the place, garbage bags full of half-used candles and shampoo bottles that i'm just pitching so i don't have to deal with it.
i've got some stuff there a lot of stuff here stil and damn this alone makes me wish i had a man to help me. my friends are all out of town for this dumb holiday thing ....did my landlord not know i have a life? bastard...taking all my friends away so i have to move by myself. even a single girl can aquire a LOT of stuff....i'm talking a LOT.......and lets not even go into my furniture......
hey i'll give 2 bjs for some help with my couch
maybe even 3

ok so to escape from all this packing nonsesne, i decided to go to mcdolands for a wonderfully smooth vanilla cone. since its still pretty warm here, as soon as i got the cone, it started melting down the cone and onto my fingers......so as i stopped at a red light, i started licking it all off....licking it off the cone, my fingers and trying to keep the mess in check.....
i just happened to glance over and see an older man (probably in his mid 50's) and he had this huge grin on his face and nodded at me.
feeling a little flirtatious, i turned to him and started seductively licking the ice cream cone (yes that is possible) and his mouth dropped open and i knew it was doing the trick.
some ice cream dribbled on my finger so i stuck my tongue out and started licking it off and then put my finger in my mouth and sucked on it. the look on this guy's face was priceless....
pretty soon i heard a honk of a horn and realized the light turned green....
he looked a bit embarrassed and then headed off.......i smiled at him, he winked at me and we went on our way....

ice cream can be fun

in the beginning

2005-09-02T07:44:00.000-05:00

...
when i first started this blog, i looked at is as a quest...not only to seek a new lover but to expose parts of me that nobody new about....to get it all off my chest and never let myself analyze it to a point i didn't recognize my thoughts anymore. i wanted them to be raw and undeleted and whatever emotion came out, i wanted to embrace it and not question or hide from it. that's why i made the "do not delete a post" rule....because i decided if i was willing to sit down and write it all out...it must have met something, whether or not the thought was true and could be backed up with more than emotional feelings....

but somewhere along the line, i lost focus and started analyzing my words and getting too wraped up in other opinions...somewhere along the line, my blog lost it's purity and i found myself in a very empty place.

i opened myself up to someone and a dream formed inside me that this guy may be the one to finally put all my other experiences to rest....i believed in every word he said and didn't even let myself think he was just leading me along......i just threw all caution to the wind and let my heart feel very deeply for someone....it had been a very very long time. i thought about our future apple tree and all the dreams we had talked about and then just like that, all those dreams were gone. just like that he questioned me and whether i could be true to him and questioned whether i was being honest to myself....and just like that, i felt like i was standing there naked and all i wanted to do was hide....

and i wanted to turn to my blog for comfort and to let it all out, but i had turned it into a stranger.....

so last night at work as i separated myself from everything and everyone, i decided to pick the pieces up once again and continue on. i'm not going to delete those recent posts but i'm not going to look back...i'm going to move forward.

it's me time again and this blog is mine....i'm reclaiming it and anyone who wants to read it is more than welcome but it is time for me to take charge again....not only of this blog but of my life.

sometimes i worry about the guy i may end up with one day....if he can handle all the baggage i have accumulated but right now, that doesn't even matter......

so all that is off my chest now.......and here i start again

here i start again

exhausted

2005-08-31T15:53:00.000-05:00

well
i give up.......
once again i thought maybe
once again i believed
once again i was stupid
unbelieveably stupid
once again

so this is it
no more secrets
no more entries

i'll still be around in email form for those of you who are interested
or phone_loving_rae76 on yahoo

the end

why i should turn lesbian

2005-08-31T15:46:00.000-05:00

story of my life...

Rae
I think you need to decide what is important to you. I dont think i am what you need in your life right now. I know we have made plans, but i am not sure i can hold up my end of the bargin.
I love the things we talk about, and i love you. But i dont think i would be faithful to you. I know you need some stability in your life.
I also think you need excitement, i think you need to explore eveything life has to offer. I dont think i can offer those things to you. I am just an old man that has big dreams and have never been able to deliver on them

I have never lied to you, and i never will. I can be what ever you need, but i dont think i am what you really want. You need someone that will be true to you, and will love you with all his heart. I will try not to call you anymore and i will make it a point not to call you anymore this week.
I dont think it is fair of me to try and make long range plans for us. I really do love and care about you, but i cant go on hurting you.

I love you and just want you to be happy. I dont think you could be happy with me.
I am very sorry that i got you involved in my life and i hope you find happiness.

nursing a migrane

2005-08-30T05:21:00.000-05:00

....
i have been blessed with many medical complications/wonders in my life and one of those things is having migranes. sometimes they pass pretty quickly and other times i have found myself getting sick in a plastic bag in the drugstore waiting to get my perscription refilled.
i've been dealing with them for several years now and i must say they are my least favorite of the medical mumbo jumbo.
i'm sitting here now at 5:30am and although the migrane is mellowing out, i still feel sick to my stomach and laying down just makes it worse. so instead, i sit here in the dark with a very low glow from my laptop monitor.
my landlord called me yesterday to let me know i could start moving now. he and i have been in this back and forth change of the moving schedule and it was on off on off and then "ok you can move now".....so i feel like i'm once again having to drop everything to accomodate his schedule. but hey, i'm his tenant and i'm moving into his other property now so i feel like i have to follow along with what he wants.

in the personal aspect of my life, i have decided to cool it for a while.......sexually that is. i came upon this conclusion yesterday afternoon when a post that i wrote ended up hurting someone i care a lot about.....and as i started reflecting on my behaviors, i started feeling way more permiscuous (i have no idea how to spell that and i don't care) then i ever have been.
sexually i was a very late bloomer and maybe now i've just let it all get a bit out of hand but need to put myself in check a bit and slow things down.....
i did put an add on adult friend finder to try and find my "casual sex partner" once again but i think i'll be pulling that ad now......i did get an interesting response from a local guy in town so i may continue corresponding with him to see if a friendship could be there.....so we'll see
but until then, i am putting myself in time-out

working on a post

2005-08-28T08:24:00.000-05:00

....
working on a post... a flashback.... but just wanted to put a quick word out there so he didn't think i forgot.....
i received the best oral i have ever had so there is no way i'll ever forget that....
i think he feels i really didn't enjoy myself or i don't want to meet up again....which is not the case at all...so i wanted to make sure first and foremost, before i go into details...that he knows i had an amazing time and want to meet up again
soon

please

butterflies

2005-08-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

...
i'm sitting here looking at my hand and i see the faded star stamp and it makes me smile.
friday "chicago hookup" called me and in a totally unplanned fluke moment, we decided to meet up. i had the night off...and he'd be able to passy by through a city not too far from me. this was our third attempt to meet, so i wasn't banking on it, but the butterflies were still there.....i took a shower, picked out what i would wear and sprayed a bit of perfume (not too much)....a couple phone calls from him and i was on my way.

i hopped in my car and sang loudly to the radio on the way there feeling the butterflies grow stronger and stronger. i drove into the city, called him and found he was only a few minutes away. i sat in my car for just a few seconds, looked over...and there he was.

he told me later i had this look on my face like "holy crap he's really here"

we got out of our cars and hugged....his embrace melted all my nerves (well almost) and he smelled so good.....

we got in his car and drove to a bar and flirted as we walked inside....
he ordered a vodka tonic for me (he remembered what i drank) and he had some nasty mix called a long island iced tea (bleck)...but ofcourse he said my drink tasted like medicine....

but i digress.

the bar was dark and crowded and loud.....a dj had a little booth and was playing music and there were sunken tvs throughout the place. we found a booth and squished in close together. in order to hear each other, we had to talk almost directly into the other's ear...so each time i leaned in, i smelled him .....i just wanted to reach out and kiss him at that very moment but i was still a bit nervous and trying to get comfortable.

we flirted a bit more... a touch here a touch there ...faces really close together. i thought the first kiss was going to happen a few times but he kept teasing me.....telling me i was pulling away... when he was clearly being a tease.... :)

at one point our noses were almost touching and i closed my eyes and finally felt his lips touch mine. as far as first kisses go, that one was for the record books. it was perfect...

i have had some kisses where it just didn't seem to work ...i mean they were ok but somehow always seemed a bit off.....but our lips and tongues worked well together and when i felt his tongue in my mouth for the first time, the butterflies jumped in my stomach and i could feel myself starting to get wet...and more and more as the kissing progressed.
his tongue was nice and think and his lips soft and plump....the perfect kissing combination.

we kissed some more.....unaware of the people passing us in the club....kisses on the lips, a lick to his ear...kisses on the cheek and nose and i leaned in and told him how wet i was getting and how bad i wanted him... he looked at me and said "lets get out of here"

i put my half-empty drink down on the table and scooted out the booth......

we walked out of the bar and accross the street and i saw a hidden doorway and thought to myself "that would be a fun place to make out" and before i could even open my mouth, he pointed to the door and said "that's a good make out spot" i smiled and stepped up into the doorway and put my back into the corner and he faced me with his back to the alley......and there we stood and kissed and touched for a very long time. we kissed and tasted and touched each other and continued even as people passed by us. i was so wrapped up in the moment that i didn't even care.

i have no idea how much time passed until we stepped down and started walking more....only to go to another secluded area to have it begin again.

this time there was more touching......a touch under my shirt, a lick and nibble on my nipples and there i stood in a dark empty parking lot....cumming and cumming.....
he slipped a finger in my pants and felt just how wet i was.....i could feel it running down my legs....and with a touch over his shorts, i felt just how hard he was.

more time passed and we walked to his car and drove so i could use the restroom and then went back in his car to end up at a park.

after waiting for some kids to leave, we ended up on the wet grass kissing and touching and there finally his tongue found my clit and within a few seconds i came once more.

it was then his turn and i rolled him on his back and put his cock in my mouth......
we had phone several times in the past so i knew what he sounded like when he came, but this was the first time i could feel him, taste him, and hear him in perrson.......he came in my mouth and then we both layed there on the wet grass and kissed a bit more after we caught our breath finally.....

we got up got back in his car and drove to mine..... we kissed goodbye and i got in my car and on my way......

there was no fucking but that was the best make-out session i have ever had.......
it was like 2 hours of pure foreplay
maybe even more.......

ex-talk and an explanation

2005-08-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

....
the last actual relationship i was in was with a guy named seth.....he was by far the best boyfriend i ever had and i fell for him and fell for him hard. he is the one that got me my ansal adams print and i have very many fond memories with him. i also remember, however, the day he broke up with me and how shattered i was. i was devistated. i remember one night before he broke up with me, we were standing in his apartment and he was goofing off as usual and i said something to make him laugh and he looked at me straight in the face and said "i love you so much".... i'll never forget that feeling i had when he said that.
i remember him telling me that it wasn't me but all the craziness in his life and his depression and he felt he couldn't be with anyone. at first he told me it was tempmorary but ended up being permanent.
that break up....i lost myself. it made me question myself and what i did wrong and i got lost in all that and vowed i'd never let myself back into that place. i really have never allowed myself to fall for someone since him.
we remain well companions i guess... we talk now and then. he called me today. had been several months since i've spoken with him. ..and he casually told me about his new girlfriend and even after all this time, i felt my heart sink and immediately wanted to say "so it wasn't me was it....." but i know it no longer matters.
so now i'm on this whole "no strings" quest and wonder if i'll ever come to that point again when that barrier is down ...at least a little.
i've had a few devistating losses in my life.....an engagement, a son and him......
not so much in that order.
but talking to him today just made me remember all of that and made me remember that feeling of vulnerability. the thought of being with someone scares me to death but the thought of never being able to love at that level again scares me even more...

ok enough of that vulnerable garbage

am i real?

2005-08-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

...yes i am
and believe it or not, there is more to me than just the sexual aspect....
even though that seems to seep out more than not
so once again here is a list........
will try and keep it non-sexual but i'm sure some tidbits will slip out.......
but here is a bit of me
a bit of rae

currently listening to: a female artist named "pina" and i have her favorite song on repeat at the moment

currently wearing: a tshirt and track pants, silver framed glasses, slippers and a pony tail

last time i talked to my parents: two days ago

song that always makes me smile: "ants marching" by dave matthews

favorite ice cream: peanut butter chocolate from baskin robbins

best friend: nic, i've known her since we were 12

first time i said the "f" word: i was 19....nic and i said it in her car

favorite kind of music: i'm addicted to power females as i call them (pina is one of them)

5 dvds in my collection: space balls, amelie, allison krauss and union station, rudy, willie wonka and the chocolate factory (how is that for variety) oh and then there is labrynth and dark crystal......and the red balloon....

favorite international composer/writer: yann tiersen

countries i've been to: england and mexico

favorite alcoholic beverage: vodka tonic with an extra lime twist

favorite non-alcoholic beverage: sugar free cherry koolaid or lemmonade crystal light

favorite place to be kissed: lips and then my forehead

best compliment to get non-sexual: you make me laugh

dirty talk i love to hear: "i want to fuck you"

favorite photographer: ansel adams

best gift from a boyfriend: an authentic ansal adams limited edition print

best date: a trip to the st. louis art museum on a warm summer evening and on the drive home i could smell the clover fields, the windows were down, and the breeze kept flipping my skirt over my legs

living condition: alone, no pets....living on top of a garrage but soon moving to the house infront of me

best guy friend: bri......have known him for 6 years, met him on icq as a fluke, never did anything sexual and he's become one of my very best friends and is my mister-fix-it bitch

a personal dream i have that not too many people know: i want to play for a major symphony and play on a movie score

instrument i play: fench horn

secret talent: i sing....and sing quite well actually but am always shy about it

learning: guitar...i have 5 chords down now

struggling with: trying to deal with the loss of my son...trying to get back into school to finish my degree and be more motivated about life, like how i used to be

crushing on: more than one

best concert: rufus wainright in chicago (he was amazing)

thing i do in my apartment when nobody is looking: crank up a song and spin around in a circle with my hands above my head

......
and there is a bit of me
i could think of tons more but don't want to bore

on a night off

2005-08-21T00:17:00.000-05:00

...flipping through cds
on a saturday night
a night off
finally
but nothing exciting going on

"ll" has stopped talking to me once again
wish he would have never messaged me in the first place

i did get a massage today......it was amazing and like i could actually feel everything melt away. it was a gift certificate i got for my birthday that i finally decided to use.

i was very wound up today for some reason.....well i know why but i ended up getting off 4 times in about a 2 hour time.

right now i would love to have a good make-out session more than anything else. yes, i said more than anything else....
it's been a while since i've been with a guy who really enjoys that aspect, who really enjoys foreplay. "j" did for the first couple times we met up but that was pretty much it......i love that first kiss, that first feeling.....i need to be kissed. i wonder if i could put an ad on craig's list just for that

"wanted, a man to just kiss me and touch me. no sex.....come prepared to make-out and make-out for a long time"

i'd probably get responses but not the ones i'm looking for....
just like when i placed my last ad on there and made it very clear i wasn't looking for a one night stand and still all the responses i got were like this
"hey baby i'll be passing through your city, wanna hook up?"
"hey baby, i live like 8 hours from you, but i'd be worth the trip"

no thanks, i'll pass.... and i did

i wish i had someone close
someone in my city
that i could play with
be friends with
it's fading out with "j"
and i think i should just end it.......

maybe i just need to be alone for a while
just use the toys for a while
back off trying to find anything

hmmmmm i'll have to think about that

continued conversation

2005-08-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

well the conversation didn't end just there. it went on but i was not able to save it nor the one we had today....
there really isn't enough time (or interest) on the whole background with "ll"
but talking to him last night and this morning has really overwhelmed me a bit and brought back a lot of memories....
he really is the reason i started this whole blog and the reason why i went on a "question" to find a sexual buddy.....

are we going to meet up?
i don't know.....
he said he doesn't want to promise anything because he doesn't want to hurt me again
he doesn't know why he messaged me last night but in the same sentence said he never forgot about me and that the reason it all ended was not because of me but because he felt he wasn't "worth" me......

i don't want to go into it any further really because i don't want to make him look like some "full of it sleezoid" because he was always very nice to me.......

and now it's time for me to go to bed

mumbo jumbo

2005-08-17T18:57:00.000-05:00

...
i feel so behind on this blog of mine....
fortunately i have a bit of time before work now so i can sit here and try and get everything out that's been going on.

last night i got a phone call from "lou" from his hotel....it was nice to hear from him....even though he brought up the fact that we were not going to be meeting wednesday (today) after all. i know we were both looking forward to it.

oh....thanks to all the commenters on this topic of married men lately....even the ones i didn't agree with (smile)....did not know how hot of a topic that was going to be when i started writing about it.

i really do face this whole thing very naively and forget that some people may disagree with what i think, say, and do....but ofcourse all comments are welcome.

i was given the offer to meet up with someone else who lives in chicago.....i've put that on hold now too...i just feel so caught up in this whirwind of mine. i had plans with "lou" and that fell through and now i'm just not ready to jump in with someone else and i've got some personal stuff going on and gas prices are almost 3 dollars in my area now and on and on the list goes.....so i have decided to go with my gut and call that off as well and am just gonna be me for a while and just relax.....

(takes a deep breath)

i did have a visitor late last night though.....
it had been a couple weeks since i had seen "j"....
pretty much thought that whole situation was over and was definitely not going to chase him down so after the first week of no messages from him i just let it go.....
was holding off on finding someone to replace him but was just not going to let myself worry about it.

but late last night he got in contact with me and a bit later, he was knocking on my door.....
before he showed up he asked me what i wanted and i said a good teasing and make-out session would be good. but "j's" concpet of that is far different than mine apparently. he just gets so wound up that it's like he can't help himself....so foreplay is always very limited with him. we did fuck....and fucked hard and then both collapsed onto my bed. he was even too tired to take the condom off and fell asleep on my bed. i looked over and saw it hanging on him still and it made me laugh and then i closed my eyes and i was out.

next thing i know he's kissing my cheek and saying how late it is and that he has to go....

ok i'm sidetracking here but as i was sitting here writing this, i just now got a instant message from "ll" ...my last lover who i have not spoken to in almost a year......and he's just talking normal chit chat like nothing ever changed.....
wow life is weird
don't usually do this but here is the conversation
oh and i know there are typos but i don't feel like fixing them all

him: Hi
me: hi
him: What's up?
me: not much..... what about you?
him: Nothing good
me: sorry to hear that
him: Did you get your boots?
him: Sorry to live it
me: no i never got the boots
me: maybe one of these days
him: Where are you these days?
me: i'm still at my apartment
him: I see. doing what?
me: doing an internship to finish my degree and working full-time overnights right now as an overnight supervisor
him: I see. any taller than before?
me: nope. same height
me: what about you. where are you at what are u doing these days
him: Anything new?
me: hmmm no not really. nothing to speak of. gonna be moving in the next couple weeks but just to the house infront of me so i can have more room and such. but other than that nothing really new
him: Being my friend's bitch until i find something that actually pays ok
him: What about appearance? longer hair? larger breasts? anything?
me: lost some weight..... hair is still about the same.......it is longer but i just got it trimmed so probably wouldn't look much different to you. breasts are still the same as far as i know..... pretty much look the same as you last saw me
him: Lost weight?
him: From where?
me: yeah have been working on that since january......i feel like i look the same but have gone down almost 2 sizes now.......and feel a lot healthier. but chest is still pretty much the same size
him: Do you have a new picture i could drool over?
me: no i haven't taken any pics in over a year now
him: So why are you only on this screen name these days?
me: i just combined everyone onto one list
me: easier that way
me: i still hop over to the other one from time to time.......
him: Oh. so no pictures?
me: no....like i said, i haven't taken any since the ones i showed you before
him: But why not? you were a knockout before. i'm sure that's only enhanced now..
me: no need to i guess....i dunno. did that for fun then just haven't had the need/desire to do anymore i suppose. no real reason i guess
him: If i made a request would that be a 'real reason'?
me: well it would be a reason yes. but right now i don't have a way to do that.....my pc is out for repairs. i'm on a laptop here and can't set my cam up with it.
him: Oh. that stinks. you've aroused my curiosity
me: well i'll take one when i get my pc back
him: Among other things
him: Any idea when that might be?
me: i think i might have an idea but could be wrong
him: Try
me: something i haven't seen in almost a year now
him: Are we talking about What's aroused? or when you'll get your computer back?
me: what's aroused.
me: oh i read taht all wrong
me: but the computer will be probably next week sometime
him: Oh. yeah. but like that's a surprise? you know i always have thought you're a total babe
me: you did mention that from time to time yes
him: I think you're very pretty
me: thanks
him: So almost a year, huh?
me: yep
me: last time i saw you was the night my son died.......which will be a year in september

and now since that last line, it's been 5 minutes with no message back from him.....

whirlwind

2005-08-16T15:07:00.000-05:00

...
well tuesday was postponed to wednesday
and then this morning after i got home from work, i got an email telling me those plans would not work either...
so now there is no set plan on when it will happen.
but i still hope it will happen at one point.....
i do know though that a few doubts may have been stirred or re-inforced through some of the comments i got......but in the end it was just scheduling that got in the way.

he asked me if i was mad, if i still wanted to talk to him....
not mad, but definitely disappointed.
but things happen...work happens, life happens.....
so you just have to roll with the punches and keep going...
he told me he wasn't backing out
or making up excuses
and i believe him.....that's all i need.

justifications

2005-08-13T07:38:00.000-05:00

...maybe "fantasy" is the wrong word...
it's not like i have been on a pursuit on a hunt to be the other woman.....it's not like i have a desire to be a mistress. i have stayed away from many married men. i am not setting out to destroy some innocent woman's trust in her marriage. i don't point fingers at people and their decisions and would like the same respect. opinions are one thing, but making me out to be some sort of marriage destroyer.....comments like that are not necessary.

i guess what i fantasize about most is the "feeling"....the "i'm doing something taboo and there is extra excitement that comes with that" feeling....

i'm not going to sit here and justify why i want to do what i want to do.....
but thanks to jack johnson, i can type out some lyrics to a song that reminds me of the situation i am in.......

.....
when your mind is a mess so is mine i can't sleep
cuz it hurts when i think, my thoughts aren't at peace
with the plans that we make; chances we take
they're not yours they're not mine
there are waves that can break
all the words that we said and the words that we mean
and the words can fall short can't see the unseen
because the world is awake so for somebody's sake
now please close your eyes
please get some sleep

sleep and know that if i knew all the answers
i would not hold them from you
know all of the things that i know
because we told each other there is no other way

too much silence can be misleading
you're drifting i can hear it in the way that you're breathing
we don't really need to find reason
because out the same door that it came well it's leaving
it's leaving
leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
but at least we could sleep, it's all that we need
when we wake we would find, our minds would be free
to go to sleep

sleep and know that if i knew all of the answers
i would not hold them from you
know all of the things that i know
because we told each other there is no other way

in the horizon

2005-08-12T17:07:00.000-05:00

...
life is so strange sometimes. i've talked about that before but just to watch certain doors open up and certain situations unfold....i never like to close any doors cuz i never know what might be brought my way. one just never knows.

and as it comes, i don't like to analyze and figure out, i like to just let it happen....let those feeling occur, don't think about why or how, just let them be....

he found my blog....he will now be known as "lou"
he read all the archives and we talked on instant messenger
and then a phone call and another and another
and now...an opportunity has presented itself and tuesday i may be there...
tuesday

it's all happened so fast but not fast enough
i have had a difficult time getting him out on these pages because it has happened so quickly and not quick enough.
now there may be some who will not approve of this meeting but just so they all know....i am going into this with my head on straight and knowing all the information up front...

he made a comment today "just don't fall in love with me" and i must admit, i didn't appreciate it but it's not the first time a guy has said that to me and i suppose if someone reads my blog they will see that sometimes my emotional attachment gets a bit out of wack...but i'm a grown gal and i can take care of myself and just cuz i may want to share my bed with you, doesn't mean i'm going to "fall".....(talking about "you" in the general sense now)
we straightened it out, he apologized, things are fine.....
but i suppose in his situation he needs to cover his tracks

and chatted with another reader of mine today who made some comment that he'd never leave his wife or get remarried again and i felt like all these men are on this ego trip that i'm just waiting to fall in love with them....or waiting to fall in love in general

but i'm not

....and i don't want either of them to take that personally......
i know neither of you meant it that way.

but tuesday is on the horizon
my tuesday
his tuesday
our tuesday

will it be?

on a roll

2005-08-11T21:56:00.000-05:00

...ok so i'm going post frenzy here but i'm trying to catch up since i didn't blog all week....

i am on this memory lane path tonight....

i have a cd playing a song right now that has attachment to it....attachment to "hd"....it's a song about banana pancakes and staying inside and enjoying the day with someone you love....and it's a song that he used to tell me reminded him of me so everytime i hear it, it makes me remember the good stuff and not all the bad. i still wonder how he's doing...it's been months since i've talked to him now.

and then....

"sg" sent me an offline message the other day to let me know he appreciated me respecting his wishes to no longer talk to me and to let me know i still crossed his mind from time to time...i was surprised to get it but it was nice to hear from him.
i told him a while ago that i took him off my lists but i never did....i have never messaged him since he asked me to not contact him anymore but for some reason, i couldn't delete his name from my list....
so tonight as i was writing, i saw him sign on and then pretty soon a "view my webcam" came up next to his name.
i must admit my stomach sank for a moment because it made me remember those late nights when he would turn his cam on for me... sometimes just sitting there in the dark with a peaceful look on his face . and sometimes i'd turn mine on and just watch him watch me....i really enjoyed our conversations and our cam sessions...he was a lot of tun to talk to and i have a lot of good memories attached to those times as well...
i think of him from time to time as well and hope things are going well for him.

and that's pretty much it for memory lane now
i'm working on a fantasy in an email form and enjoying a night off.....
i've recently been promoted at work so i'm a full-time gal now and doing 10pm-630am 40 hours (thanks for pointing out my typo) a week can wear a gal down.....

so i sit here listening to my cd, wearing my favorite pjs ...tv on but turned town and enjoying....
just enjoying

to do

2005-08-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

i have done several lists on here since i have started this thing
but thought i would do a very small one
it's my "to do" list....
or things i would like to do at some point in my sexual explorations
not all of these are definite "i must do this" but none of them are beyond what i'd do and i have fantasized about all of them on here

1. kiss a woman
2. be involved in a threesome
3. meet someone who reads my blog
4. be with a married man
5. have sex/go down on a man while people are watching on cam
6. have sex with a man while having phone sex with another (without the guy on the phone knowing)

those are a few things that i would like to experirence at one point in my life....
meeting someone who reads my blog and being with a married man are things i have thought about for a while now and have almost happened a few times but so far no luck....

but a new reader of mine lives about an hour from me and we have talked on the phone a couple times now and a planned meeting is in the works. he would fulfill both the "married" and "blog reader" contents of my list.

i know there is another reader who would love that opportunity but he's quite a distance from me and although i don't like to close doors, the possibility of him being the first is probably not realistic...

but in other news

"j" hasn't been around for over a week now.....
i'm really not worried about it. ofcourse i miss the frequent sex but my manual orgasms have been quite sufficient and it's nice to have a bit of a break from him but i wonder how long it will take for me to start looking again...if he doesn't come back around that is.

fantasy file folder

2005-08-11T19:00:00.000-05:00

...
i have definitely made up for the "no sex" weekend...
i have re-aquainted myself with a vibe that has been sitting in my drawer and i have no gotten used to the intensity
over and over and over again (i might add)

when i do masturbate, i usually end up flipping through names and fantasies of men i've either been with or men i want to be with or men i'd never have a chance with but still like to fantasize about....

and as i was flipping through that file folder the other day, i wondered how many different men have thought of me. are there men out there that have masturbated while thinking of me.......and i have no clue about it?

there are a few men i would never admit to that i have thought about and those include

1. my current married supervisor who now has two children
2. my past boss who ended up getting fired for sexual harrassment (not on my behalf)
3. a friend's husband
4. a platonic friend that i have known for 6 years now

and then there are some men who i have either been with or just talked to in the past who i no longer have contact with

1. "ll"
2. "sg"
3. the first guy i was ever with
4. the first guy i ever kissed
5. my one-night-stand

and then ofcourse the current ones

1. "new guy"
2. "chicago hook-up"
3. "j"
4. guy who i haven't thought of how to address in here yet (hmmm what should i call you)

and guilty as charged, someone who probably doesn't even know i have
and i can't mention him in here cuz he reads my blog and i read his blog and i'm not sure yet how he'd feel about being "exposed" on here.....even though i have before but on the general sense....

so that's pretty much my list.

i wish i could know who's list i am on.

any takers?

no sex weekend

2005-08-08T11:11:00.000-05:00

...
it has been 4 days, not only since i've had sex, but since i've gotten off in general (even manually) and i'm practically squirming in my seat.
now i wouldn't say i'm a chronic "manual" gal, but it does seem to be about daily for me...
i can't help it if my sex-drive hormones are always on overdrive...it's not my fault.
but since friday, i have been out of town visiting family and have not had the opportunity nor privacy to take care of any business, and so after i arrive back to my place later this evening, i'm sure i will take care of it before once again going to work...

the first day or so i was ok but last night i was having sex dreams and woke up this morning horny as can be but with my parents lurking over my shoulder (even as i write this), i must supress that inner whore in me and save it til i get home...

too bad there won't be a man waiting for me in my bed when i get back...

kermit or animal

2005-08-05T07:29:00.000-05:00

...over the last couple days a topic has come up between a few random people and i have decided to ponder it, while incorporating the visitor i had yesterday morning.

a couple days ago i had a phone call from a new blogging friend of mine (no it wasn't phone sex...) but we started talking about the difference between love making and fucking and what i preferred.
afection....lust
it seems a combination of both would be nice, but thus far i have not found it.
but as i was thinking more and more about it, i was invisioning either "kermit the frog" or "animal"
what is the lover i gravitate towards?

i am a very affectionate woman but it seems most of the men i end up love affection but aren't so great in giving it.
"j" was pretty good the first time around but more and more now it's a "down to business" attitude.
now, don't get me wrong...i love being fucked.
but sometimes, i miss that affection....
does affection only come with a love-filled relationship?
hmmmm have to ponder on that one myself
but i digress

i have talked a few times about a "friend" of mine who i saw before "j" came into the picture and i hadn't heard from him in a while. well last week he messaged me and asked me what really turned me on....what got me so hot and wet.
i told himi this
"as simple as this may sound, i love being touched.
drag your fingers down my neck, accross my fingers and down my stomac....let your tongue linger on a nipple...glide your hands down my body...kiss me...tell me you want me...give me affection"

the conversation ended and i figured he'd want none of that and on my way i went.

yesterday morning after falling asleep on the couch, i awoke to a bang on the door and stumbled to open it.
it was him...
"what are you doing h e......"
i couldn't even finish the sentence before he put his arms around me and started to kiss me.
my mind started racing and i was thinking of how i was just with "j' and how i have never been with one guy and another and that i should stop him and and and...
but his kiss was gentle and it felt so good and soon we were laying on my bed and he touched me and kissed me and licked me and although he didn't mind my hand wandering between his legs, his concentration fell on me and he rolled me onto my back...him on top...
he played with my hair (huge turn on) and whispered in my ear "do you know how beautiful you look in the mornings?"
and i drifted off into some other world that i felt had not welcomed me in a long time.
the orgasm came quick but lingered....tingles all over
sex didn't happen in the traditional cock in pussy way but he layed me on my stomach and ended up getting himself off and letting it spurt on my back....warm wet...it gave me chills and as he got up to get me a towel and clean me off, i felt completely satisfied.

he got up soon after to go back to work, kissed me on the cheek and i smiled.
he started walking out and i said
"hey, thanks for listening"

so kermit or animal?
i meet a lot of "animals"
but it's nice to bump into a "kermit" from time to time
...
and one more thought
i got an AMAZING email from the one i talked to on the phone the other day about a fantasy he had and it had both kermit and animal aspects and if someone actually ever did that fantasy for me, i would have to say that would be the most spoiled i have ever been....

writing wet

2005-08-05T07:23:00.000-05:00

...
i got off work at 6:30am this morning as usual...and it started to rain some more. rained off and on all night and we heard the echos of thunder from inside the store, rattling the windows, making us squeal like little kids at school.

the ride home, uneventful...played back conversations and laughter that i had shared with co-workers the pervious 8 hours...

rain continued harder and as i pulled onto my street and parked, it was coming down in big round drops. i turned the key, sat there for a moment under the big tree and took a deep breath of the rain-filled sky as i opened my door.

i walked slowly up the street and even slower down the driveway and let the drops penetrate my clothes and start dripping off my hair...
up the back steps, key turned and i was home safe, soaking wet...

there is just something about walking in the rain slow without a care in the world...that is, when you can do that. usually i'm running here and there or trying to keep my hair dry. but today, after working 8.5 hours in a department store and eating chocolate pudding at 5am, i decided to walk slow and let it all wash wash wash away

and now here i am....
writing wet

continuation and an add-on

2005-08-04T20:38:00.000-05:00

...
we went into the bedroom, he layed on the bed on his back and i crawled up to him on my hands and knees.
i kissed his neck, down his chest, his stomach...
and started taking my tongue and licking right above his cock and to the side of it. all around, but not touching his cock....
teasing teasing teasing

his eyes closed and i pressed my face close to his cock and started blowing my warm breath on it...

i sat up, took my shirt off and leaned back down...letting my nipples drag over his shaft.

he moaned, and my nipples hardened and the wetness between my legs increased.

i put my hands on the bed and took my tongue on the undersisde of his shaft and lifted it up into my mouth and then slowly slid it down further and further opening up my throat to take him all the way in.

i held it there.....cock in my mouth to the balls..hands on the bed...and i closed my mouth and throat tight around it and started sucking..

more moans on his end, more wetness on mine

i started slowly moving my mouth up and down his cock then a bit faster and faster until i heard him mumble out the word "condom"

i rolled off the bed and got the condom but decided to tease him a bit more first...

i straddled him with one knee on the bed and one raised with my foot planted on the mattress, so i could get some leverage...and i took his cock with one hand and started gliding it slowly over my slit...(isn't teasing fun)

i pushed it on my clit and started rocking on it....faster faster faster until i felt myself getting close....then i put his shaft back on my slit, balance myself on my knees and with the other hand started playing with my clit until i came all over his cock.....i convulsed hard and felt my wetness drip down all over him....

after i caught my breath, i put his cock back in my mouth tasting all my wetness and that was what pushed him over the edge...

he pushed me off him, said "that's it"...put the condom on and rolled me onto my stomach...

he grabbed my legs, pulling them out so my ass went up in the air and before i had time to collect my thoughts, he started fucking me hard....

slaps on the ass, hair pulling...harder harder harder

my face was burried in the pillow as i slammed back into him in rhythm and i felt myself contract down on his cock as i heard him say "here i go" and a few thrusts later i heard him grunt low and say "fuck yeahhhhhhhhhhh"

i fell onto my stomach
he fell on the bed next to me

and then it was pizza time

the addition to this post is that i had a visitor this morning that was unexpected but to go into this story in further detail, i'll have to once again postpone it becuase (you guess it)..i have to get myself off to work again...

so my apologies !!

outdoor lovin

2005-08-03T21:00:00.000-05:00

...
once again i'm sitting here writing before i dash off to work. so, this post will probably be a bit short but i'll do my best.

a few days ago i had phone sex with "new guy" again...he likes to try different things from time to time. he has me go in the shower, on my bed, on the couch, on the kitchen table...he likes to switch it up from time to time which makes it fun and keeps it interesting. i told him a while back that i'd do it outside for him sometime on my back steps but i'd have to be rather quiet.

he loved the idea and called me two nights ago and asked me if i was willing to do that.

i stripped down, grabbed a blanket and my vibe and headed out to my back steps.

now, although it is a bit bold, i do live in a rather isolated area and my back steps face a hardly ever used alley....

but i did turn off the back light and was very quiet on the phone with him...

i sat on the steps leaned back and used my toy as though he were standing there facing me, fucking me on the steps.

i got off nicely and he did too....
that was a new one for the books...

and onto other news
"j" stopped by last night
we had pizza and ice cream and this time i was smart enough to put the pizza in the oven when he showed up.
"j" tends to be a bit impatient and likes to start messing around right away and well during the pizza eating/tv watching and afterwards and before he leaves and and and

i was curled up on the couch when he came in the door and i was asleep....so he sat next to me and started rubbing my legs which woke me up and then i leaned over on his chest and started to rub his stomach, and as i sat there rubbing his stomach and hearing him moan, i started to see something grow in his pants so i jumped to the opportunity.

i got on my knees on the floor, he still on the couch...got between his legs, pulled his cock through the bottom of his boxers and started licking the head.

it grew harder and bigger and i took off his boxers and wrapped my mouth around it.
his hands now on my head moving it slowly up and down his shaft
i heard him moaning and saw his stomach muscles contracting...

besides playing with my hair and scratching my back from time to time, he reallyl wasn't touching me, but sucking a guy's cock always turns me on and still makes me wet.

he has learned this little fact about me and he knew i was good and wet and ready for him...so he stood up, reached his hand to me and pulled me up and off to the bedroom we went

....
to be continued in a future post
must go to work :)

and then there was one

2005-08-02T17:20:00.000-05:00

...
as i have hinted around before, i am a fan of the buzzing sensation of a vibe. it's a lovely way to get off and is very satisfying inbetween my sexual encounters. although my collection is not extensive i did have two larger size ones and one little one i got as a gift with a porno i bought.
the little one doesn't get me off so it just sits in my drawer but the other two i used at least daily favoring the 7" silver bullet the most. the other one is a vibe with a clit attachment and the shaft part rotates as well...that one is good but sometimes too intense.
i just prefer the standard silver bullet one, that is, until i killed it.
i've had it for about a year now and the other day when i was having phone sex with "new guy" the ball bearings inside gave way and i had to put it to its vibe grave...
i miss it....
cant justify buying another one at this moment in time and did use the rotating one this morning before work but pretty soon i'll have to cave in and replace my silver bullet....
you'll be missed little buddy (at least until you are replaced)

if anyone wants to know the key to my heart and puss...or, well, just my puss...
find me a replacement and i'm all yours :)

a list

2005-07-31T14:53:00.000-05:00

...
in the past, i have done a list of 100 random things about me...
this time, i have decided to do a list of sexual sorts...don't think i'll make it to 100 but here is a list of random sexual tidbits about me

1. i love kissing
2. i have a love/hate relationship with hickies
3. i love being bitten and scratched
4. spanking is a turn on to me
5. i love phone sex
6. i have been fingered in a movie theatre
7. i have broken several vibes
8. i should have stock in batteries
9. i prefer energizer over duracell
10. i have not had a threesome
11. i have never kissed a girl
12. i have cybered with a woman from spain
13. i can get off with just having my nipples played with
14. i have actually squirted on a guy's face
15. i have never hooked up with someone who reads my blog
16. i have met up with someone i have met online
17. i have been fucked with a frozen banana
18. i can cum repeatedly if turned on enough
19. i love dirty talk
20. i am very vocal
21. i have had phone sex while using an ice cube in my pussy
22. i have had wax poured on my back
23. i have been handcuffed
24. i have been blindfolded
25. i have had general kitchen utensils used in my pussy
26. i own 3 porno movies
27. i enjoy anal from time to time
28. i own a pair of anal beads
29. "size" really is not an issue to me
30. i tend to graviate towards older men
31. i love the smell of cologne on a guy
32. i give great massages
33. i have rimmed a guy (and he loved it)
34. i have been told i give bjs like a porn star
35. yes, i swallow
36. i have gotten myself off in my car before
37. i have performed road head
38. being kissed on my neck is my weak spot

ok 38 is all i could think of at this moment....was grasping straws to try and get to 40 but alas, i give up at this point....

and that concludes my random sexual list

a letter

2005-07-30T20:45:00.000-05:00

...
dear " "

i got home from work at 6:30 this morning, took the phone into the bahtroom with me just incase you called and took a long shower. i shaved my legs and my little kitty the whole time with butterflies in my stomach.

when i got out of the shower, i was careful to put on lotion that didn't smell like perfume and was quick to dry my hair and put on makeup.

for clothes i decided once again to wear jeans with no panties and a tank with no bra underneath. i wanted to be prepared, just incase...and i though we'd both be hoping for a "just in case"

i finished getting ready and with no call yet, decided to lay down on my couch and wait...

this time, i'd be ready, this time, we'd meet in time, this time i'd finally meet you...this time all of our phone conversations would become real...and this time, i would have met someone who read my blog.

my phone rang and when i answered, the butterflies returned but instead it was not you, it was a friend of mine wanting to know what i was planning to do with my day

"i'm gonna catch on sleep today, since i have to work tonight", i said...he did not know of my plans. the conversation ended, and i layed back down once again waiting for your call.

in the email you sent me last it said "i will call you when i am about 2 hours from our spot and it will be anywhwere from 9-12" so even though it was now 9am, i was still not worried...

i closed my eyes on the couch and that was it.
asleep

i woke up again at 2pm
no phone call to speak of
no email

i got up, got a glass of water, put my pajamas back on and crawled back into bed to sleep a bit more.

i guess it's not meant to be, this meeting of ours...i guess it's time to let go.
not even an explanation of what occurred
but at least you gave me butterflies
and i haven't felt that in a long time

thanks for that,

rae

my life according to sex and the city

2005-07-27T21:10:00.000-05:00

...
sex in the city is playing in the background. had a conversation with my best friend about this show. he, being a guy, hates it.... (like most men i know), but i am getting quite hooked on it and the sexual banter is quite enjoyable to me.
so with that i'll continue...

first off, thanks to all the commenters who gave me sympathies about my son. i really appreciate the condolences...

am leaving for work in about 15 minutes. got out of the shower, put on a towel and was picking up laundry and random cups around the apartment when i saw it sitting on my nightstand....the golden wrapper with the words written on it "magnum"

in my life, i have been with two men who have needed the larger sized condom....the golden wrapper (is that supposed to be like a golden ticket or something? hmmmm i never thought of that)

anyhow i digress

"hd" was the first and now "j"
yes, "j" is a big man...in more ways than one.

i'm not going to go into a whole thing on whether or not size matters but i will say that "j" knows how to use what has been given him and yes

we hooked up last night

around 12:30 this morning, he sent me an offline message telling me he was needy so after a quick scamper to the bathroom to brush my teeth and trim up the kitty, he was here in my apartment once again.

we started off with the traditional bj and as he started pulling me ontop of him i went with it...the wrapper got torn open, the condom slipped on and i was back on top riding him. that was the first time for me being on top with "j"

i must confess that i have never felt truly comfortable in that position becuase i am a larger girl...so i have never really been able to just let go. but with him it was easier. since he is a bigger guy, my legs fit nicely on either side and i was able to just close my eyes and let it happen....

after a bit of that we ended up in the traditional doggy style where i then collapsed and he soon after, ontop of me...

and then tongight, picking up my place, i saw the wrapper, tossed it in the trash can, and smiled

inventory

2005-07-26T07:30:00.000-05:00

i have a few new readers now and decided it was time again to put a sort of collection together of who i am and tidbits about me and some answers to some questions that have been asked of me lately... now is the time to introduce and re-introduce my readers, to me...

so come in, take a seat and enjoy...

ok who am i?

my name is rae and i'm a 29 year old female that lives in the midwest...illinois to be exact. i am a graduate student who is taking a break at the moment but hopes to graduate in the field of substance abuse counseling by next may. i live in a cute little apartment and for the first time in my 29 years of living, do not have a roomate to speak of...

how do i make a living?

i am working fulltime as a overnight supervisor at a "department store" and am in charge of a crew of workers that either put out merchandise or set the store for sales. i can wear my pajamas if i want to and have no customers i have to deal with. it's a perfect match for me at this time in my life...the hours are a bit rough though. i come home around 7am...hence my usual early morning posts on here.

who is the cast of characters in this blog?

i won't be able to remember every guy i have mentioned in here but for the most part there are the following characters

"new guy" is a reader of mine who i started emailing and then talking to on the phone. he lives in texas, so the possibility of a hookup is pretty near impossible but he has become a dear friend of mine and is a very frequent phone sex partner of mine.

"j" is the current guy i've been seeing. we are not dating but purely in a sexual relationship. he lives in my city and is around my age and right now things are on a bit of a hiatus due to his current personal situation...no he is not married but is still in a rather complicated relationship.

"chicago hook up" is also a reader of mine. we have made two attempts at meeting now but hopefully will be able to make it a reality soon. he will be the first reader (and probably last) that i have hooked up with.

"hd" is one of my ex's ( i know it sounds like i've had 50)...he's the one i loaned a bunch of money out to try and help his situation with his kids and have thus put myself in financial jeopardy. we started off as friends and then started dating then started working together and then stopped dating to have our relationship turn into a messed up sexual one. i have not heard from him in a couple months now.

i have yet to name my other friend that lives in town. we hook up on occassion but have never dated. he has sex with me and then i don't hear from him for a couple months or so. before "j"...he was the one that was somewhat fulfilling my sexual needs.

"ll" was my last long-term lover before "j"...he was an older man (43 to be exact) and THE best lover i have ever had. he would stay the night with me afterwards, sometimes surprise me with different fantasies i had and knew how to make me laugh. i still fantasize and think about him although i have not had sex with him in over a year now. the last time i saw him was the night of my son's funeral last september. i met him at a gas station parking lot and he gave me a hug and i cried.

you had a son?

yes i did...last june i had a baby boy. i had him by an emergency c and he was 1 pound when he was born. he lived at the hospital until september where he died from pnemonia. i named him after my grandfather, my father, and my brother...3 men i will always look up to.

am i still in contact with the father?

i am no longer in contact with him...we were together and to be married when i got pregnant. we lived in different states and i visited him often but the relationship ended in the second month of my pregnancy when things started getting complicated. i was in the hospital when he broke up with me...the last thing i heard from him was "i can't take this shit anymore" i had his rights terminated before giving birth.

when was your first sexual experience?

you may be surprised....i won't give the exact age but i was in my 20s. i grew up in a very christian, strict household and stayed that way until i moved out on my own. but even though it may look differently, my "count" just went onto my second hand recently. so i'm not a prude but wouldn't call myself a "slut" at least not yet ;-)

ok i've got more to write but i think i'll save it for another post so this doesn't keep going on and on....

any readers have some other or specific questions they'd like me to answer?
feel free to ask

stay tuned for part two of my inventory

a quickie

2005-07-25T21:05:00.000-05:00

...no i'm afraid it's not that kind of quickie...
but always nice to dream

just a quick post before heading out the door to go to work.

i decided to respond to the comment about the threesome on here...

as far as bringing up a threesome with your wife goes. that is a pretty tricky situation. if she has never talked about it, and never hinted at the idea of being interested in that, i would be hesitant on bringing that up. i do not know how your relationship is with your wife but a lot of women can be turned off by that fact and then can start questioning whether or not they alone are sexually satisfying to their guy.

i personally have decided that if i do this, i will do it while i'm not committed to a man because i think i personally would have issues after the fact with the man i was committed to. but that's just me....

if you still want to bring it up to her, i'd suggest just tossing the idea out generally and see how she responds. do you two ever watch porn together? if so....how does she respond to threesomes? does she seem into it? turned off? if you haven't watched porn together...that may be something to try. that can be fun if the gal is into it.

i don't have any solid advice to give to you...like i said, it's a tricky situation.

now that this whole threesome has started for me, i want to be actively involved in picking the girl too so if you do get to that point of actually planning it, make sure you allow her to participate in setting it up as much as she'd like to...you definitely want to try and include her in this process....

but i'm not sure how good of an advice giver i am......

let me know if you have more specific questions....

explanations

2005-07-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

...
yesterday i was going through my blog and seeing if there were any comments i missed and came accross one from "chicago hookup" and a response from "new guy"
although the comments were not directed towards me, they still made me feel rather awkward and in a bit of an uncomfortable position.

now in "new guys" deffense...the comment he left about guys having to have his permission before playing with me was more of a joke than anything else. i have had online friendships in the past that have gotten weird ("sg" for one) and to try and keep that from happening again, "new guy" and i have this deal where we are always open with each other...he knows who i sleep with and i know who he sleeps with...it keeps things open and no secrets allow things to stay fun and simple and feelings don't get hurt...in reality, he knows i'm a grown woman and can be with whom i choose...the comment was not meant to be taken seriously but more in jest...

but in defense of the "chicago hookup" i can see where he was coming from and can't deny that his coming to my defense made me feel special and that he was looking out for my best interest.

so i hope that clears the air a bit and that there will be no more "comment wars" in the future...i love all my comments and appreciate them all but it was not intended to be a place for commenters to vent...unless they are venting about something i specifically wrote....that ofcourse is welcomed.

i tease "new guy" a lot about all the crushes he has...he is totally girl crazy, but i must admit i am quite guy crazy myself...

"chicago hookup" is one of the guys i have a crush on and a man i would love to hook up with...we had a planned meeting a few weeks ago but it fell through because on my way to chicago, i had a rather horrible trip with traffic jams and hotel mixups and was more than 3 hours late without a cellphone to reach him. he showed up at our designated place with me nowhere to be found and it sucked...not just because we were unable to meet, but because he went out of his way to meet me.

i know we were both really looking forward to it. he and i have been in contact for quite a while now...and in fact i was talking to him even before "new guy" came into the picture.

there is somsething about him that i am so attracted to...so sensual and hungry. it is such a turn on. i emailed him today and i hope he knows i really want to hookup still...i have a list of men i want to hook up with (is that horrible?) and he is there...high on the list and he knows it...

chicago hookup...please tell me it can be arranged somehow

to 3 or not to 3

2005-07-21T16:09:00.000-05:00

...
so that is the question right now, "to 3 or not to 3"

"j" came on last night and brought up the 3some idea again...has a willing partner and wants to know if i am interested.

i must say i am a bit interested but also hesitant. it's something that i've talked about doing for a while now but now that the situation has actually presented itself, i'm not sure how ready i am to actually go through with it.

has anyone out there done that? and how has it gone? any regrets?

part of me thinks i should just go through with it...i mean "j" and i aren't dating so it's not like there will be any weird strings or feelings afterwards and i'd be concerned of some confusion afterwards if i was in a serious relationship with the person...

so maybe this is the best time?

reflecting

2005-07-20T09:48:00.000-05:00

...
i hope that he does not mind this, but "twisted" left a comment for me on his blog and it's made me reflect on things...

i figure since the comment was to me that it would be ok to post it here.

"I have had times in my life when i was getting it all the time and was still not satisfied. I dont think your looking for sex, i think your looking for sex with someone that loves you.
Just my opinion."

...i'm not sure how i feel about that comment. at this point in my life i'm not ready to be in love with someone and am not wanting to be in love with someone...not trying to be defensive or disregard what he has said but in the last year i have lost a love and a son and the concept of love is definitely not on my top list of desires at this time. i understand what he was saying but i think the "unsatisfied urges" i have aren't necessarily about love or at this point in my life not loving anyone...but simply about having a very high sex drive...
even when i was with my ex...i still felt like i could never get enough, but not in a bad way...not like i was some nympho looking for my next fix but simply just always wanting it...

reading too much into it? maybe
a bit defensive? maybe that too...

but for now i'll just enjoy getting it and waiting for the next time

back in the picture?

2005-07-20T07:59:00.000-05:00

...
a while back, i talked about a "friend" of mine who i hooked up with occassionally and that i was looking for someone more consistent so i was putting him on the back burner for a while...maybe permanently.
the other day he came online and we started chatting and he kept telling me he viewed me as his girlfriend but wasn't wanting anything serious but he loved me...and on and on he went, but the thing that was strange to me is that he would come over here and then not talk to me, not for a day or two but for weeks or even a couple months, and then call me and want to plop back into the picture. i just don't operate that way and told him that. i'm not looking for a serious relationship, but don't treat me like some object to get yourself off on...
so i ended things with him once and for all with a bit of attitude on the side from him.

then yesterday my ex contacted me with this plee of getting back together again. he's the one who's engagement ring still sits in a box on my shelf. if he would have said this to me even three months ago, i probably would have given it serious thought, but i'm a single gal and enjoying it now and not looking to be involved with anyone in that manner i was with him...at least not for a while.

it's so strange that when you are ready to let go, the past seems to creep back in...or at least try to.

"j" contacted me through an offline message on possibly hooking up tonight or tomorrow since i'm off work two nights in a row now...should i accept? i'm not sure...but damn the sex is hot and it temporarily feeds my craving...

and thanks for the lovely comments lately!!!
"new guy" you are the bestest

and mister new commenter "twisted" ...i'm not sure if the guys in my life are lucky or not but pleasing a man is definitely top on my list...

and please sign me up for getting pleased as well...an extra helping too

i must confess

2005-07-19T18:06:00.000-05:00

...am watching the animal planet channel and i don't know his name but they guy that helps people regain control of their pets is on there and i must confess i think he's totally hot...
everytime i see him on tv i go into "fantasy mode"
and actually...he reminds me of "sg"
i was so attracted to "sg"
i remember sitting at my desk late at night and watching him on cam...he'd just be sitting at his desk, in the dark, with his hands on his face and it would make me so hot...
i wanted him so bad...still do actually.
so even though i no longer talk to "sg" at least i have this animal planet guy to help me still fantasize about him...

is it wrong to still fantasize about someone who no longer wants you?

and his voice? the thought still gives me chills....

warm wet steel

2005-07-19T06:46:00.000-05:00

...my vibrator is sitting on my bed right now
it's still warm to the touh, as i just got myself off nice and good...
there is just something about feeling that cold steel enter me and then feel it get warmer and warmer to the touch with every thrust...
and now it sits there, warm still and shiny from the aftermath of my wet pussy...

worked last night and got off earlier than usual and after i send this post, will be going to sleep to get some much desired rest.

gwen stefani is playing in the background.

i saw "j" the other night again...made him dinner and then once again we ended up in my bedroom. seems to be a pattern with us. i'm still not sure if it's a good idea for me to keep seeing him, especially with the current situation which i have not elaborated on and probably won't...but "new guy" knows what's going on.
any advice mister new guy? :)

he attempted to arrange a threesome last night. i know...almost every guy's fantasy right? and i didn't allow it to happen. it's not that i don't think about it or would never let it happen but he sprung it on me without even discussing it and without me even knowing the girl and i just didn't feel prepared for that. i think in order for me to do the threesome, i'd have to be in a comitted relationship and not just fucking around with someone.

"j" is definitely not relationship material for several reasons and i know our relationship is purely sexual, mixed in with a bit of friendly exchange, but mostly sexual...

i had phone sex again with "new guy" on saturday...and ofcourse it was amazing once again. this time he had me play in the shower. he had me get in the bathroom, turn the shower on and put the phone next to it...then after lathering myself up, he had me play with my ass and then just cum as i felt it...i couldn't tell if he could hear me lear enough but afterwards when i picked the phone back up, he said he heard me loud and clear and it was amazing. i was glad he enjoyed that as much as i did.

although i did have sex sunday, i'm craving it again and torn on if i should attempt to hook up with "j" again or once again use that warm wet steel

updates and some ketchup

2005-07-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

...just plopped myself down to do some updating on here and as i took a bite of my meatless burger, a nice glop of ketchup decided to land on my laptop...
hence the title "updates and some ketchup"

let the updates begin...

i emailed "sg" a quick email the other day just to let him know i was thinking of him and hoping he was well...no response from him, and not even sure if he read the email or not. i know longer have the "i totally fucked up" attitutde, but it always sucks when a friendship ends.

i did email the chicago hookup that never happened and although i know he's not mad about it, i still have the feeling he thinks i blew him off on purpose. my trip to chicago was a lot of fun but the trip down left a lot to be desired.

i had phone sex with "new guy" the other night...we have a planned meeting to talk tonight but we'll see what happens. i think we both wish...well i know we both wish we lived closer to each other because there is a friendship there beyond just the phone sex (although i definitely have no complaints on that).

i saw "j" before i went to work on monday. i have a gut feeling though that monday night will be our last time. he gave me some information i was unaware of which made me question if our meetings was a good idea or not and my hesitation turned him off and i haven't heard from him since. but i must say that the sex was amazing...and

i posted months back how i had a very difficult time with anal and was never able to get a guy fully in me...and "j" succeeded at that, and not because he was small either...but because i have been training my ass with my toys and becuase he had me lay flat down on my stomach and was very slow and patient and entered that way. so my "ass cherry" has been popped now.

but alas, i think it's over once again and i'm back to the drawing board on what i should do next.

i really didn't have much success with my ad.

is there nobody that lives in my city that wants a fuck buddy???

goodness me

splints and a first aid kit

2005-07-14T04:01:00.000-05:00

it's 4am and i'm still awake
i've been attempting to go to sleep for the last 4 hours to no avail...
tossing and turning on my couch playing and replaying negative thoughts ranging from the lack of money always hanging over my head to all the faulty relationships i've had in the past...

one by one i was sorting through the men who have been in my pants, my bed, my heart...one by one i was arranging them in some sort of twisted order of who hurt me the most...

i bounced through my baby's father and the memory of meeting his parents, the memories of sitting on the floor infront of him watching tv while he rubbed my shoulders and scratched my back..and the memory of him hanging up on me telling me he couldn't take it anymore...it has been over a year since i've spoken to him.

and then the man who i loaned out money that i didn't have in order to help him, to never see the money again and put myself in financial jeopardy....

and who could forget the most recent...the one who's pillow case i still sleep with...the one who's engagement ring still sits in a little box in my room...the one who i stupidly called an hour ago looking for some sort of comfort, only to hear "i can't talk right now"

through the tears and tossing and turning, i happened accross "the brady bunch" as i was switching channels and they were talking about alice and her broken heart and bobby said "i'm afraid even splints and a first aid kit couldn't fix that"

and it brought a smile onto my face

sometimes i feel like a big 'ol mess....i choose the wrong guys, i let the choices of others and the path of life hurt me so much. so this time i was on a quest to find a fuck buddy...to find someone with no strings, find someone i knew there could never be a future with...someone i could detach myself from and just feed my carnal desires and now that i found him, i see even that plan that i thought was flawless has glitches in it...even with that, i am not satisfied, and even with that comes problems

is it the men i choose? is it me? a combination of the two?

i love reading "married man's" drunken posts because he opens himself up to be vulnerable. i am not drunk but i feel at that state mentally.
i'm clinging to a pillow case belonging to a man who's engagement ring sits in a dusty box in an abandoned drawer while "splints and a first aid kit" stream through my thoughts...

layers and layers of broken hearts from men who really never gave a shit about me...and each broken heart pushing me into what seem like similar choices.

so i sit here now at 4am in a standstill of knowing where to go, who to talk to, what to do and all i know to do is hang on...

i'll probalby delete this post tomorrow once i realize just how naked this post really is and just how much it has exposed me...

i must say that all the relationships in my life are not bad and there are a few men in my life who have given me that glimmer of hope....

a certain person in chicago who has brought a smile to my face on more than one occassion and even though a planned meeting fell through, he also reminds me to find good and comfort in the little things even when splints and first aid kits can't help.

and then there is the "new guy"... he and i will probably never meet face to face but we have formed a strong friendship and hearing his voice and reading his words always brings comfort and a smile to my face.

and also the readers who sometimes stop by to see what's going on in my life and heart and even drop a few lines in a comment from time to time
or an email, to let me know they are still around...

it is those things that help me move on, hang on...

confirmed

2005-07-04T23:33:00.000-05:00

...well it did happen that monday night
"new guy" said it would be sunday....but no....
the plan was for him to come over for pizza
and to watch a movie
so i picked him up on my way to get pizza and we pulled up to my place
the drive was pretty relaxed..just light conversation and he would lean in from time to time and touch my hair.
however, as soon as i walked in to the apartment and locked the door behind us, he walked up to me, put his arms around my waist and started kissing me...
kissing on my neck
my chin and lips
a hand wandered down my shirt underneath
on top of my bra
underneath it
an errect nipple
and then the other
hand dragged down stomach
to jeans....
unbutton, unzip
off
hands roaming over panties
slipped under
pulled down
and in a moment
inside me
deep inside
the pizza got set on the counter
i stepped out of my jeans and panties and left them on the kitchen floor
we walked to my room
me in front and him behind
hands still on my nipples
walking me to my bed
i layed down and he ontop
lots of teasing
kising nibbling biting
fingers back inside
fingers on clit
moaning groaning
me
cumming
cumming
cumming
fingers up to mouth
sucked clean
him looking at me
me looking at him
knowing it was time
leaned over bed
opened drawer
condom opened
condom slipped on
me on back
him on top
feeling it slide in
so amazing
deeper
tight
hard
so hard
bite marks on my nipples and neck
pulling my hair
pushing into me as he came
collapsed onto bed
pounding hearts

amazing

2005-06-24T19:54:00.000-05:00

i chatted with the local guy yesterday...will call him "J" for identification purposes...
we decided to hang out monday night...get a pizza, watch a movie.
although we live about 10 minutes from each other, our schedules are totally flip flopped, and it makes it a bit difficult to plan times to meet.
he is out of town this weekend and i work all weekend so the plan is to meet up on monday.
now the one i refer to as the "new guy" said that "J" and i will be having sex by sunday...but since we aren't meeting until monday, i'm afraid he will lose that little bet ;-)

i'm not so sure if monday will be the night or not. "J" told me that he'll be in my pants in less than 3 weeks...
i'm just not wanting to totally jump into anything because i'm not looking for a one night stand so holding out a bit to see how he's viewing things...not giving him everything so quickly but trying to give him enough to stick around.

so will it be monday??
even on the first night we met, it was very difficult for me to keep my foot down and to not just beg him to slide inside me...
we played for like 3 hours before finally falling asleep and although it was an amazing time, the sexual tension proved to be a bit frustrating as well...

we'll see what happens on monday

found?

2005-06-22T03:28:00.000-05:00

...
two nights ago a guy popped online who lives in my city and we started chatting...
we have chatted over the last 8 months or so now and he had brought up the conversation of meeting but it just never happened for one reason or another.
i'm not really sure why us meeting never happened. one time when it was planned he canceled, another time i couldn't make it and i just gave up on the idea of meeting him...until sunday night.
he came over to my place and we started watching a movie. nothing was planned between us...just to meet and hang out and go from there. he showed up my door
6 foot 3 inches
225
bald head
he gave me a big hug at the door and we were off to a good start
the movie started and a few flirtatious touches were exchanged...
he sat between my legs with them draped around him and i started rolling his shoulders
he smelled amazing
his eyes were closed and i heard him moaning and saw his body relaxed...
he got up, sat next to me, turned my chin to meet him and kissed me
it was a very gentle soft innocent kiss
his lips were thin but warm and inviting
and mine playfully wrapped around his and started sucking on his lower lip
my tongue slipped out and found his
nice and thick
we started kissing a bit more urgently and he stood up held out his hand and i got up and he led me into the bedroom
we didn't have sex but pleasure was definitely given on both sides
and around 1am we decided he would just crash at my place....
there are a lot of details so if someone leaves a comment wanting to know them, i can write another more detailed post explaining all that occurred during that time...
around 3am we finally fell asleep and he was on his way to work around 7am....
conversation flowed, we laughed, he is very affectionate and i think maybe i found what i have been looking for...
someone local
nothing serious
someone as horny as me...
as he left he gave me a hug and said he'd talk to me soon
i saw him again monday night....gave him a bj in his van before i went to work....
i'm going into this very slowly but it looks like i may have finally found him....

laid up with the hook up

2005-06-19T09:15:00.000-05:00

... computer is still out of commission unfortunately but the upswing is that a friend of mine is letting me borrow his ibook until the pc gets fixed so i no longer have to drive to the library or pay to check my email... and the even better thing is that i am now actually laying in bed as i write this.
gosh i want one of these. any sugar daddys out there available?
i would like an ibook please, about 50 some cds and 20 some books and a ton of bing cherries to start ...will let you know if anything else comes up.
i had the most amazing phone sex the other night with "new guy"...
he had me do something i had never done before which at first i thought was strange until we got into it. he had my put a condom on my vibe....
fortunately i keep a box in my drawer for "just in case" moments (which i haven't had in a while now) and so i had easy access to one.
i did as he asked and put the condom on and was fucking my pussy like he would be fucking me...and then i remember telling him i wanted to feel his cum inside me and him telling me to take the condom off and stick it back in...and as soon as i did that i came hard and i heard him cum the loudest i have ever heard him...
i must admit i thought it was strange at first but the outcome was quite amazing actually...

have had no bed companion as of late except my borrowed lap top and my stuffed animals...the guy who responded to my ad is really cool but i just don't think things will ever work out.

not exactly sure how to find what i want...not wanting to give up but not sure how to get it...how do i go after what i want....

i haven't read any blogs for a couple weeks now....kinda focusing on my own stuff at the moment but am sure i can catch up here within the next couple days

would love to have something to cuddle with besides this computer and my battery powered toys...

sigh

explanations

2005-06-16T07:04:00.000-05:00

haven't been online in a while now
computer malfunction
am actually at a place of business spending .20 cents a minute
to just try and catch up with things...
so until the computer is fixed, this blog will be abandoned
do take care of it

...
also received a very "awakening" email the other day
from a man's wife who i had been corresponding with...
i have not had an affair with a married man
however, i must admit in the past i have had phone sex with one or two...
and about a year or so ago, he was one of them...and we had exchanged emails as well
but never met
i never felt guilty about it really...played it off as innocent fun and flirting...
and have not been in contact with him in over 7 or 8 months now
but received an email from his wife
letting me know she found out about me and all the other women he had correspondence with
and was glad that he and i found each other since we both had no conscience or value as human beings...
i have never met this woman, but her words made me want to crawl into a hole and stay there...

so now i sit here with wounds, trying to lick them and carry on with my life

ramblings

2005-06-08T17:51:00.000-05:00

* had the worst migrane of my life at work last night...got sick twice...sent home at 3am...took mingrane medicine at 3:30am...went to drug store at 7am...got sick in a plastic bag while purchasing medicine and a bottle of water...fell asleep around 8am...slept until 2pm...feeling much better

* sunday would have been my son's birthday...he would have been one...celebrated by making cookies and going to a movie with a friend.

* still talking to the guy who responded to my ad...have talked on the phone a few times now...still corresponding through email and although he is living in san francisco, if he does end up moving to st. louis, i think there will be a meeting there.

* talked to new guy on the phone the other night and was a good release for both of us.

and that's it for now

sex and a phone call

2005-05-31T13:40:00.000-05:00

...two good things transpired today that were both unplanned.

first thing was an unexpected drop in from my "once-a-month" guy who was passing through and called to stop by.

it wasn't a planned meet for a sexual encounter but when he showed up, i was still in my pjs and when we hugged, my chest pressed against his and the thing material i was wearing, brushed against my nipples and they hardened.

he sat on the couch and i bent down to pick something up and he commented on them...

"someone is turned on i see" he said...and i blushed and rolled my eyes.

he stood up, hugged me again and walked me into the bedroom...

his skin was warm and he moaned as my fingers romaned his body and when he said "take off your pants", i took them off instantly and assumed the position of being on my knees with my ass in the air and legs spread...

he put his hands on my hips and glid his cock head over my slit and then slowly entered me...

as he started fucking me, my thoughts started drifting off to someone else fucking me...someone else being inside of me...and i couldn't help but fantasize about him and had to bite my lip to keep from saying his name.

my skin flushed, my breath quickened and i was taken over and over again by pleasure before collapsing back onto the bed...

he gave me a hug and kiss and was on his way.

...
i swapped pictures with the guy from my ad today....he was not disappointed with the exchange and neither was i. he hopped online for a bit while he was at work and then a phone call transpired.
he told me he only had a few minutes to talk but 40 minutes slipped by so quickly that it seemed only like a few minutes.

"married man" talks a lot about mental matches and me and this guy definitely have that...he reads biographies like me, he likes sushi, and we have a lot of the same passions and are even in the same professional field...

i'm glad he didn't listen to me when i said not to email me if there is distance but definitely not putting all my eggs in one basket yet...
on the phone we had a bit of a vocabulary challenge and i am proud to say that i won :)

ad revived

2005-05-31T09:13:00.000-05:00

well i spoke too soon about my ad dying...
the guy i posted about earlier has returned back to email land and we have started corresponding again...
going to do the picture swap today but i'm not too concerned about it since i described myself as a plus-size gal in my ad....so he can't say i didn't warn him...
conversation flows pretty easily and personality wise we seem to click so far...
he mentioned a phone call so we'll see how that goes...

philosophized

2005-05-30T10:13:00.000-05:00

...

this quote is on one of my friend's blogs that no longer posts...

"There are times when a man should be content with what he has, but never with what he is." ~ William Jordan Philosopher & writer

...went to his blog just to remember all the posts that used to be there and the conversations we have had over this wonderful journey i refer to as "life"...

i have always struggled with that term "content"...
and use this quote, not to debate his reasons for stopping his blog or his perspective on that quote, but rather on my acceptance of that word in my life.

for some reason i tend to link the words "content" and "settling" together, even though i know they are entirely different...

but i'm sitting here on this monday morning at 10am with ben harper playing in the background and wondering if i should just be content with my "once a month" sexual buddy that i currently have or if i should continue to pursue it...

is there a difference between being content with material possesions and being content in one's personal, emotional life? must we settle in the land of "mediocre"? must we? must i? must we stay with what we know and what we have come to expect and the roles that have been mapped for us, or can we truly never stop searching?

is my heart created to never be satisfied? always wondering what else is out there??

just random thoughts inside rae's brain today...feel free to take a detour from this post if you don't like what you read.

debate

2005-05-30T10:02:00.000-05:00

..was having a small debate with one of my co-workers the other night...
we started at the same time and got our 90-day reviews and when he came back from his, i asked him how it went and he said that the bj he gave our boss really helped increase his raise...

i laughed and commented that i was scared to find out our female boss had the proper equipment to receive a bj...

and then we went on to discuss the general term "bj" and how it can cover both men and women...

he said that he and his friends call it a "bj" even if it's the oral version being performed on a woman.

i guess i just always distinguished the "bj" for a male and "eating out" for a woman...

or general terms for both sexes...."going down on someone"

so we went back and forth on this and he came to the conclusion that "you are just a freak"

and well, he's probably right...
but here is the question

am i the only one that distinguishes the two?

"bj"...can it be used as a term describing going down on someone for both genders? or is it male gender specific

dead in the water

2005-05-30T09:53:00.000-05:00

...well it looks like my ad may be dead already.
i haven't gotten any more emails from the first guy
and besides a few attempts at random hook-ups, i really haven't gotten any other responses.

i figured this may happens since i was looking pretty specifically for something and since craig's list doesn't offer anything in my city, i had to post in one about an hour or so from me...

so that definitely made my "locatin is important" factor a bit difficult to achieve.

not really wanting to do any sort of paid site and not wanting to compromise my distance factor because that will just open up the "one-night" field which i'm really not interested in.

what's a gal to do???

guy number one

2005-05-26T18:30:00.000-05:00

here is a break-down of a "possible" who responded to my ad

location: about an hour and a half from me which could prove to be my sole rejection factor...consistency is key here and that is a bit far for that to happen

personality: a bit sarcastic which i like and said "i do understand that location is an issue to you..but lets not cut this avenue too short just yet"

physical stature: i'll just spit this back out according to his words
a bit about me: i am tall and attractive. ..6ft 3 250..i have jet
black hair with style, i have a full set of lips, nice
tan, great smile and scent too.i take pride in my
apperance. i used to play football when i was in
college. defensive end by the way

...a guy actually bigger than me??? i didn't even ask for that in my ad because i figured i couldn't be so greedy but someone taller and heavier? i lucked out on that one

so 2 out of 3 with this guy

back on the saddle

2005-05-26T07:12:00.000-05:00

...way way in the beginning when i started this blog, i was on a quest to find a sexual partner/friend
not so much a heavy duty relationship, but a friendship where i could indulge on the sexual side at least more than once a month (which seems to be my trend)
"married man looking" pointed me towards craig's list and off i went posting ads...
i had a couple bad experiences with that site and decided to give up on my quest and throw in the towel and complain about my pent up sexual tension and drive my toys to the ground
and then two days ago, i decided to go at it again...
partly due to a conversation i had with the "new guy"
partly from reading "married man's" blog
and partly cuz i'm getting tired just sitting and waiting to find what i want and need...
so i placed and ad and have had one nibble so far but hopefully can work out my ad to be mroe characteristic of what i'm really looking for...
my number one focus is that this man will be local, at least close enough where frequency is not a problem...
i'm not looking for a one-night stand or a onece-a-month kind of person...
i have the once-a-month person and one-night-stand i am not...

so, thin skin, toughen up and get ready to face whatever brings you

confessions

2005-05-24T20:13:00.000-05:00

playing email tag right now with
the "new guy"
playing out a fantasy of him and me in the bathroom
while he's sitting in a library and i'm sitting in front of my computer, about to take a shower and get ready for work...
he's very creative in his ideas and fantasies and the way he presents them
always a turn on

we had phone sex last night and in the course of that both confided we have gotten laid within the last month...his more sooner than mine.

i didn't tell him or write about it, cuz i thought he may be jealous
and he was doing the same on my behalf...
but alas we have talked about it and it's out in the open
and he is free to romp as i am

so in all that, yes i got laid a few weeks ago now
by a friend of mine who hopefully will turn into my much needed and desired sex buddy...

i knew that i hadn't completely forgotten what sex felt like
but there is just something about that moment when it's been a while
when you feel the pussy stretch open and the shaft slide in
it's amazing...
i feel my eyes roll back and i just let go in that moment...
i sure don't get enough of it

may 22, 1976

2005-05-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

at approximately 12:05am on the 22nd of may in the year 1976
a baby girl of 10 pounds and a full head of hair was born to a woman and her husband
and that girl was me...
29 now
not drunk, but reflecting my life these 29 years
and seeing 30 right around the corner
last year at this time i was in the hospital pregnant with my son
my 4th visit of 5 in total
i was in such a different place then
can't believe it's almost a year since he was born
and then soon after that, a year since he died
is life always this surreal?

supposed to do the whole birthday thing with friends tomorrow
and already got into the present my parents sent me
i'm bad at waiting...
and got a few cards

and now it's 12:20am and i'm eating rice and veggies, drinking water, listening to blue grass and celebrating
well
me

vanilla steamer anyone?

2005-05-20T12:40:00.000-05:00

...
i worked 2 extra hours wednesday night, which isn't a really big deal...but when it's 8:30am and you've been there since 10pm, it can prove to be a bit frustrating...
i pulled in my drive at about 9:15am, turned off the phone...set my alarm and crashed until 7:30pm where i then got up, took a shower, packed my lunch and headed to work...

at approximately 7:00am today, i decided to not go to sleep but wait until tonight since i am off now for a few days in a row so i decided to take myself out for a treat

i landed at barnes and nobles after a stop for breakfast with friends, and with my vanilla steamer in hand, i browsed the books and people that were gathered early on a friday morning.

as i browsed the biographies (biography freak here), i started thinking about work and how my thoughts scatter all evening as i open up purses, belts, flip flops, and put them all in their perfect place...
sometimes i think about odd things, like why do our manicans have nipples?
other times i think about "sg" and wondering how he's doing...
and then i think of the most absurd things, like i did last night

i have an online friend who i have known for about 6 years now who has a foot fetish along with both dominant and submissive fantasies. for years now we have swapped stories and fantasies trying to get a rise out of the other, but...in that, have never actually had phone sex.
he's really into anal play and has a very submissive streak. has been to a few play parties, and has even gone to a dungeon to be "played" with...and has one of THE biggest imaginations i know of.
he likes me to think up really weird fantasies and scenes of what i would do to him so he can get himself off to it later and though at first i was really reserved, last night for some reason, my thoughts came alive at about 2am with these 2 crazy ideas...
now granted, i thought of these AFTER i thought up the one of putting a crayon up his ass and making him draw with it on a piece of paper
(he loved this by the way)

so last night...or early this morning, i imagined one of those little battery operated fans up his ass, with the blades facing out and spinning around, blowing cool air on his ass

and then i imagined him in the dark with one of those battery candles up his ass and crawling around

i know i know, my job is getting to me

so i'll just sip my steamer